Everything seems so hopeless

[myotheraccountsa]

Not really looking for advice, just a handhold as nobody to talk to.

I've had a very difficult year working insane hours with a lot of pressure. It's got a bit better now but I feel totally lost. I don't have any confidence in myself or my decisions anymore, I desperately want a new job but the economy is insane and it seems you need a whole personal brand online to get one these days which just isn't me, I'm a real introvert. My husband and I have grown apart...at best we're indifferent to each other, or tv buddies. At worst, disrespectful and snipey. We have very little shared interests other than the children who are rapidly growing up. I am dreading the kids growing and leaving, I see no reason or point to my life without them. Yes i have a couple of hobbies, one that does take a lot of time. Yes i have some friends who I meet now and again for coffee or dinners. No best best friend. Nobody I can just message and talk to about any old rubbish. My husband and I don't just "chat". Every day is the same, every day feels pointless. I plan holidays or trips - milestones to get to. Then they pass and its more groundhog day, more pointlessness. I'm not religious and cannot trick myself into believing something I don't. I feel like I'm getting older, there's only increasing bad things coming...more people I know will die, my health will get worse, we'll have to keep trying to make money even as we get older and older. The best years of my life are gone and I have nothing to show for it, I've literally made no mark on this world and nobody other than my children and maybe husband would really pause for more than a moment if I ceased to exist. The weight of carrying on and knowing that could be years and decades, keeps me awake at night and crushes my chest.

How old are you – I'm guessing 40's/50's? And how long have you been feeling this way?

If you are in crisis you must talk to your doctor or call the Samaritans (116 123) because if you think your children, your husband, your colleagues and everyone who knows you would not be shocked and devastated by your passing you are very, very wrong.

How old are your children? They don’t just up and leave they will have relationships with you as adults too. What do you do for enjoyment in your relationship?

I find peace and happiness in the insignificance of my life tbh I’m just here to have my own good times and yes bad times happen but snippets of laughs and enjoyments are the point of life x

Im in my 40s

All my DH likes doing is watching tv endlessly

I feel exactly the same and TBH once DS is grow up and moved out I will take matters into my own hands to end the pointlessness that is life. I am not doing another 30-40 years of this shit.

So leave your DH and leave your job (even if it's only temporary). Your children can stay with him and you can go and climb the Himalayas or sit in a tent by a beach or so something that fills you with joy. There's only a point to life if you decide there is.

Do you know the saying "Americans think life is serious but not hopeless. The British know that life is hopeless but not serious"?

I’ve just turned 60, I recently retired early from a stressful job, I am happily married and have 4 kids aged between 18-25. My eldest recently moved out to live with her fiancé. The three boys are still at home.

My life has changed radically over the past 2.5 years, but I relish the changes and try to think positively about stuff.

Not everybody will be rich and famous… the majority of us just live normal, productive and yes - mundane - lives! What exactly did you expect?
I’ve been in your type of headspace in the past, where mainly work stress kept me up at night overthinking things at 3-4 in the morning. There were times when my kids were younger that I was dog tired and just kept soldiering along regardless, trying hard to juggle all the balls that were in the air, without dropping any. My eldest son has HFA (non verbal) and that was (and is) another huge thing we have had to deal with.
What mainly got me through was the thought that there’s always someone, somewhere in a far, far worse situation than me. It made me grateful for my lot and made me count every small victory and appreciate every tiny blessing. Just try to look for the positive in any situation instead of the negatives. Life is life and sometimes it is a shit show. Another thing that still gives me solace is the fact that time moves on and the present will soon be in the past… nothing stays the same for ever. You’ll get through it. Sending you positive vibes!

I dont really have anything to."get through" now though...just no, or very little, point or joy. Nothing is "wrong" as such, only me.

And re what did I expect? I'm not sure. A career I felt fulfilled by - but it's too late now to change and keep my family on the level of income they're accustomed to. Friends who genuinely cared about me and wanted me to be interwoven in their lives, not just on the peripheral. A deeply emotionally connected marriage - my DH is a really good man, but we just don't talk and connect half the time. Not for want of trying over the years. Maybe a daughter, I would have loved a daughter. I adore my sons but get the sense they will be gone, only to be seen when they want christmas and birthday presents. Faith, I wish I believed in something or really cared about anything but I just don't. I feel overwhelmed and dead inside or sad, it fluctuates.