Struggling again need to vent

[NotQuiteUsual]

Hope no one minds me venting. I just need to get this out my head. So despite being a model patient(always taking my meds, always turning up for appointments, engaging well, using techniques provided etc) my psychosis is rearing it's ugly head again. I still have a little awareness but it's getting less.

I feel like my eldest daughter is fake and not human. Now I know logically it's because she's the age I was when the abuse started getting out of hand. I know it's me reacting badly to that. But it's so fucking real to me. I can barely stand to let her touch me. I'm spending a lot of time in bed with the kids thinking I'm suffering from exhaustion. It's better than accidentally letting it slip how I feel about my daughter. I'm suspicious of the other two, but it's easier to go along with parenting them because they're younger than the age that triggers me.

Yes I'm getting professional support. No I don't want to harm anyone. Even non human life is precious. I just am so scared because I'm about to loose all awareness and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Hi @NotQuiteUsual.
I’m so sorry you’ve been battling this condition, you’ve been so impressive in the way you’ve managed it. It’s really positive that you recognise what’s going on at the moment and that your eldest DD with you and is safe.

Is there an adult with you who can help care for your precious DC whilst you’re unwell? Knowing that they are safe will help.

Please keep in touch with your professional support; is there a crisis team that you can contact now?

Please keep venting on here, tell us your progress & we’ll hold you in our thoughts ☺️

Thank you @CleanSkin my dh works from home so he picks up all the slack when I'm unwell. Which really helps, but I shouldn't be unable to be present it really sucks. It just makes me so angry that I can't be an effective partner or mother.

I'm going to contact my care coordinator tomorrow, I was hoping it would get better today but it's just worse. Crisis team won't be interested as I'm under the psychosis team they'll just direct me to them.

I hate how hard this is. I wish I could sleep till I'm stable. These children deserve a safe, stable home regardless of who they are and I can't provide that by myself. I have to depend on my husband for support.

Plus my PIP review is going through the system at the moment and it's going to be ha going over me for months and months and I don't trust them anyway. I'm so paranoid right now.

Oh may I give you a huge long-distance hug, @NotQuiteUsual?
Life is so unfair & tough sometimes. You are so blessed to have your DH, he sounds like an absolute hero. And your DC know, and will always know, that you love them so much & when you are well again will be the best Mum they could ever want. Please don’t waste your energy being angry, despite it being something that I think we’d all feel in that situation!
It’s really good that you have a plan, starting tomorrow. And I do feel
your pain with PIP having been through it myself; I wish you quick success with that.

Thank you @CleanSkin I'm feeling a lot better today. DH really is wonderful. I'm very lucky to have him.

Still thinking unusual thoughts but keeping myself distracted and getting lots of rest.

Hey that’s great news! You’re clearly getting on top of the unusual thoughts, you are amazing to be handling this. I’m so impressed xx

So pleased you continue to rest, too; it’s so important to recognise the fatigue that can go with being unwell.

Any communications with your care coordinator?
More long distance hugs 🤗

(Please make multiple copies of your DH so he can be shared with the many others who would benefit from him 🥰)

Hi, I've been through the same thing. I believed I was in a simulation and my family weren't real people. I'm lucky in that I'm on a very effective medication and can live a normal life as long as I stay on them. I was so scared during my last episode. Just letting you know you're not alone in this. It could be the case that you need to get on two separate medications

I’ve got a theory that childhood abuse is causing a lot of mental illness in adulthood & people would be ok if it hadn’t happened.

I hope your PIP goes through soon.

It seemed to be covid that did it to me. My first episode occurred in 2020, when I hadn't spoken to another adult in about 6 weeks, and was terrified of the virus

Covid definitely accelerated my decline. But I suffered a lot of childhood abuse. I suppose it was only a matter of time till it caught up with me. I'm doing trauma work at the minute which is triggering but important.

I'm in communication with my care coordinator. She's keeping an eye on me. We're having a nice takeaway today which is my treat for getting through the week improving.

Good news on the coordinator, @NotQuiteUsual
Enjoy your well deserved takeaway x

Me and dh took the kids to the city today. It was tough, but the kids really enjoyed it. We're making pizzas from scratch for tea. I'm absolutely wrecked mentally and physically from the trip out. But it was worth it. I didn't think about if they were fake once while we were out. I was so distracted and in the moment.

I'll probably do nothing tomorrow to help recover. But I hope I don't ruminate.

That’s brilliant news, @NotQuiteUsual!

( I’m so proud of you, which is weird considering we’ve never met 🤗)

Thanks so much @CleanSkin I'm really proud too. Taking it super slow today. Even listening to music is triggering me. But I'll be stronger tomorrow.

I don’t doubt that at all, @NotQuiteUsual

Super slow is super good!
😊

Hi @NotQuiteUsual How was your morning?
Hope you’re resting & maybe pottering a bit if you feel like it.