Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Getting told off/scolded as an adult.

20 replies

Anxiousgirl9619 · 14/12/2025 13:13

Today I got told off by a member of staff at the gym I go to for not scanning my membership card when going in. The door to the gym was already open with other people doing the same but he called after me and asked me to come back and scan my code and was like "you still need to scan if the door is open".

I go here everyday and always scan in but there were people in front and behind with the door open so I went on in without scanning.

I have OCD and this really got to me as I felt like a child getting told off. I'm 30 and was always a really good child and never got into trouble. Is there a name for this sort of anxiety around getting told off by an adult when you're an adult?

I know it's minuscule in the grand scheme of things but would like to know if anyone else would feel a bit crap after this also?

OP posts:

Banaghergirl · 14/12/2025 17:23

I would feel crap too but the problem lies with the rude member of staff not you. Years ago my son's teacher singled me out for a telling off in front of all the other parents. She was actually incorrect and I had done the task she'd accused me of not doing but I was 35 and just sat there feeling really embarrassed. I'm 58 now and I'd put her straight if it happened today. It's because I've realised, through experience, that the problem lies with those people who are rude enough to tell others off. Please don't dwell on this and let this upset you. He should learn to show some respect to customers.

Autumn38 · 14/12/2025 17:27

I presume it was his tone that made it feel like a telling off, as the actual words he said just sound like he was giving you information - you still need to scan in.

When this happens to me, I tend to pretend I’ve not heard the tone, and treat it like they are just giving me the information ‘Ah ok, thank you for letting me know. That’s helpful’ with a confident smile. It throws them off and neutralises the dynamic.

if they really push it, a pause, a look directly in their eye and a slightly slowed down ‘okay, thank you for letting me know, I’ll bare it in mind for next time’ tends to work quite well.

Thingsthatgo · 14/12/2025 17:29

He didn’t tell you off, he just clarified the rule with you. It’s important that the gym know how many people are there.
It would not bother me in the slightest.
I work in a place that has a doorbell to let people in. A lot of customers rattle the door expecting it to be unlocked- so I point out the doorbell when I let them in, mostly to make their life easier the next time they want to come in. It surprises me how bristly people get at being told something very straightforward ~particularly men~ It is not a criticism.

TheThingOnTheIce · 14/12/2025 17:31

I’d be the same op

YouOKHun · 14/12/2025 18:29

When you say OCD @Anxiousgirl9619 do you mean obsessions/doubts about doing things correctly/following rules/behaving “just right”?

At the end of the day he’s just doing his job and stating a fact about how it works. Any assumption you make about what he thinks about you beyond that is entirely in your head. Anyone who heard the exchange probably didn’t even register it. In the situation you describe I might think to myself “all right, all right, yes I KNOW. I’m not trying to gain entry dishonestly!” but it wouldn’t stay in my mind to be mulled over. And even if the gym person thought I was the worst gym goer in the history of mankind what does it matter? What other people think of me is none of my business.

Sometimes other people’s responses feel unjust but we have to live with the uncertainty of not getting it right/annoying others/making innocent mistakes because that’s something we all do. I recently left my local supermarket without paying (by mistake!), got to the exit and got told off. I think they realised I was being dopey rather than dishonest. Perhaps the other shoppers thought I was trying it on? Can’t do a thing about what they thought of me (though I will be concentrating a bit harder at the self check out from now on).

TalulahJP · 14/12/2025 18:41

they have to know who is in there. if there was a fire it could help work out who is missing.

i agree that in the bigger scheme of things it’s not important.

hw told you the rule. you won’t do that again. you can move on and forget about it.

Mumsknot · 14/12/2025 18:51

It’s an interesting issue isn’t it - I went to Boots today to get some hydrocortisone cream for my eczema and the pharmacist had a right go at me really loudly. Like loud enough that everyone in the queue could clearly hear and with a tone and loudness that people shopping nearby stopped to see what was going on. He was barking ‘is it for your face’ ‘is it for you’ ‘you better make sure it is’ ‘you really should have a prescription’ ‘you’re lucky I’m going to give this to you’ and this went on and on but in a v condescending, loud and barking tone.

As I took the cream and walked off, a totally random man walked up to me and said ‘I bet you didn’t get out of bed to be told off like that’!

I think it’s a bit of social anxiety and being a rule follower (which I am) so maybe it’s that? I wasn’t upset, I was just bemused but I did feel much better that random strangers thought it was out of order too (and I bet others round you did too!)

Eyesopenwideawake · 15/12/2025 10:16

There was nothing wrong with the message and maybe if the staff member sounded peeved it was because it was the 857th time it had happened this week and/or it was a H&S issue. What help are you getting for the OCD?

CurlyKoalie · 15/12/2025 11:18

I would just let it go.
You were in the wrong not swiping your card and he was perhaps a bit abrupt in calling you back.
You could perhaps have said at the time " Ok, no need to shout.'- but you didn't, the moment has passed and there's nothing to be achieved by brooding about it.

Newstartplease24 · 15/12/2025 11:43

I’m sorry you felt like this OP.

I think society is getting worse for this sort of thing. More rules and more of a punitive approach to “enforcing” them, even if you didn’t exactly mean to bend the rules but it was too confusing

TheMimsy · 15/12/2025 11:59

@Newstartplease24 but this wasn’t him being petty etc. they literally need to know who’s in the gym for safety reasons. To ensure their aren’t too many folks in, to know who’s in in case of a fire etc.

sounds like he wasn’t telling her off but just called her back to ask her to swipe in. Yes I too would feel embarrassed but not like I’d been told off or shouted at etc.

helpfulperson · 15/12/2025 12:15

I think you need to reframe it. You weren't told off or scolded. The member of staff let you know that you need to swipe in individually. Thats all.

maowmaow · 15/12/2025 17:36

He didn’t tell you off. He told you the rules of the gym that you signed up for. They have to know exactly who is in there, in case of fire or emergency.

let it go OP

mrbojangle · 15/12/2025 18:52

I would have said ‘oh sorry’, scanned card and not thought any further about it!

cramptramp · 15/12/2025 18:54

I would know they were telling me for a reason and I wouldn’t think about it again, apart from always remembering to scan my card even if the door is open.

StudentDays · 15/12/2025 21:04

For me that would feed my inner narrative of 'I don't belong in the gym anyway'. 😂

You keep going to the gym anyway OP, you are bigger than getting riled over this.

WonderingWanda · 15/12/2025 21:10

It's all in the tone. Had he called out cheerily "I'm so sorry to bother you but would you mind swiping, we've been told by management to make sure everyone does" then you would've probably felt less scolded and more that you were helping him out. You surely know deep down that you didn't commit any major harm so its not a big deal.

thismummyslife · 15/12/2025 22:08

I know exactly how you feel because I get it too, I just feel really embarrassed and it’s just super cringe- I hate it and it always make me fume! But I am trying to see the funny side when that happens, and that does work! I also realise that when I see someone being told off by another grown up for something I actual think about the person doing the telling off rather than the person on the other end!

Gwenhwyfar · 20/12/2025 11:19

I can't take it either. I just feel like I'm too old for this now, even polite requests at work or from my bf annoy me. I'm not going to change now and will always make mistakes.

BillieWiper · 20/12/2025 11:22

Sone people find it hard to tell people not to do things or that they're doing it wrong without sounding like they're telling off or scolding, or even seeming angry or personally offended.

It's not your fault this person is like that. I'm sure his colleagues think his attitude is charming?! He's bound not to be very popular if he acts that way a lot.

Flip