Utterly exhausted caring for disabled/Sen children in loveless marriage and fact see a way forward/out

[Bombinia]

Just that really. I've been awake since 3.30am mostly in tears over my empty life. I have two sen kids, one is also physically disabled, I had to give up work to look after them both, my youngest I have to home educate as he was struggling so much at school. DH works from home full time, he is not affectionate or caring, he is often quite stupid about things, just seems to lack common sense so makes extra work for me and he hardly talks to me, I don't feel loved at all so there's nothing to offset that.
I don't get a break from any of them, there's always someone else in the house with me, I get no time for myself.
I'm. Autistic and struggle to have friends, people don't dislike me they just don't seem to want to be close mates with me so I've no one to talk to about things.
I'm 50, no job, no pension, I feel I've no future, I can't see what the future will hold for my kids either, they are such hard work and need so much support.
I've been feeling suicidal while I've been awake, but who would look after the kids?
I nearly lost my mum recently, she's now disabled and my dad has cancer, he's not caring or loving at all and neither is my brother. My aunt barely talks to me, I don't know why she just icky has a relationship with my mum despite me trying to be in contact. Cousins are the same, just send a Christmas and birthday card and ignore any other context.
DHs family are also crap, never contact us, don't visit.
Mum's personality has changed since nearly dying, she seems to find me a burden and while we visited over Christmas she didn't chat to me like she usually would or ask me anything about myself.
I just feel so exhausted and empty. I don't want to live a life that's like this. It's desolate.

Typo in title: can't, not fact

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry that you feel like this. It sounds really difficult and your mum being so ill must have made everything much worse. You are shouldering way too high a burden and sound burned out. Can your DH step up in practical terms to give you a break? Would talking to your GP help initially?

Have you tried sitting your husband down and telling him that you need more from him? Or if that doesn't feel comfortable write him a letter or show him this post? You're supposed to be a partnership and if he's not doing his share then he needs to be told that.

I would speak to your GP about a counselling referral now as the wait can be long or there's a few places you can self refer with. Are you on any medication for depression/anxiety, you have a lot of stress in your life with the children which means anything additional to that is going to overflow off your plate. How old are the children? Do they self entertain when at home?

He's not very good with the kids because he's not emotionally intelligent and recently he's got quite aggressive in the way he talks to us all. The kids don't like him looking after them, they ask for me and specifically say it's because he gets angry/ignores them/doesn't listen to them.
When they were little I made him do loads with them but he's just crap at relationships I think, he managed to be ok for the first few years we were together, I think he put actual effort in then, but now he doesn't bother. Wherever I talk to him about it he just says "I need to try harder" in a sad voice but then does nothing different. I've pretty much given up talking to him about it now.

Have you had a carers assessment done by social services?

If not, that needs to be done straight away.

For your own sake, you need time away from everyone. The assessment should identify that need. You could then employ personal assistants for your children in order to give you a break.

It takes time, but you need to start now. Social services will have a duty social worker so you don’t need to wait. You need to speak to the Children with Disabilities Team.

I know that’s not a magic bullet but you have to take one step at a time.

I know how you feel.

The kids are 16 and 11 but need input. Oldest will go on her tablet but it's quite isolated anyway so I want to do things with her. Youngest is obsessed with gaming and will do that but it's not good for him so again I prefer to try and do things with him. And DH doesn't unless I tell him specifically to "do x with him this afternoon" so it's always on me to manage anyway (and supervise as DH often upsets youngest by being aggressive/arsy with him).

I worry they will just say that I should stop home educating and that I'm not capable. Especially as I'm autistic, disabled people often have their kids taken off them, I don't want to open myself up to anything like that.

Are there any carers meet-ups near to you? Sounds like you really need to be seen and understood 💐.

I don’t think social services would want to take your kids from you, they have no reason to (and also no money to).

Please don’t worry about SS.

As I said, I can understand how you feel. My husband is autistic, he home educated our disabled child.

SS are in no hurry to remove children - it takes months, a lot of paperwork and effort and ultimately there’s no where to put them!

What it does give you is flexibility to use Direct Payments to pay for your child/children’s care.

If you are not around, what do you think is going to happen to them?

You also need to register with your GP as a carer. It will make it easier getting appointments and they should have access to GP carers break grant. It’s only a small amount of money (one off), but it could pay for a weekend break for example.

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DC’s needs by the disabled children’s team. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. The LA cannot refuse assessments or support just because you EHE. The scope of support from children’s services for disabled families is often misunderstood. Please don’t be worried.

Also have a look at your local short breaks offer. Although what is available varies by area so there may not be anything suitable.

If you did want to stop EHE, you could request an EHCNA for DC2 (and DC1). on their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. An EHCP could provide more support if you decide not to EHE now or in the future. There are options you could pursue if school is inappropriate.

Does your physically disabled DC have all the aids, equipment, adaptations they/you need? Don’t underestimate the physical toll caring takes. Ensuring you have everything necessary will help you physically and mentally.

Some people find counselling &/or antidepressants help.

I agree with the previous posters. Please don't worry about your children being removed. Unless you or your husband severely neglect and/or abuse them, that will not happen. Much more likely, social services will support you and your children. You need time to yourself for your mental health.