Scared witless of death

[Sellingsunsets]

Just that really. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and it's mostly around my health, getting sick and a massive fear of dying. I am diagnosed as having OCD, but it's more intrusive thoughts and compulsions It's taken over my life. I've had many therapies and medications over the years. None have helped. Sometimes it's a thought in the back of my mind. Other times it's overwhelming. I've just heard of someone I know (not very well) same age as me has passed away suddenly. (I'm early thirties) This has sent me into a complete spiral and I'm panicking, thinking this will be soon. I can't comprehend that one day I will die and not be here and what if that time is soon. It's a deep seated terror and dread. I feel like my soul leaves my body when I think about it. It's really affecting my life. I have a young son with special needs and I'm terrified to leave him behind without me. I can't function anymore. Even daily tasks, housework, shopping etc. Just even being alone in the house sends me spiralling cos I'm scared I'll drop dead at any moment. I don't sleep at night because I'm scared I won't wake up. I just needed somewhere to let this out.

So sorry to hear you are struggling with this awful debilitating condition. DS has the exact type of OCD but meds have worked well for him. Youve probably done this already but cant help asking, have you changed your meds/ can you go back to your GP and emphasis how you are struggling? If they can give you a different type, or maybe it's the dose that needs to be increased.

Assuming you are 35 (say) your actuarial chance of dying is 0.001324. That is a very, very, very low number.

Your remaining statistical lifespan is 46.53 years.

The above numbers probably won't help but figuring out the root of this fear will. When did you become aware of it and do you know what triggered it?

I don't recall when it started. It's always been in the back of my mind but more so lately. The thought that I won't exist one day makes my blood run cold. It's like I have sudden random realisations and my stomach drops, I can't describe it but it's utter dread and fear. Mt heart races, I feel sick. It's almost every day. It's really affecting my life.

Do you see it as different to the time before you were born?

The reality is the travelator of life only goes in one direction. So giving over so much mental energy to fearing death seems a waste, when your time would be better spent coming to terms with it. And perhaps making concrete preparations- engaging with the process, if you will.

Philip Larkin describes it, and yet he too managed the transition just fine.

I understand. My fear comes from my parents dying and being alone a fairly young age. I understand this but it doesn't make the black hole any better! I just think hopefully I'll be so off my face on meds I won't know. The rest of the time I try not to think of it.