I’ve always had various mental health issues and have considered several things as possible explanations- borderline personality, bipolar (manic depression as it was known at the time), then more recently worked with a therapist who said I do fit into a C-PTSD or developmental trauma profile.
At work have just had some training on developmental trauma and it’s really been quite dysregulating. I’m ok, but I feel edgy and uncomfortable. Lots about how the child feels, how attachment looks, and it just described me perfectly. And of course the events and behaviours that create this situation. Apparently ‘good enough’ parenting is an appropriate response 50% of the time, so it looks like my parents didn’t manage that with me. They’ve no excuse, they were well educated and had decent parenting themselves, and my mother went on to become a very highly regarded early years education professional. My sister doesn’t have the problems I have had. Even though there were unavoidable circumstances as well which contributed, they did no reparation when I was an older child, and in fact my mother behaved in more harmful ways when I was a teenager.
I suppose what I want to say is that I’m so tired of this, of feeling wrong or not good enough and of the negative impact it’s had on my whole life- the bad relationships, the poor mental health, the unhappiness, the impact on my professional life. I’m angry with my parents who are both dead now, I’m heartbroken for little me who was so badly served by people who should have looked after and protected her, and I’m tired of feeling like this. You think you’ve done so much work you can stop now and rest, but you can’t. It always finds a way back to tip you off balance again.
Can anyone relate, or have any fabulous tips for me?