I am sick to death of worrying about death

[AliceH11]

Hi everyone,

I was looking for some advice as I am in a terrible place right now.

I will try and keep it short, I have a great boyfriend, lovely flat and a job that pays enough where I only have to work 18 hours a week, I am not happy in my job but at least I don’t do full time. I am exploring side hustles and I am even thinking about starting a YouTube channel talking about trending news topics. This aspect of my life is ok, it hasn’t always been good but it’s ok.

Now onto my problem, my mother and father where on drugs so they could not look after me so my grandparents took my and they have looked after me my entire life. I am 32 now and only just moved out 2 years ago. They are both 80 and my nan has suspected dementia (she will not go to gp) and my grandad has pulmonary fibrosis he is still mobile but his breathing is not good

They are quite independent but I help them with shopping and cleaning. My mother only goes to their house when she wants money and the other family don’t bother. My problem is OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS. I can’t stop thinking about something happening to them and I have had this problem for about 5 years. I have anticipatory grief and it consumes me. I worry to the point where I vomit and I cannot stop calling them to ask if they are ok and if they say they are ok I think they are lying. My grandad collapsed last year and was in hospital so I don’t know if that is playing on my mind but I OBSESS over it I am also an only child. I think I annoy my boyfriend with my constant worrying but he is very supportive

I was thinking of seeing my GP but how would they help, some advice needed it’s destroying my life thank you

Hi op

Wow, you clearly went through a lot as a young child and dont want to lose the 2 most important people to you. Understandably. Have you thought about counselling?

Hi OP, I'm sorry this sounds distressing for you.

It's definitely worth seeing a GP as low dose antidepressants can help with anxiety, or CBT talking therapy can help with obsessive thoughts.

You may also find some of the helplines helpful for talking things through - Asthma and Lung UK and Dementia UK have one. Best wishes.

Sorry to hear about that. My 13 year daughter has anxiety and some obsessive compulsive behaviours about intruders and safety. It’s worse at night / bedtime and while staying away over Christmas resulted in repeated phone calls from her in the early hours while sleeping in the next room to us. I must emphasis that at the moment we are tackling the behaviours ourselves but I have been in touch with the school / doctor. I think there is probably a decent amount of help available in relation to therapy - particularly if you can afford to see a therapist privately. My friend is a therapist and she has guided me a little plus I have tried to read some strategies online. Firstly I acknowledge her fears “ that must be really scary” but I don’t let her avoid the thing she’s frightened of. She has to learn to sit with the discomfort. I will check the window and under the bed for intruders once and then I won’t do it again. When the attacks first happened she wanted me to sit while she fell asleep and I would stay for 20 minutes then leave. I gradually reduced the time I would sit with her. Now i make her get showered and ready for bed on her own ( which she was afraid of ) and I come up after 10 minutes and potter around upstairs but not in her room. I’m explaining this just to show the level of support I’ve given ( not everything she’s wanted ) and the way I’ve reduced that. If she is displaying intrusive or obsessive thoughts I use a technique of interrupting and diverting ( not sure of the correct name) where she has to physically say “ Stop” and I will quiz her on maths problems or make her spell words backwards etc. This is supposed to get her out of that obsessive groove.. I find it does work if you persist. The brain doesn’t work well when fixating on a particular train of thought. I know when she’s anxious because she jiggles and fidgets and trembles so I add some triangular breathing into the mix. ( deep breath in, hold for three seconds then exhale for at least three seconds ). This is a lot isn’t it? Your BF and grand parents need to be onboard with this. I would say if I were your GP that you’re allowed to telephone once and then they’ll be refusing to answer the call and muting you after that. Your BF needs to divert your brain and help at that end of the process. If he’s unwilling or it’s unsucessful I’d seek out a therapist or see the GP. You have slightly more complicated set up because it sounds as if you had a neglectful upbringing with your parents and that may need a professional to unpick that for you. You can do this though I have faith in you.

Would it help to accept that they will die, as will all of us, at some point. This does not have to be an awful thought.

We are all born. We all die. That is life. Worrying about it will not change a thing. We all came into this world alone, naked and probably in pain but we have no memory of it. We will all leave this world the same way. So really, the hard part is done. We have all done it already.

Can you focus instead on day to day life. What helps, what doesn't. How you can make life better for yourself and for them?

@Helplessandheartbroke @ChinFluff46 @Divebar2021 Thank you so much for your reply’s 🩷 I have decided to call my Gp first thing tomorrow and see about maybe some meds, I have never tried them before but there is a first time for everything and I suppose I can’t lose anything

@WallaceinAnderland Thank you for your reply 🩷 To be honest I think you may be right.

It’s a horrible thought but I suppose it’s what we all go through and we all meet our end, maybe there will be an afterlife who knows

hi @AliceH11 i understand completely, my grandparents are the centre of my world and my lifeline and i worry about them so much, i actually have a dx of health anxiety by proxy and it sounds similar to your situation. venlafaxine has been a life saver for me, i can function better and can keep calm a lot better than i could previously, it has also stopped the obsessions and the lying awake at night imagining them on their deathbeds and the funerals. are you under any mental health nurses or drs or even keeping gp in the know? i found it difficult to tell the gp about the thoughts but got used to it quickly.… sending big hugs and lots of blessings to you and your beautiful grandparents🙏🏼

I think of the afterlife as being the same as the beforelife. Been there, done that, nothing to worry about.