Mothers with Depression - who employed a nanny

[anon19283]

Wanting to seek some advice

I know to some employing a nanny is controversial, or a luxury, but to some it’s a need for when life has been difficult. So I’m just seeking advice from those that found they did employ a nanny for their LO, due to their mental health.

I employed a live in nanny for a half of this yr who was found through an agency. She was part time hrs as was studying on the side, it worked really well.
It’s just me and my LO, we don’t have a village and just one elderly relative, of course there’s friends etc but I worry so much my daughter needs more right now. And to have this person in her life made a world of difference. It’s an expense i put in front of other life luxuries like holidays or any luxuries for myself to make sure she didn’t get affected by how I was struggling with a lot of outside stress I’ve had going on.

She recently left us the live in nanny as was always scheduled, to teach abroad and I didn’t think it would hit me as hard as it did. And I thought I’d be on track personally by this time. But I’m not.

I’m wracked with nerves and guilt about how this may affect my LO. As I’m still not through this tricky period in my life. And feel I do need someone in my daughters life, and our life, a bit longer to get me mostly over this hurdle and it not affect my daughter.

LO is just under 2, I work from home. But into the night at times, I’m exhausted, battling depression. We’ve got a home move coming up to totally new area in coming months where we wont know anyone. It’s a fresh start for us. This is a happy fresh start for but I need to realise what I’m capable of alone during this time and mentally I am drowning. Physically also badly.

I don’t let LO know I’m down but she for sure can sense it I feel. I’ve just got so much on my plate right now.

Feel such a failure that I also seem to have felt this loss of not having this extra person who became like family to my LO. Being a live in nanny. That’s what it felt like. Not always coming back to an empty house. Not just me and LO when everyone else is with their own families. It really filled a gap having this person around for both my daughter and I.

Am worried my daughters going to regress from turning into such a happy outgoing child since we experienced having this live in nanny to just having me at home, she needs more than me.

I’ve tried ad hoc help from outside the home and they’ve been great. But I can’t shake off this utter gap of loneliness and worry I immensely feel that until I’m better in myself my daughter needs this.

Has anyone admitted defeat and embarrassingly employed a nanny because they just can’t cope alone. I’m just not enough, am drowning and this is such crucial time in their life. I don’t want her affected later on from how couldn’t cope right now.
But just so embarrassed to say it out loud.

Am thinking to re hire either independently or through an agency, again a live in nanny but until LO starts pre school and I’ve established ourself in our new area after our move we have next year. And built a support network and worked on myself. Which is taking longer than I expected. But like I said had shed load of external life stress that all came at me this yr and basically knocked me senseless to being able to cope. When you don’t have extended family and you’re needing that village it’s just so much harder.

Feel like such a bloody failure! But the daily guilt of seeing my daughter witness me struggle and I’m not able to do everything I should be able to do with her is sending me further down hill. I’ll pay through the nose if I have to just to make it better for her, and to feel like I’m not sinking :/

Has anyone else had to admit defeat and got someone on board for longer than they thought in form of this type of childcare help because of their mental health / lack of support?

What help are you getting for your mental health?

I can’t see why you shouldn’t employ help and you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You’ve got an enormous amount on your plate. Are you a single parent?

You’ve said your daughter is a happy outgoing child. That’s down to you! Well done!

I'm not really sure what you're asking - are you asking for permission to employ another live-in? Permission granted. Do it. If you can afford it, having another pair of hands is amazing. You don't need to struggle alone.

If you're worried about child struggling with nannies moving on, they do struggle but you just need to explain people who help us come and go, mummy is here forever. Norland train their nannies really well to explain this to kids.

If you're worried about society judgement - oh they can bore off. I'm not sure why it's supposedly a better / less capitalist thing to do to farm your kid out to a nursery where the staff there are mostly on minimum wage and zero hours contracts and no sick pay. Providing a team member with a home, accommodation and good salary (all disposable) is a great set-up.

I had PND quite badly for a few years and the fact my kids are so happy and well adjusted now is entirely to do with the nanny we had at the time who was bright and optimistic and fun during a crucial stage in their development where the light had literally gone out in my eyes.

This. Your last paragraph is exactly what I want for her (daughter) and what she needs beyond me right now. To see how she thrived with the lady we had with us the last 6 months and then I sense there’s some regresssion since not having any help like that now. It breaks my heart that I might be damaging her not being able to cope alone.

Your expression of how you stated, light went out of your eyes at time. This is how feel. I’m just not enough for her right now.

being such crucial stage of their development, I don’t want to affect that.. had an absent emotionally struggling mother who couldn’t cope during childhood and it sure as hell affected me in life. And now during such tricky time as a mother myself, it’s really come to the surface with what I believe is also PND. (Am on Sertraline for now).

Just don’t want to set my daughter up with a bad start.

Thanks for your input, think that’s all I needed, to know others had gone through a time like this they needed someone else beyond them and however I wish it wasn’t the case, I know what I need to do to. And need to forget any judgement. Or pride. And do what’s best for LO.

Single parent and no extended family on the scene apart from an elderly relative.

Tbh I put fact my daughters developed into such a happy outgoing toddler a fair amount down to the lady that joined us. So I know I need to go this again and sort a replacement person for us, so daughter doesn’t regress

why do you have such a hang up about getting a nanny?! it’s not a failing. sounds like internalised misogyny actually.

i had a string of au pairs growing up. my mother was a widow with no family/ village. they were absolutely necessary to keep our little family functioning. please do yourself a favour and allow yourself to pay for help when it suits you (even if not strictly necessary). your daughter won’t be better off being raised by a mother who is spread so thin she is at breaking point.

This is probably bonkers, but have you thought about other options such as a lodger who is also a single mum? That might help with the loneliness and you could support each other?

An au pair might be another idea. My mother in law had them for her children even though she didn’t work ! The kids loved the au pairs.

I haven’t read your entire post, I don’t need to. I wasn’t depressed but had significant physical damage after pregnancy and had a nanny for nearly 5 years before my little one started primary. We dropped down to part time through nursery so my kid could do half and half between nanny and nursery. You having mental health struggles is no less valid than me not being able to physically carry my child. Your child will not love you any less as your professional nanny will know how to keep those boundaries clear. Please please be kind to yourself and get the childcare help for as long as you need it and do not feel guilty about it. I don’t have any family support in this country, my husband has family here but they don’t help and my husband is a Head of function in his role the same as me. So I have no village! Our nanny has been a lifeline, please don’t deprive yourself because you are worried about what people think. Folks will judge no matter what so just do what you want. Plus where the hell are those folks when you’re sitting here struggling? Parenting is hard, parenting alone must be so much harder, please hang in there and remember to look after yourself too, give yourself the space to get better and don’t let self inflicted guilt weigh you down. I’m sending you a big virtual hug and hoping for the best for you.