Please help re DH

[becomingdesperate]

I'm sorry, I know there are similar posts to my problem on this page and I've read through them hoping someone can help me.

I am desperate - this awful situation at home has been brewing for months and things have finally come to a head. DH was made redundant about 3 months ago after a very stressful 6 months at work. That period was bad enough but after redundancy he threw himself into looking for a new job (although was very stressed during this time) and picked up some short term work a few weeks ago.

Anyway, over this period I've watch him deteriorate - becoming really moody, withdrawn, unpredictable - we've had awful rows about all of this, the fact he drinks too much and has been hiding it from me, everything in fact. He had a depressive episode about 3 years ago and it was obvious to me this was happening again, although possibly worse as has been buidling for ages.

Anyway he went to the doctor last week, got ADs which really disagreed with him she's given him new ADs today. However, I've suspected over the last couple of weeks he's not doing the work he's taken on and has been fobbing people off (he's based at home) and I've just looked in his emails (I know I shouldn't but really desperate to know wht's happening) and disovered they've terminated this work as he hasn't delivered what he was meant to.

I'm in floods of tears, I know when I raise this he will go mad but I don't know what to do now. His personal confidence is shot to bits already, and he gets so much self worth though work but his reputation will be shot if this pattern continues. I'm desperate and really trying to protect our DD fromthis but she knows something is wrong.

Please advise me what to do - I can't see a way through this and no-one else knows. Our family live miles away and I'm struggling to be strong but am so isolated and holding down my own job is becoming a struggle too.

OK, I don't have all the answers but I can't bear your thread to go unanswered, sweetheart. First thing: your DH has been given ADs - they will take at least three weeks to cut in properly, so he should not expect instant responses. Secondly, your job is important to the family so focus on it: you WILL get through this time in your lives as long as you pull together. Thirdly, your DH has a crisis of confidence that will only get worse if you are confrontational. Equally if you show you can bring in money and he can't that will equate in his mind to you being able to copewithout him and that will make him worse. My advice (such as it is) is to talk to him, NOT AT him, in a way which makes him underdtand that you are part of the team and pulling with him. If he opens up and starts talking it may be possible to wait for the ADs to cut in and help him further. You could also visit the GP yourself and ask for him to be referred for counselling, although I know from bitter experience that it is a hard step for many men to take. I hope someone else comes along soon with more help, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

So sorry to hear about this. You mentioned that your dh drinks too much as well. You are probably aware that this will stop the ADs from working effectively; however it is not something that he will be keen to discuss I imagine given his current mental state and situation.

Ask your GP about referring him to your local mental health crisis team. It may be called something different in your area. Stress to the GP how bad things have become. If GP is reluctant either ask another GP in the practice or get the number yourself and phone them. They should be able to see him withing the next few days and give you (and him) further advice/support.

Also you may be able to seek support for yourself via a Counsellor or something like "carer support".

I am going to bed v soon so please don't think I am ignoring you if you post again. Will check in the a.m.

thank you so much for this - I will post again tomorrow but DH in next room at the moment so finding it a bit difficult

Your comments are helping me through tonight!

How are things today? This website may be helpful has good advice for carers/relatives too

Thanks - this website looks useful.

Doing this at work as am nervous about using the home PC when DH is in for obvious reasons.

Anyway, we talked last night and I asked about the email. He says he'd spoken to them yesterday and did so again this morning and is saying they've agreed to give it another go. Obviously I'm nervous about this as I don't know whether he'll be able to deliver however he does seem more focussed this morning and we did have quite a rational converstaion last night.

the problem with all of this is that so much trust has been lost and I never know whether to believe him or not.

He hasn't started the new ADs yet as he's really worried about how he'll react to them. Might take one tonight then if things aren't good he'll at least have the weekend to settle down.

SalVolatile - you've hit the nail on the head with so much about the nature of the converstaions we have. I know he feels exactly as you describe and I'm going to make a major effort to be more careful on this.

Thank you so much for your support. Everything is just so up and down at the moment and while things feel a bit better this morning, who knows, I could go home tonight and find they're totally crap again so it really is one step at a time.

Hi, I can understand you wanting to post at work rather than home.

Re the ADs, I also would feel anxious as hyour dh does regarding trying a different type. How soon did he react badly to the first lot? If he seems to react badly again, the GP might like to refer him for a 2nd opinion i.e. see a specialist (Psychiatrist) to review his medication and perhaps assess how things are.

Is your dh keen to explore other options for treatment (e.g. input from mental health services; counselling/talking therapies or whatever?)

It must be a real strain on you all. As you say it can be a very rocky up and down situation.