Feeling like a failure.......again :(

[FluffyDuckling]

Hi there,

This is my first post - I didn't know where else to turn in the hope of some support. I sort of feel like my feelings don't matter to anyone that I talk to anymore.

I have a beautiful 4 month ds whom I adore. He seems to be a happy, healthy baby. It been a challenge to feed him effectively and my dh says that he resents me ever trying to breastfeed ds for the first 3 months before gradually switching to bottle due to my low milk supply because he thinks that has made ds 'even more of a fussy eater'. Ds's feeds nearly always take around 2 hours regardless of what bottle/teat I use. That leaves me with an hour between feeds to brush teeth/shower (if I'm lucky), or eat. The senior midwife thinks that it's more than likely due to ds not liking milk feeds of any sort and believes matters will improve once he starts solids - apparently that can happen.

Because ds feeds take so long, I have found it really hard to go out and about with him. We go out as a family at the weekend but I just can't seem to manage it by myself. Well, today I had the health visitor phone me to basically say that i'm obviously not coping because ds is already 4 months old and I should have started taking him out long ago. I started to get defensive on the phone as her colleague that normally visits says that she thought that I was coping well considering. I got off the phone it tears and have those nagging feelings of being a failure visiting me yet again.

My dh comes home from work and I thought that I could tell him how I was feeling but he just said that he agreed with them. That made me feel even worse and I told him so - that it would be nice to have some emotional support but all he could say was that he was hungry! It always seems like this when it comes to my feelings - my mother was the same, (only child of abusive, single parent household); how I felt has never mattered.

Am I being selfish? Should I not expect this? Is it expecting too much? Why do I feel like such a failure? Now I feel I have to change the way I am before I'm ready to just to please health visitors and dh. Is it such a crime to do things when I feel ready and able??

Sorry for the moan - I hope I haven't moaned too much.

Thanks for reading

Complete different circumstance, but yeh mine don't seem 2 matter 2 anyone either. All that matters is their feelings and I'm just here to give them the happy ending to the story that they want.

It does not matter to them or they just dont reaise that it is not true. There wil be no happy ending 4 me.

Poor you. How rubbish not to feel you're getting the support you want. Being a new Mum is hard enough without others throwing cold water over what you are doing. Especially if you are not getting out and meeting other new Mums, life can seem petty lonely.

Hope someone else is along with something good to say soon.

My only thought is that 2 hours IS a long time for any feed. Have you tried limiting it to about an hour, then not offering any more for about 2 hours + when DS seems hungry, so that he can build up an appetite for his next bottle? Maybe he is just comfort sucking for the second hour. How many oz are you trying to give him per feed?

Maybe also you DP is feeling pushed out cos you adore DS (of course!) and are spending so much tim with him?

And as they say so often on here, remember, everything is just a phase and this too will pass and you'll have a toddler roaring around!

tell your dh that the 'blaming' thing is working really well for you

Hi,

fiodyl, I sympathise - I also feel like there will be no happy ending.

beakysmum, thank you for your comments. I totally agree that it can be very lonely - heartbreakingly so.

I agree with the 2 hours being a long time. I have tried limiting DS's feeds to 1 hour but he gets so upset because he's still hungry. He's meant to have around 210ml for each feed at the age, (sorry, I don't know what that is in ounces!), but he only takes around 150-180ml. The senior midwife believes the reason it's like this is because DS has a weak suck and that he doesn't like milk feeds, and so she believes it will improve once he starts solids. I really hope so.

I've asked DH if he's feels pushed out before but he denies it. He's got such a good relationship with DS that I sometimes feel a bit pushed out. God, does that sound awful? I'm so looking forward to an improvement....please, please, please come soon........

Custardo, Hmmmmm, I could try that, but on the other hand....

Do you know if I had a baby who was taking so long to feed I would want a paed to look him over, not a senior midwife who with the best will in the world is not a baby expert. Could you ask your HV or GP for a referral? I can completely understand why you would find it difficult to leave the house in these circumstances.

I do agree that you need to say something to your DH because his comments are undermining and plain inaccurate. He has no right to keep saying it. When you say he has sucj a good relationship with your DS that you feel pushed out, how does that manifest itself?

Sorry you are feeling like this. You are not selfish at all and you certainly aren't a failure - you have a happy and healthy 4mth old and that is down to you.

I was just wondering if your DH ever feeds your DS - maybe you should go out for the day one day and let him get on with it - see if he manages to make it out during the day.

I can sympathise with you about not going out. I bf DS1 but he used to feed for an hour, have 30 minutes rest and then feed for another hour most of the day. Your HV is not being helpful - she shouldn't be adding to your pressure. Who says you have to go out? I am sure that your HV is worried that you are hiding at home brooding but if you are staying at home for practical reasons (your DS taking so long to feed) then she should let you get on with what you need to do.

Hi there,

Thanks so much for the replies.

TheProvincialLady, You know, I mentioned this to my DH about getting a paed to look at DS but he said that he thought that DS didn't need that, probably because he would feel like he had to take time off work to be at the appointment with us, I don't know.

Thank you for understanding, I do feel like the comment was undermining but no matter how many times I tried to tell him, he just kept saying, "Well, you asked for my opinion in the feeding so I'm telling you my opinion". Great, wish I hadn't asked now

I guess I feel pushed out because when DH get home, he can spend time being playful with DS but I feel that I'm having to concentrate so much on feeds that I wonder if DS doesn't find me as much fun as daddy is .

Niecie, Thank you for your comment too; I hope in time that I can believe in myself and not feel like a failure

DH does feed DS but he has never had to look after him for a whole day. You know, I'd like to go out for the day - retail therapy . The last time I went out it was for an afternoon and I missed the boys so much.

It's crazy isn't it? Long feeds and short naps, how are you meant to cope? I never thought of that - who said that I have to go out - it's not compulsory is it?

Thanks all - hope you are well

Oh bless you, at 4m your DS hasn't got the capacity yet to distinguish between 'fun' daddy and 'feeding' mummy. You are his mummy and the centre of his universe. But I agree with niecie that maybe you should get your DH to feed your DS in the evenings so that you can unwind from the stress of it and have the energy to play with your DS too.

It is a bit off for your DH to blame you as the cause of your DS slow feeding and not be prepared to take part in the solution, eg see a paed. If I were in your shoes I think I would organise it anyway, you could always say the HV did it. And regarding the comments, I suppose you can't alter the past but you can stop him from saying hurtful or unhelpful things in the future by telling him and asking him to stop. Then he can't say you asked for it, can he?

Small babies have only a very limited interest in fun, fluffyduckling and a huge interest in being fed and having cuddles with their mummy. It is good that he loves being with his daddy but when push comes to shove he will chose you, I'm sure.

How is DS when he goes out at the weekends with you both - is he more settled? I only ask because I used to find that my DS would feed non-stop at home but if he was moving about in the car seat and the pushchair he would sleep for a bit longer than normal. Woe betide you if you stopped moving, mind you - all hell would break loose but it did mean that I could walk to the shop and back.

I never went out in the morning unless I absolutely had to though - just couldn't get out of the door. However, the afternoons were a little better so that was when I made a dash for the door.

Your DH wouldn't expect to go to the GP with you, would he? Why don't you go to the GP just for a chat about the feeding or chat to the HV - see if she can do something constructive instead of making you feel bad. Unless DH is a doctor himself, how does he know if your DS needs a doctor or not? If you see a doctor and he does refer you DH can't argue with that surely.

I hope things get better for you soon. The first few months are hard, and nobody can tell you how hard because you either wouldn't believe them or you just wouldn't understand what they meant but honestly it will get better.

x posted with TPL - we are in agreement over this - fun is over-rated and mummys rule the world.

Don't let anybody dent your confidence with your baby, including DH. Do what you want and need to do for the good of your DS and for your own health and well being and if that includes asking DH to not speak unless it is useful or kind then so be it. Mother knows best you know!