Don't know how to help my brother

[BG2015]

My brother is in his mid 50's. He's alienated himself from all of us (my parents, myself and my younger brother). None of us have seen him for nearly 3 years despite all of us ringing, emailing, sending letters and banging on his door. He's also ignored all of his friends.

We think this has spiralled because of debt, embarrassment and shame . He has always been the black sheep and looking back has probably always suffered with his mental health.

An old friend of his had recently made a breakthrough and has been meeting up with him for coffee. It's all very much on my brothers terms and up until this weekend the friend hasn't been inside his house. He missed his bus home on Saturday so stayed over. The friend has rung me tonight to say that the house is in a terrible state. Bags of rubbish, no clean cups, a box of unopened letters by the door. He said he got home on Sunday and put his clothes straight in the washer. He says someone needs to intervene and he's worried about him.

But none of us can make contact with him, he refuses to engage with any of us and I just don't know what to do. My parents are in their 80's and I just don't know whether to even tell them about this new development.

Is there nothing I can do 🤷‍♀️ I'm at a total,loss.

Three years is quite a long time - did you try a welfare check in that time? I'm just wondering how you knew if he was alive or not.

It sounds like he needs to see a mental health team. I think you could do an adult safeguarding referral as hoarding is a significant mental health problem. He may not consent to sharing information with you though.

The next door neighbour told us he had seen him. My parents have the neighbours phone number. That was one of the things we were worried about. Once we linked up with the neighbour that gave us at least some reassurance.

My mum also had one very rambling text off him too.

The fact that he's connecting with his friend is also significant. This is a breakthrough. He genuinely thinks no one cares about him which is totally not true.

He has always been the black sheep

Where did he get that title from?

No one really, it's just an expression. He's the person in our family who's not conformed and lived a different life to the norm.

Barricaded himself in his bedroom as a kid, refused to get out of bed, missed important hospital appointments, didn't take his final exam of his degree so gave up.

Also, immensely intelligent, funny and very kind. He's travelled all over the world, learnt different languages, very outspoken and loyal.

We all miss him and want to help him but he won't let us because he thinks we don't care. We do. We love him.

Well, he's managed to get to his mid 50's so unless he's a danger to himself or to others there's not a great deal you can do.

Could you write him a letter and give it to the friend to give him. I'd go along the lines of telling him how much you care about him and the lovely things you have said above rather than how concerned about him you are and the way he is living.

I think you have to be very wary of being in anyway pushy. Go very slowly and gently, don't look to be criticising how he is living. I expect what he needs to feel is acceptance and not someone coming in and trying to change him and the way he lives his life. If you can't do that then I think it might be better if you stay away tbh as he is probably fragile enough without being judged or criticised.

I wouldn't tell your parents the details, just that he is meeting up with friend and that that is a positive development.

Do you think he could be autistic? I could imagine DS living like this.

My parents already know about his friend and his connection with my brother as the friend spoke to my parents in the Autumn when he first made contact with my brother.

If I don't tell them about these new developments they will be very hurt. I have considered not saying anything as there's nothing any of us can do anyway but I think that would be wrong.

That's good news that he is meeting up with his friend!
Do you think the friend will be able to keep the contact with your brother?

I have someone like this in my family and know several other people who do too. I agree that you have to be very careful. Hopefully his friend will continue to make contact and be there for him. I agree with sending him a letter telling him you love and miss him. Ask if there is any chance you could meet him for a walk or a coffee.

There is nothing you can do.

unless your brother has care and support needs and is unable to protect himself as a result there is no legal framework for anyone to step in.

I’ve spent a very restless night thinking about my brother. His friend will continue to keep in touch (he too has mental health issues but is stable and living with his family so that’s good) but I do think he feels that the burden is too much for him now and after being in his house he has realised my brother isn’t coping at all.

Like many of you have said, there is little i can do if my brother won’t communicate with me.

My parents have sent letters but he has ignored them. He’s at risk of being evicted now as his business has failed and he’s obviously in debt. He owes money to people. I’m so worried that he will just get worse and do something stupid.

My parents would take him in and we could support him with his mental health and his financial situation but we can only do that if he allows us back into his life.

Thanks for your replies.

What were the rambling texts about? Do you know who his gp might be?

The texts were basically saying that no one understood him or cared about him.

I don't know who is GP is as he lives in a different part of the city to me now.

There have been no concerns at his address and his neighbours have not flagged up any concerns I've discovered today.

I also spoke to adult social care who basically can't help as many of you said, he's an adult and free to live his life how he wants. I've written him a letter and put it through his letter box, I put it in a distinctive envelope so that it didn't look like a bill or official letter. I also sent him the letter via Facebook messenger as that's the way he communicates according to his friend. My letter was very light and just asked him to consider meeting me for a coffee. His wheelie bins were both empty so I presume his rubbish is either in the yard or in his house.

I'm just going to keep chipping away every week or so with bits of info about my kids and light hearted trivial stuff.

You sound like a lovely sister. If he thinks that no one cares about him, then I think you might get through to him if you can keep trying to reach out to him and don’t let him push you away 💐💐

Hmm yes. This is so stressful for you. Would you coming having a look on the Mind website for suggestions? They also have support groups you can attend where you can share and hear from people in similar situations. How far do you live from him?

@Changefromsugartolard thank you

@fouroclockrocki did briefly look at Mind yesterday so I may dig a bit deeper. The Samaritans website was also pretty good too.

I live about 4 miles away from him. There's obviously a massive back story that has led to this. I just feel so much for my parents - they are devastated that he has just pushed them away.

You can self register as a carer with mind and them you should be able to have a meeting with them to talk things through. He may well have a long term mental health issue that has just become progressively worse with isolation and no help. Its very good that he has allowed a friend in though.

So strange developments this week.

My friends brother messaged me to say that DB was being much more communicative as he had some sort of project on the go.

Then, totally out of the blue DB messaged me on Facebook messenger, I had my iPad in my hand so responded straightaway but was then told not to talk, he then wrote a number of one line sentences telling me he'd not been in a good place, he thinks he's ok now, friend has helped, he's saved DB life, if I mean anything I will help his friend out, prove to him I'll help and then he might talk to me, final message was - don't call me.

All very ranty, strange and bizzare.

This afternoon he has then rung me! I answered, thinking we may be opening up some sort of communication but no, he demands I go to his house NOW, if you fucking care for me you will come over now. I tried to explain that I couldn't do that at this time but he didn't listen, repeated the demand then said I'll ring someone else then. He then put the phone down on me. He was so aggressive and angry, I wouldn't have felt comfortable going over at that point. I tried to explain to him that I'd been out for lunch with a friend and had wine so couldn't drive but the 57 second phone call was spent with him swearing down the phone.

He's now rung my sister in law who was in the hairdressers. She's gone over but whether he answers the door is another matter.

We are seriously worried about him.

Will she be safe with him?

I think so. Not heard if he's let her in yet.

His friend rang me and said he'd spoken to him and he said he was really sorry how he spoke to me which is something.

It’s good news that he is reaching out to you 💐

Can i recommend you go and see him and if you cant, there will be a crisis line you can contact via your local hospital service.

So I finally met up with my brother last night having not seen him for coming up to three years. I've spent a very restless night trying to process the time I was with him and the conversation.

It didn't go well. We met in a pub and I spent two hours with him. It was awkward at first but I let him talk and he quickly reminded me that he hadn't spoken to a single person for two and a half years. He said he'd fuc*ed up his life, no one cares about him, everyone is 'too busy' - he said that comment a lot. He hasn't got any friends - or his friends don't include him or message him, or cancel on him because they have family or work commitments etc etc. He cried multiple times. It was horrible. He blames everyone for abandoning him and not trying harder.

He said a lot of things that he believes to be true - but they just aren't.

How can people communicate with him when he TOTALLY withdraws from the world. It's as though it's a test somehow. He openly admitted he does not answer his door, doesn't open ANY post, hasn't got WhatsApp ( or didn't, I believe he has now) refused to open emails and deleted text app off his phone. My parents tried EVERYTHING. Handwritten letters and shouting through his letterbox.

So I asked him how people (mainly me and my parents) are supposed to communicate or see him if HE won't let us in. He made a choice.

I personally think he is punishing us because of a weekend in October 2023 when the whole family took my parents away to the Lake District to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. My younger brother booked a large house in Ambleside and we set up a watsapp group to arrange it all. We split the costs and constantly asked my brother whether he was definitely coming and to pay the money over. He didn't engage in any conversation really, never totally committed so we had no choice but to just carry on. We went without him.

I believe this is his extreme reaction to that. I also believe he knows it's gone on too long now and he needs help. He's now joined a local gp practice which he's only just done in the past week.

The meeting ended badly, he was a bit upset shrugged off me trying to comfort him so I went to the toilet, when I got back he'd walked off up the street (luckily no one had nicked my hand bag) I ran after him and he accused me of being 'an alien' to him because I'd gone to the toilet when he was crying. I ended up saying that I obviously couldn't do anything right and walked away.

Now I feel awful. He definitely needs antidepressants and counselling. I've since messaged him and in true M style he's ignored it.

I just don't know what to do.

Rightly or wrongly, he feels abandoned by the whole family so if you do want to help him then I think you just need to keep plugging away to prove him wrong. If you can convince him that you love him and care about him then he may be more willing to accept advice and support from you and from MH Services.

It depends on how much you are able to put up with from him to help him. It is positive that he has contacted his GP now.

It’s good that you’ve been able to meet up. And positive that he’s registered with a GP. What does HE want to happen? How does HE want to move things forward? He definitely sees that you’ve all let him down.

In all of this it really is up to him as to how things move forward. You can’t make him engage with you. He is his own person, even if he is clearly struggling and needs support, he can make his own decisions.

have you contacted him today after last night?