can someone help me understand why my parents did this?

[aseattotenarife]

am a regular but have name-changed.

me and my sisters were sexually abused by my paternal grandfather when we were little (5-12yrs?). nothing major but the way my parents (didn't) deal with it has really affected us and my family. my parents carried on like nothing happened. they did stop us being alone with him but we continued to visit him and have him stay (in the room next door to mine). and they never mentioned it again til i told them i was depressed and thought about it a lot when i was 18. i am the 'drama queen' of the family... my grandmother (thankfully grandfather has now died - although never having been confronted ) has never been told.

anyway, have been through therapy which has helped a lot, and talked to my sister, ditto BUT i am still so angry and confused as to why the hell they didn't tell him to fuck right off. i am angry he died with no-one saying 'that was wrong'. and angry and hurt that my parents seemingly put the feelings of my dad's parents above us. As a parent now, I CANNOT understand how they - especially my mum - could have had him in the house. I am a very forgiving, understanding person but my kids would come first. Its not even that he was a nice person, he was a nasty bully who hit my grandmother - so really really don't get why they couldn't have said 'enough'.

anyway, for some reason (father's day??) this is going through my head. any comments welcome but really it's good to get it out. it's hard because on one hand, i want to ask my parents about it but on the other, i don't want to hurt them - and what would be the point?

So sorry for what you had to go through dont know why parents do this but know it is very common behaviour.

Were your parents to afraid to confront this bully?

You say he was a very nasty bully so this might be the reason your parents did not stand up to him. Perhaps he had some kind of hold over your parents (maybe financially or psychologically if he had bullied your dad since he was child?). Bullies often manage this and that is how they get away with their behaviour.

I think it is good you can talk to your sister. I'm not sure anything would be achieved by talking to your parents (?). I imagine they did their best (even if it does not appear that way), but decisions and circumstances were difficult and complicated.

I have no idea. It seems alien to our generation but I expect there was an element of embarrassment too.

I never told my mum baout my abuse until last year (30yrs later) and she said "you were never out of my sight. How could it have happened"

I suspect an element of guilt there and not wanting to accept it, rather than not believing.

Did you tell them straight away?

I am really sorry this happened to you. My mother's father abused me and I tried to tell her at the time. She basically told me to put up with it and not cause a scene. This hurt me more than what he did.

My parents also acted normal all the time despite lots of bad things happening right under their noses which they say they didn't notice (chose not to notice more like).

I believe my mum was also abused by her father and was frightened of him, too frightened to confront him. Both parents had a big problem with any emotional expression, it seemed to scare them so much that they appeared not to have any emotions and didn't tolerate other people expressing themselves either. They can't talk about anything personal. Something in their pasts must have been so hard that they can't handle their own emotions and the only way they can function and get through their lives is to have huge self control and repress everything and act normal whatever is happening. They are in denial.

It was easier for them to do nothing.

It is hard for them to accept that anything bad is happening/has happened in the family and they can't cope with the guilt so they react with denial.

Does any of this sound like it could be similar to your situation?

Knowing reasons does make it feel a bit better but even if there are reasons behind why they are like they are, what they did (or didn't do) is still very wrong and they failed you (in the words of my therapist). You have a right to be angry and the anger is healthy. It is an important stage to go through.

I feel a bit better since I wrote letters to family members (with the help of therapist) and said what I wanted to say about things that happened and how it has affected me.

I hope you will feel gradually better and that therapy works for you.

hi, mine knew about what happened to me, and believed me, but their attitude was that I should just get over it, stop being over dramatic and stop seeking attention. Guess they just didn't want to have that in their life. This was back in the 70s when image was everything, and having a messed up kid was a bit of an embarrasment. I think probably (hopefully!) people would be less likely to take that attitude now. It is very hard though. I have just had to take the approach that it was their choice to dismiss it like that, and we have less of a relationship for it. I'm glad you can talk to your sister though.

I am so sorry for what you've been through. The behaviour of your parents was appalling. I don't care if your grandfather was a bully or not, it is the responsability of a child's parents to protect and give moral support.

I have always been the kind of person that gets things out of my chest and talks rather than living problems and feelings bottled up inside. In my opinion the only way to get over this is to talk to your parents and tell them how you feel.

If my father have done something like this to a child of mine I would have had no problem cutting his manhood off to be honest.