I just got released from 6 weeks inpatient for severe postpartum depression and I still hate my baby

[Mumofjojo25]

I've received every type of therapy and medicine under the sun
I thought once I went home id have a connection with my daughter who is 4 months. But I just dont love her and I despise the mum lifestyle. Its so mind numbingly boring and not something id ever accustom to. I live in a country where adoption is rare so kids end up in foster system. What should I do?

Have you got a partner? Have you told them how you feel? Could you go back to work and your partner looks after the baby for a few months? I am sorry you feel this way but you need to work out how to prioritise your child’s safety and well-being whilst trying to regain your mental health as well and it sounds like this might be best done if you aren’t your child’s main carer, at least for now. Good luck

Who has the baby now?

Can you go back to work?

Is the parenting load equally spread between you and your partner? Do you get breaks/adult time/leisure time/social time? Could you use a nursery ?

Who lives with your baby? Does she live with somebody who does love her, or is it just you and her? Who is responsible for her day to day care? Do you worry that you might actively hurt her? Are her needs (food, cuddles, love, warmth, hygiene, talking) being met by somebody?

OP, are you still deemed medically unwell - I.e is this still temporary and you just need more care?

im not going to tell you that you’ll get well and suddenly realise you love motherhood. Some woman just don’t. But if you’re unwell, then there is every chance you’ll slowly start to feel more acclimatised to motherhood and that bond with your baby will grow and find its way with time… and this will just be a dark period in your life that was hard but you made it and you’ll love that little girl.

think really carefully about what you’d feel if you gave her up. If you really don’t want to be a parent, a baby is much more likely to get adopted and know no different compared to an older child who is taken later on, but if there’s a chance you think you’d spend life crushed and guilt ridden, rather than relieved and at peace with your decision..

sending you a lot of love. Do you have support at home? Does baby have an involved father?

Firstly, remember that the baby you have now will change. You get many iterations of your child through time. The potato baby, the mobile baby, the toddler, the preschooler etc. Mine are 6 and 8 and many of the challenges we had a year ago disappeared with time, to be replaced with new ones, this will no doubt in time go and be replaced with others!

And as children change, motherhood changes, sometimes for the easier, sometimes for the harder, it depends what stages you gel with and your life circumstances.

So how you feel now may be completely different from how you feel in 6 months or a year.

But how did you get through the time now? Honestly you just fake it to an extent, carry on, get support where you can, and let the tides of time pull you back up (with a bit of help if needs be).

What do you mean by 'the mum lifestyle' by the way? There are so many ways to mother, that there's not just one lifestyle. Yes, there are things in common, like babies cry, toddlers tantrum, and older kids never stop calling 'muuuuumy' for a long time, but places you go, the rules you have, the strategies you use, they are totally up to you. It might not feel it, but you have reasonable freedom to do what you want now, because your baby is not mobile, and basically only wants you no matter where you are. So you can take them to the cinema (baby showings), put them in a sling and go shopping, go away for a few days, do life your way, just with a baby. If you've got a partner, then you can share the parenting, and take breaks!

You can do this.

I would see how things go and be kind to yourself.

If you still hate it in six months you can plan to go back to work full time and get a nanny/extensive care. I don't think this is at all uncommon in some places. You can make sure your child is cared for and safe without needing to be that close (humans have done this forever).

I suspect you'll be feeling much better by then but knowing you have this option will hopefully make it feel less pressured.

Who do you have for support? Family? A good friend? A partner? A mental health professional? Hope you are OK.
Have you been prescribed antidepressants? I think they may help to pull you through. I know people don't like to take them but you would take medication for a broken leg, you wouldn't try and let it heal it's self. Pull all the support networks you have around you.
Post on here.
Having a baby is not all it's cracked up to be in films and in the media. Lots of it is a boring shit show at 3am. Sending you lots of love.

Don't expect yourself to magically connect with your baby. Your still unwell. Try and accept that this won't magically happen and that absolutely ok. OP I had really bad disconnection, absolutely did not want to be anywhere near baby, literally went through the motions, eventually it happened little bit by little bit and I got better and baby got less needy. I feel you, if you can just concentrate on things that help your mood, accept all the help you are given, this is absolutely temporary xx

So you were released even though you told the staff that you hated your baby?

Or you lied to them?

I assume someone is caring for the baby alongside you - and that as you have been released you have been deemed no risk to the child.

Other than this I think you need to keep tapping into all physical supports for your child whilst you give yourself more time to adapt to your new situation.

What @Babyboomtastic said.

I detested early motherhood. The monotony drove me nuts. Boring, hard, boring, smelly. In my darker times I’d have said (not out loud) I hated the baby.

But when the kids were a bit older (5+) I have really loved every minute as they are so fun and funny.

I had a lot of problems bonding with my eldest and the therapist reminded me people adopt kids at 5, 6 years old and ‘fall in love with’ them, as a force of will. That really resonated. So it’s never too late to form that bond.

With my youngest they proactively gave me support and taught me techniques to form a better bond which was great, found bonding way easier though still hated the monotony of the parenting job. One of the techniques was to spend 20 minutes at a time just staring at the baby, making eye contact and smiling. At first 20 minutes felt so long but later would fly by.

You don’t know where the OP lives. Certainly in the UK there is a huge undersupply of psychiatric services meaning people are regularly turfed out of care who still need help

The first bit is really boring. It does get better.

Do you work? Can you go back any time soon? Don’t have a supportive husband?

I was surprised how much I disliked those early weeks with my first. I was bored witless despite joking every group and activity I could find. I’d intended to quit work, but I was so unfulfilled, I rang my boss after 6 months and said ‘I’m coming back!’. I only did 2 days a week, but it saved my sanity.

Please take up whatever help is available to you.

I think a lot more people feel like this than they let on. That isn’t to diminish the seriousness of a severe mental health issue. But the same thing can co exist. I felt exactly like this when dd (now aged 22) was a baby. I really wasn’t at all prepared for how a baby would change my life, I resented the whole thing and had really severe pnd as a result - was put on the highest dose of antidepressants that they don’t even prescribe anymore. I avoided being admitted to hospital by lying basically. And I just muddled through. Things only really got better when I put dd in a nursery 5 days a week and went back to work. Then left her Dad when she was 6 weeks old because I realised he was very controlling and I just needed the space to be myself again. Thankfully as she got older and became her own person I found more joy in it all and we have a good relationship now. She doesn’t remember any of that very dark time.

Weirdly enough I had a second child ten years later and felt completely different. I can’t really explain it except maybe I was more prepared and could see it as that time would pass.

Not perinatal services. The skill-mix is variable, but many services will keep intensive support going for between one and two years postpartum.

Despite OP saying all therapies have been tried, I wonder if that is true. I often meet people who say this, but it usually means just counselling, CBT and DBT.

Good perinatal therapy comes in many forms, but if you've tried them all, I wonder about parent-infant psychotherapy or psychoanalysis.

Babies are boring as fuck. Looking after them is monotonous, exhausting and dull. I went back to work full time after 4 months both times as I hated being on maternity leave. Once we were past the baby stage I enjoyed it a lot more. Now they are both primary school age and brilliant fun. I never had babies to have babies. I had them so I would have children.

I feel you op. I also hated it at the start. Totally hated it. However I kinda grew into it or adjusted to it. It's still hard but I love it now. You do need to be honest with the mental health team though please reach out tomorrow

Go back to work. Put your baby in childcare. Leave the majority of the care to dad, grandparents if they are around. Keep
accepting help. You may find your feelings change as you get better but also as your baby grows up and develops more of a personality.
Where in the world are you based. If things don’t change is adoption to another country a possibility?

I spent 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit. I developed severe depression and psychosis. It started when my daughter was 3 weeks, I went into hospital at 10 months when it became treatment resistant and took until she was 2 to recover.

I am bipolar which complicated my treatment as they have to be careful with antidepressants as they can send me manic. I ended up on quetiapine, mirtazapine and lithium at the highest doses and lamotrigine which I don't think made much difference. I had compassion focussed therapy in a group setting for 10 weeks which didn't help me but the rest of the group found it beneficial and then I had 18 months of vig therapy which works on the bond between mum and baby and this was by far the things that help my mood the most.

What support do you have now you are out of the hospital? What treatments (medication and therapy) have you tried and when? For me the inclusion of lithium lift my mood from the absolute floor where I couldn't string a sentence together and just lay on the sofa or in bed staring at the wall. I was still very depressed and still acutely unwell but was now able to start engaging with the therapy I had started just before going into hospital that wasn't working before had as I had been too unwell to get the benefit from it

Can your little girl go into a nursery so she'll get care? Who looked after this little girl whilst you were in institution? You could self refer back if you think you might neglect or harm your little girl.

OP, are you ok?

Yes I am wondering that too.

I hated my baby. I also wanted to kill myself. However, I didn’t realise how ill I was, I thought that was me. I also had an abusive partner. I’m a different person now… I still have to be careful and take care of myself but I love my son.

Do you have help at home OP?