35M married to 37F. We have a 14 month old daughter and another one due anytime.
DW (dear wife) is a very high achieving career woman, who probably realised a bit late that she wanted children and turned to her childhood christianity, and we married under a lot of pressure as she tried to unite children with her career. She nagged to get married a lot and booked our wedding before we were engaged in an effort to get me to hurry up.
From day one married life has been very difficult- from my perspective because she's really over focused on controlling contamination that could harm a foetus/ baby. On our honeymoon she put fingers down her throat when she thought there may be wine in her cooked pasta to avoid the supposed risk of alcohol (not being pregnant at that stage.)
For the past two and a half years she has banned any friends who were renovating their homes (afraid of lead dust,) banned me from cooking, banned me from cleaning in the house, wouldn't go to any church (im a christian, my wife has lapsed in her faith the last couple of years;) because of renovations, loud noises, incense, friendly people who are dirty and contaminated. We couldn't stay anywhere else/ go on any type of holiday or go to restaurants in the last 2.5 years. We've thrown away a new washing machine, brand new pram, 3 vacuum cleaners, countless baby items including cots and clothes. We haven't been able to use a single gift that was given to us for our daughter- including ones ordered directly to our home from John Lewis.
Its hard to overstate how everything is inefficient in our lives- for 10 months this year she couldn't use our fridge and would have to go to the shop 2/3 times a day to pick up food- this has improved slightly, but over Christmas we had no decorations, no lights, no presents and no dinner because of her fears of contamination. We were delivered presents for Christmas from our neighbours, which were left on the doorstep for 10 days. Currently we have 100s of empty Waitrose bags in a big binbag outside our house and lining the car because DW can't use the bags twice, wasting 2-3 pounds every time she goes to the shop (often twice a day.) We are isolated, my parents are estranged, my best man from the wedding is completely banned (when I have seen him I've been severely punished including having my clothes thrown away and being kicked out of the house for days at a time.)
She's a deeply loving and protective mother- all her efforts (often to usually misguided) are about nurturing and protecting her. Our fourteen month old is doing really well for milestones etc and is generally gorgeous. I worry for the conflict she has been exposed to and for the lack of exposure to other babies/ adults/ family etc compared to most children her age. Also for the risks of developing allergies etc from being in a sterile environment.
Our relationship has had huge strain from the beginning, I resented being rushed into marriage and maybe wasn't ready- and I think this has hurt her. I have become quite angry at times and said and shouted very hurtful things- which she is very sensitive to. Im actually quite an attractive man who enjoys socialising and being involved with different interests, Ive waited till marriage (re sex) and have a lot of resentment for how she curtails everything that's important to me, friends, family, faith and because we have no sex life at all (prior to our marriage she had various sexual partners, went on holidays, went out, went to restaurants- and more recently went to church etc.)
People will ask- have we tried therapy, have I tried getting help for her, am I getting help for myself..
- We've tried couples therapy twice. The first time DW ended immediately when the therapist suggested she had anxiety problems. The second was difficult- but mid therapy my wife got fed up with cannabis where we lived in South East London and moved to a large town in the south of england- were we now live. (DW job will be based here when she eventially goes back to work. I have been doing a 2 hour each way commute for the past year and a half- costing about 800 pounds a month,) DW hasnt worked at all in the interim.
- DW has been referred (initially at my request but also of others) 4x to perinatal mental health- three times shes been discharged but now she is being follwed up, although not consenting to most of the help theuy offer. She doesnt tell them the extent of her worries and has no insight into how abnormal or unhealthy her anxities and control are.
- DW has been referred by her mother to a private psychiatrist in her country of origin- but again she just tells them how much a victim she is and how frustrated and angry her husband is.
- I have seen anger management, a psychologist and am being loosely followed up by a GP. All professionals Ive seen feel I am in good mental health but in a difficult situation. I am blessed with a supportive family and a few friends I can be honest with.
We are expecting my wife to deliver soon our second child. She has been extremely ridiculous and controlling in recent times even by normal standards, likely a reflection of her anxiety at this time. I am losing hope and finding myself wishing I could divorce her and start again. There was a brief partial improvement before the second pregnancy, but I begin to wonder how much of this is her background personality that she'd hidden while dating.
My questions are;
Has anyone experience of anything like this?
Is there hope for her to recover?
is there hope for our family to have a normal life one day?
What can I possibly do to improve this situation?