I don't think I can do it anymore. It's like a pit of pain that I carry round with me, most of the time I avoid it.
I feel like I'm massively messed up my life (am mid 40s). All I ever wanted was a job I felt good and successful at and to a degree respected, and some trusted friendships. I wanted a partner by my side but I seem to be so shit at that, I can never live up to expectations.
I just can't handle the rejection and the disappointing anymore so I don't want to put myself out there.
I feel like a failure, not against anyone else's standards, but against what I wanted for myself, which feels worse.
Sorry for the pity party but I feel so low and sad and empty.