As I type this I’m literally terrified writing this down or saying this out loud but it’s something that’s always been on my mind but I’ve never ever spoken to anyone about, not even a therapist.
I really struggled with anxiety as a child, had a good relationship with mum and spent one or two weekends a month with my dad. My dad was very unreliable so I was always anxious going, he wouldn’t turn up or we’d do something he wanted to do but not me (boring stuff not the fun day he’d promised) so I’d always put down my lack of wanting to go down to that. I’ve never felt close to him and he’s always been overly cuddly which made me feel uncomfortable but not enough to say anything but just a niggling feeling of not wanting him near me.
As I’ve got older and have had children myself I have memories of a couple of incidents that don’t sit right with me. I have 3 girls myself and I suppose I see how my husband interacts with our girls and how he’s respectful of them and their space and it makes me think of how my dad was the opposite.
My dad would always want to hold my hand when we were in the car and put his hand on my leg, I’d say don’t but I’d feel like I’d offended him. I was about 10/12 years old.
When I stayed at his house once he had a bath and I either walked in on him or he left it unlocked and he was in the bath. I remember him covering himself with a flannel but I saw everything. I know I did as I can remember this quite graphically. Why wouldn’t you put something behind the door ? Why did I walk in ?
He was also always very vocal about pretty women, a sleaze basically. I’d say don’t stare at women like that dad and he’d just say don’t be ridiculous but sometimes when we were out he’d be chatting to women and I’d feel like a spare part. He’d be flirting in front of me and it was just a very strange situation for a child to be a part of.
I was introduced to sex at quite a young age, even when friends were still just talking about it I was having sex with boys at 13/14 - why was I so interested in sex at a young age ?
My dad came to stay with me and my daughter when they were really little and it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn’t comfortable leaving him with my youngest at home (she was sleeping) to do the school run. why did I feel like this ? It was like a lightbulb went off I can’t switch off. I still have an ok relationship with my dad.hes nearly 80 and I see him monthly for a coffee but nothing else. We aren’t close really.
Another weird thing his new wife sometimes makes sexual jokes, they make me feel uncomfortable. She’s nearly 70. Last Xmas we met for a Christmas drink with the kids and she made an innuendo to my husband, they also said to my eldest who’s 20 I bet it’s all sex and boys at your age. I could have vomited on the spot as that’s not ok but I didn’t say anything and laughed it off. My husband was not happy at all.
I’d like to hear other peoples thoughts. I want to make it clear I can not ever remember him touching me or doing anything that upset me or that you’d class as abuse but has my brain shut these things away ? I’ve had therapy before for anxiety, never discussed this and nothing has anything ever come up.
Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you