Constant burnout as a mum

[ThisHeartyMember]

I know this is not normal even though it’s become “normalised” in a way. I have 2 kids (DS who is 7 and ASD level 1)
and (DD who is 3.5)

I am SEVERELY burnt out and overwhelmed as a mother and it’s on a constant basis. My kids yell(very VERY loud), fight, scream, make mess, do NOT listen to me, every single second of the day and I’ve had enough.
I feel like I’m in a constant state of “on edge” like I could snap at any moment. I do most of the parenting on my own as their dad works crazy hours so he isn’t home much to help.
I think I’m also dealing with undiagnosed adhd or asd or something because I am really struggling to deal with them. The kicker is even family and friends will say things like “I don’t know how you do it” or
constantly telling my kids they’re being “too loud” which they are.. But no matter what way I try and tell them to lower their voice or to relax a little they just don’t. It’s like they can’t. I worry how this is not only impacting my mental and physical health but their mental wellbeing by seeing their mother constantly in a state of severe stress and overstimulation. I just don’t know what kind of help I need and who to reach out to first? I feel like my family is hopeless at helping out cos they also agree my kids are “too much”
i’m just done, I feel completely drained and I have to yell to get my point across multiple times a day.
I worry a lot about how this is impacting my daily life and their childhood. I cried tonight about it :( it’s just too much for anyone to be able to handle.

Sounds insanely tough.

The only way I kept my head as a parent was to have rules that did the shouting for me IYSWIM - if screen time wasnt until 5 then that’s just how it was, not anything to do with me, just the rule.

We went outside a lot, or to soft play or swimming if it was weather like the moment. It was all less unbearable outside or moving around.

Something that helped me cut the shouting a bit (no miracles) was going over to the child and touching them on the arm etc before giving the instruction the first time.

Is there any kind of break coming up - even a day where each of you takes one child on their own?

We do have next week where their dad should be home more to help + a few days away before Christmas we go down the coast with his family. But I just still feel like on an almost daily basis I am purely just surviving instead of thriving. Even taking them out places is just not fun for me what so ever. I’m really struggling to even have fun with them as horrible as that sounds cos it just always ends with me needing to yell at them as they aren’t listening or being well behaved.

it’s such a tough time of year. Kids being knackered and unbearable and you knackered too and the weather is shit. They’re difficult ages as well.

I know lots of parents who have had really shouty patches with kids, it does improve again on the whole and the kids never seem to remember. I’m going to suggest seeing your GP because depression can certainly be part of the picture. Also maybe a family meeting when your Dh is back? The 7 year old could definitely help make some house rules - if they want less shouting, they should be able to come up with some improvements in their own behaviour.

And I’m sorry to ask - any grandparents? Even if they’re not great? Go and visit for a change of scene, or get them to take one of the children out for a bit?

Firstly your doing very well considering your set of circumstances. Don't give up ok. I have a son now 9 and he has intellectual disability along with epilepsy and autism, extremely limited capabilites. Obviously not comparable however I know the feeling.

I actually got in a very bad place and like you I didn't feel supported like the world was on my shoulders till I broke down to the point my wife saw how I was which then I had to tell her I had to put myself first more because my mental health was taking a battering and I have definitely expressed more how I feel because I always put her first and my health deteriorated as a result.

I would say your family have no idea what you are going through and to please keep going. The kids are not a reflection of you and don't be hard on yourself because you care and you are trying.

Make sure your 3 yr old is in full time childcare inc holidays - that will keep them separated

when the older one has holidays - holiday clubs etc

I understand how tough things are right now. It sounds overwhelming, and it’s okay to feel like this. Reaching out to a therapist or support groups for advice might help. It’s important to prioritise your mental health too. You’re doing your best, and seeking support is a strong step forward.