Support thread for adult children of parents with personality disorders

[hazelnutvanillalatte]

I wanted to see if anyone was interested in a support thread for adult children with EUPD/NPD/cluster B parents. My siblings and I have severe CPTSD from growing up with an EUPD/NPD mother and my siblings had an NPD/ASPD father. It can cause a lot of difficulties in everyday life and can be isolating dealing with it on your own

Slow to join the party but I have cptsd from narc/borderline mother.
I have spent my life repressing the pain I experienced and continue to experience and am struggling to mask and repress it now. I’m unsure why?
it’s absolutely floored me. I’m in therapy and I’m optimistic but the day to day is shitty and tbh I look back with longing at the days of bottling it up and denial!!
what stage are you at OP?

I’ve only just noticed this thread.

I don’t know if OP will be back at this stage but I would be interested in talking about this.

My mum has EUPD/ BPD. She was diagnosed when I was in my twenties but her behaviour has always been all over the place. Actually she’s calmed down massively in the last few years, particularly since she had a mild stroke.
After I had my one and only dc 7 years ago, I had a breakdown and I was extremely angry with my mother. I think I’ve more or less processed my feelings about it now if only that I’ve sort of accepted it all.
The thing that made me really angry was realising how much she forced me into being in the parent role instead of the other way round, and how much she manipulated me.
I went to therapy a few years ago and tried to talk about our relationship but it was too painful.
Maybe it would help to talk to others who have had similar experiences, if anyone wants to?

Hi there
Im sorry you’ve been through all this with your mother. I’m worried, as a mum to a 24year old son, that my insecurities are pushing him away. He’s so chilled and self-contained. I , on the other hand, am terribly insecurely attached, and struggling with anxiety. I keep asking him for reassurance etc. I want therapy as do t want him to feel responsible for me.

Hi,

Do you have EUPD/ BPD/ mh problems?

Hi. I’ve not been formally diagnosed, but I do suffer from anxiety and depression. I actually believe it could be EUPD as it’s been going on for years and consumes me.
I try to let him
enjoy his life, but because of my attachment issues, I see myself being rejected by him when he’s just living his life. But not consciously including me. He’s polite and kind and I love him.
i need to learn how to love him without “needing “ him.

@Lizzbear
What makes you suspect BPD if you don’t mind me asking?

@Lizzbear surely you need to start your own thread... without stating the obvious, sharing your challenges as a parent when the space is for the adult child to share their challenges is, well, sort of the point.

I would fit in here. Sorry to everyone who can relate. X

Hi @tinybeautiful

Sorry to hear that you can also relate.

What challenges would you say that you face or have faced that continue to affect you in your current life?

I have one dc(7yo). I find that having a child has brought back a lot of trauma from growing up with my parents.
My mum has EUPD and my dad is a recovering alcoholic.
I feel like I’m sort of re-learning my outlook on the world through my DD’s eyes, that and developing a good bond and relationship with her has actually been very healing.
But, when I first had her, I went through an awful time facing all of the repressed emotions I had since childhood.
I was extremely sad at first, at times I thought my heart would burst it was so painful.
Then I had so much anger at my parents.
It lasted about five years and then it started to fade and I have begun to accept things now.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a kid. I don’t think it will ever go away at this point but it is better atm than it was.

I suspect that I am such a child.

There was tonnes of bullying and abuse in my family growing up from older siblings towards younger ones, it was extreme and much of it sexual the extent of which I didn’t realise until much older even though I had been affected too, the narc parents who really were the conduit for the abusive dynamics being enabled and have done everything to scapegoat the victim and sweep away responsibility from the main abuser. So narc parents and narc siblings unfortunately, I suspect. One of the worst affected siblings for the abuse is an extreme enabler in the family which apparently is not uncommon in abuse situations.

It is so isolating. I would say 90% of the time I’m doing really well and have pretty recovered and I am very proud of the great life I have but coming from such an extreme level of dysfunctional family, that masks the dysfunction so unbelievably well in some circuits which is a massive gaslighting head fuck, has affected me in some way everyday of my life. Obviously I’m fully NC.

Yes absolutely this. It was much more manageable before I had my own kids, and it's got even worse now they are at ages when I can remember abuse because the unfairness of it is just way too sharp now. Also her being a grandparent is tricky because she is able to present as a perfect one (in very short doses) because it fits her agenda. So everyone is always 'oh your mum is so great, your kids are so lucky...' and that really stings. Plus her complete disregard for me in my early motherhood years has just been such a disappointment. I didn't expect anything different really but clearly deep down somewhere my heart had a tiny spark of hope that has now been extinguished.

That’s so sad to read.
I can totally relate unfortunately.
It is tricky with my own mother because I know deep down she loves me and my sisters a lot, and her granddaughter, but she can’t stop being manipulative and it makes me not trust her.
One thing I’ve noticed her doing is, when she buys presents for my dd, they are most often things she got me that were my favourite things as a kid (like a musical jewellery box, a porcelain doll for example). It’s no coincidence. They aren’t even age appropriate for dd. And because I can’t trust her, my brain goes into a spin: Is she trying to force me to remember happy times/ nice things she did? Is she trying to make me jealous that she’s replaced me with dd as her “favourite”?/ Is she trying to relive the parts of my childhood that meant something to her through my dd? And so on and so on. Maybe I am overthinking it but I can’t help it because she has manipulated me so much in the past.
I have very strict boundaries in place with my mum now and she knows why. I don’t fully trust her with dd. I don’t trust her not to manipulate her emotionally plus she has been very erratic and unpredictable in the past so I don’t trust that either.
I do want some sort of relationship with her. She’s really calmed down a lot since menopause then having a mild stroke but I will always have my guard up with her.
Do you have much contact with your mum?
Is there any particular ways you find helpful for keeping boundaries in place with her?

Hi,

So sorry to hear about your experiences. That sounds very extreme.

How do you feel about being fully NC?
I was actually glad of the Covid restrictions in a way because it gave me distance from my family that I badly needed without me having to explain why. After it all ended it was a chance to reestablish a new kind of relationship with them. I see them a lot less frequently and don’t engage in any drama. If it starts, I’m gone. Thankfully that has worked out ok for me.
It must be really difficult maintaining no contact. I think people who do this must be very strong.

I found going NC extremely tough initially but over time I came to see it as a blessing in disguise. I was able to recover and move forward in my life. I was the same with covid it really gave me a chance to process the NC even though we were a couple of years inti NC by that stage. I feel very protective of my self and my family and there is nothing on my side now that would see me change.

They choose to scapegoat me rather than deal with their respective dysfunction. Because of their narcissistic traits there is nothing there for me.

I’m sorry to hear of other people suffering but it sounds so similar to my situation. My mother has bpd and npd. I had an awful childhood and assumed it was because I was a horrible person. Having had children I’m disgusted at the idea someone made a child (let alone their own child) feel so awful for existing. I blocked a lot out and excused the rest, usually blaming myself. Then I had therapy which has changed my life tbh. It’s not fixed me or solved anything but I feel a lot more comfortable stepping back from my mother and I’m hoping that I can be a cycle breaker.
its just so exhausting doing all this therapy and managing them shit when I want my energy and brain for my children!! I resent that too!

@Onekidnoclue I'm so sorry you're going through it too. I have given up on my actual mother, given up on the idea of her changing or of ever getting an apology or closure - finally not just logically but emotionally.

But it doesn't heal the mother wound, and heal the need for that in my life. I feel that I don't have that one person to love and take care of you and spend time with you and help when you need it, and make you feel worthy and loved and resilient.

It is hard to trust people and let them in, and at the same time it's hard because my radar for good/bad people or situations is broken - sometimes I have too much trust, other times not enough. I don't relate to healthy people/situations so even if I want to, or I know it's what I should do or be, it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar no matter how much I try.

In my earlier life I worked and worked and worked to avoid trauma and to outrun it, to achieve a 'good life,' and then a further trauma really broke me down and I basically had nothing left to run with - my coping mechanism failed, my last hope and trust were destroyed, and I had nowhere to turn. I then had people tell me I just had to 'work harder' or 'want to overcome it' and couldn't even begin to explain.

@Thisseasonsdiamante It's really good to hear that you are able to live well a majority of the time. It is so healing to be able to share with others that relate to the other part of your experience as well. It is such a huge part of our development and the way we grew up seeing and understanding the world. I really can't imagine what life would be like with that base of love, encouragement, support, and everything a person needs - and we can gain comfort from others who know what it's like.