Afraid of having a second child

[Conaty]

I’m due to have my second baby in 2 weeks and I’m really scared about it.

We have a toddler already who I love more than anything but I feel like he takes up well over 100% of my husband’s and my combined energy (we both work too) and I cannot imagine how a newborn is going to fit into this.

After my son was born I had postnatal depression and found recovering from birth (I had an unplanned c section) mentally and physically horrible. It took me about 6 months to start enjoying life again and I feel like I can’t afford to do that again when I have a toddler who needs me.

I already feel exhausted just from being pregnant so I’m very anxious about how much worse that’s going to be when I’m postpartum with a newborn as well. My husband really pulls his weight with parenting so I have no complaints there but it still feels insurmountable.

Some of you with multiple kids will be reading this thinking I’m making a fuss over nothing I’m sure. I guess I just don’t find early motherhood easy at all and I’m genuinely not sure I can do it again with the addition of a toddler.

Any words of wisdom for me?

I don't really have any wisdom OP but it's normal to be scared about a big life change. Your relationship with your toddler sounds lovely, so I'm sure you're going too be wonderful parents to the newborn, too. Have you got nice midwives or a GP you can speak to for a chat about how you're feeling? 💐

Well, your fears are rational: it is hard going from one to two kids. And you’re going in with your eyes open. You know it’s going to be hard and you can keep an eye on yourself for those PND symptoms and make sure you don’t ignore them.

How well does your toddler sleep ? I would be putting all my effort for next two weeks into focusing on getting the toddler to self-settle in the next two weeks so you can simply say “night night” or “nap time, see you when you wake up” and that’s one less problem!

second does your dh have a reasonable amount of paternity leave booked?

third even though it’s January try and get out and about every day as soon as you can. I had to take my littlest January baby on the school run (a 2.5 mile round trip walk) every day in all weathers - it was terribly hard work at first but baby was so snug in the pram and honestly that walk was wonderful for my MH.

fourth - if you can afford it and since you usually work, can toddler go to a nursery mornings for example? Having a few hours a day with just one kid does make life somewhat simpler

I had a hard time with my first (maternity ward failure now part of the national public investigation). I asked for and was given so much more help with our second pregnancy, which was twins. Just knowing that I had things like phone numbers to hand in case it started to feel dark made an enormous difference and strangely I didn't end up needing to draw on the support.

There is something very different about the dynamic of more than one together. IMHO they are enough to satisfy a basic need for companionship in each other. You get to concentrate on the practicalities, like feeding them instead of being solely responsible for their stimulation. Wishing you the best of luck with it.

I feel similar; due in 4 weeks.
DS has started at local primary school nursery which I'm hoping will help a lot (& much cheaper than private nursery, so he will stay there during maternity leave).
DH is taking some shared parental leave for the first couple of months alongside me - it means a shorter maternity leave for me but I think it's better I have the support at the start.
I've also restarted antidepressants recently as although I was trying to stay off them during pregnancy that unfortunately wasn't working for me.

Thank you for the advice everyone

Thank you and I have spoken to the midwife a little bit about it - they’ve regularly checked in on wellbeing as I had PND last time.

Thank you that is really comforting and I’ve heard others say that it really is easier second time. So sorry you had such a hard time with your first. Mine wasn’t especially bad on paper but just harder than I expected!

I’m the same - came off antidepressants when I found out I was pregnant so it’s no wonder we’re finding things hard! I have just reactivated my prescription so I can start taking them again once baby is here, which hopefully will help. My husband is taking a month pat leave and then we will do shared parental leave for the second half of the year when I go back to work, if all goes to plan. Last time I started to feel a lot more human round the 6 month mark but I’d like to enjoy more of the beginning this time if I can 🤞🏻 good luck for your second xx