Really fucking depressed

[Imamumgetmeoutofhere]

I was on citalopram 40mg for about 2 years which I was put on after a mental health crisis and breakdown at work which was about 15 years late from a massively traumatic time in my life, all the little things built and built until I couldn’t cope anymore and everything came out.

The citalopram really helped me and life felt free and fun again. I slowly weaned off it around a year ago but I can feel myself slipping back into how I was.

I’m not having suicidal ideations like last time, but also really don’t like the way my thoughts are going, for example on Monday I slipped on the ice on the way to work, I hit my hip and head and my first thought was along the lines of “if this head injury kills me it won’t matter, no one will miss me”.

then came to my senses, of course people would miss me. My dad, my kids, my husband. I don’t really have any friends. I lost the bulk of them when I had post natal depression after my youngest was born as I was “too much” for them to deal with.

Ive done an e-consult for an emergency appointment and meds. I also know about 111 for urgent metal health help, Samaritans, 999 etc. I’m confident I can keep myself safe tonight.

I just wanted to offload a bit to someone who may just understand a little of what I’m going through.

Hey op. I hear you and im offering a handhold. Can you ring your GP tomorrow and ask for a therapy referral? Have you had any prior?

Hi OP,

Im sorry to hear this. You would absolutely be missed!!

I think it sounds like you will definitely need some support (either another AD or therapy etc.) Sertraline makes a big difference for me.

Im so sorry about your friends, I received similar when my mental health was bad some years ago. Nothing worse than people who kick you whilst you are down. Please don't give up on all friends though as you can make new ones who are decent and caring even if it takes a while to find them

Hope you feel ok this evening
🌸 x

Thank you for the replies.

Im still absolutely miserable this morning. I’ve got to go to work this today and I’ve already cried at the thought of it and had an upset stomach (definitely not unwell, anxiety related been like it before work for weeks). I work in a GP surgery as a receptionist so I just know I’m going to be shouted at and sworn at and then also have to listen to others talk about very poor mental health or other really sad illness which really isn’t helping right now.

We do have “mental health first aiders” at my work so I might see if one is available today.

In terms of therapy, no, I’ve never had any. I’ve used the anti depressants and I’ve had CBT but that’s it. The waiting list in our area for NHS therapy was approx 18 months for face to face but I still haven’t heard anything almost 2.5 years later 😔

I accessed Therapy through a charity I think I'd to wait a couple of weeks first time I was doing something they ran .
Second time a few months wait.
It's good your recognising the signs that your depression is returning hopefully you get the help to stop it in its tracks.
Wish you all the best.👍

Hi OP, definitely try and speak to the mental health first aider at work. Thats what they are there for and will want to know. It might be that they could switch around duties or just try and make tiny changes.

might be worth following up if you've been waiting so long? I'm sure you know better than most but I think you do have to make nhs services make time for you. If you are quiet they tend to ignore you

I’ve got an appointment with the mental health first aider at work tomorrow.

Cant get an appointment with my own GP surgery (not where I work as not alllwed to be registered there) until 1st week of Feb.

Literally feel like screaming. I’m on the verge of tears all the time, housework has gone to shit, can’t even remember the last time I laughed. I’ve even stayed at home
this evening when the rest of my family have gone to the pub quiz. I used to LOVE the pub quiz, never missed it.

I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate who I am right now 😔