Yip me. It took me till middle age to realise something was wrong with me. I mean prior to that I made impulse decisions, had fits of rage over nothing, was terrible with money, binge eating disorder and always felt uptight, worried and anxious.
It was a while before I pieced together this behaviour was not normal.
Then you start you realise your childhood was very much not normal or good. I think all children think whatever they have is what everyone has.
For me it was 2 mentally ill parents - depressed dad who didn't want me, didn't love me and made it pretty obvious. BPD mother who swung between being Mary Poppins and wicked witch of the west and made her children the brunt of so much anger, shame, guilt, humiliation, mocking. Then there was the violence between my parents (mum was worse than dad), money problems.
I 'coped' by using alot of maladaptive coping mechanisms - being perfect so nobody would be angry, being pretty so nobody would reject me, keeping quiet even when I felt resentful then exploding, OCD.
Finally had a diagnosis from the NHS when it all came to a bit of a head. The MH nurse who I saw first said she thought complex trauma. The 3 clinical psychologists who I saw did not want to give me a 'label' so I don't know what the final answer is. I did ask if they thought I had BPD and they did not want to answer me. I think BPD and CPTSD can look very similar so hard to tell.
Anyway I've been on and off AD's all my life and currently on a max dose. I'm booked in for schema therapy next year on the NHS.
I literally still have moments of amazement when I see things that to me look like 'flying sheep' ie unbelievable. Dads who are affectionate and interested in their daughters. Mind Blowing. Dads who are calm and protective of their daughters. Wow.
Mums who are 'the same' each day and not completely unstable, making their children look after them and making sure they know their dad wanted them aborted/hates them. Ridiculing them in front of friends to get a laugh and mocking how they used to be distressed as a baby (you were such an ugly baby who use to frown alot). Fuck me, yes that's hilarious.
Yes it completely changed the path of my life.
Plenty of nice, kind, stable normal men who tried to love me and whilst I could certainly play along, I felt nothing.
Men who treated me with distain or indifference (only happened twice) I feel head over heels for them and turned myself inside out trying to make them love me.
I trust nobody.
They had hoped I could go into a group therapy on the NHS but they decided i was going to need individual.
Mostly now I am just sad and empty - like my entire life was stolen from me.
People who grow up with stable, kind, consistent parents have no idea how lucky they are.
I've spent my life being 'triggered' by things people said or did although I had no idea what was happening. The whole thing is just exhausting. It's like realising you look like a normal person on the outside but inside you are a frightened, distressed, young child with no confidence, no self esteem and no security.
The psychologist asked me if I remember being frightened when I was a child and I said no. This made me pause and then say 'oh well maybe I wasn't frightened (after all I probably just got used to it). Her theory was I didn't know anything except being frightened.
I hope the therapy helps me next year but it has come so late in my life that I just feel very, very sad.
There appears to be large chunks of childhood I don't really remember anything so kind of dreading what is going to be 'unearthed'
Hugs to all of you in similar boats