Nearly a year in and still feeling bonkers. Am I normal?

[lindso]

DS nearly a year. For the first few months of his life I was overwhelmed and always anxious. At my worse times, I thought dh would leave me because it was all too much - I didn't know if he'd leave me with the baby or take him with him, and I didn't know which option frightened me more. This was all in my head cos dh is fantastic, the baby is amazing and beautiful and I'm now back at work four days a week, feeling more normal and all is seemingly ok. But... I think I freak out on the attachment thing - suddenly I've got a husband and a son and I don't exist in my own life anymore (when I have always really lived in my own head, spent lots of time alone, been happier that way, prone to being bloody miserable really!)

I struggle with this, struggle with the ambivalence. I probably sound up my own arse and selfish when I have so much, but (this is very hard to say) sometimes I look at the baby and feel nothing, but when I'm away from him I yearn to hold him.

I just wanted to know if anyone else recognises any of these feelings. tia.

Yup. I am DH's wife and DC's mother and I seem to have been erased. However, I love them all so much it is worth it. And going back to work will help you regain your identity. The first years are hard because babies are sooo demanding but as children grow and become more independent you get more "me" time - and spend it wishing your DC were around to spend it with!

Hello, It took me at least a year to feel vaguely normal again after my son was born. You must be feeling at least that to be able to function at work. But it did take me a few more years to come to terms emotionally with being a mum and having children and trying to define (or not) a life seperate from them and accept what my life has changed to. Now I'm a mother of three and to be honest have stepped backwards a bit but hoping that I'll get there again soon.
People tell me I think too deeply about it and perhaps I do. ~Who knows. Acceptance is a great thing though. I'll be at peace when I get there, but also I'm not sure I'll be me. See that sums it all up. Complete contradiction.

You don't need to be depressed to have Post Natal Depression, there are many forms. Do you have a good HV or GP you can speak to.

I felt like this and I also had terrible anger.

I finally gave in and went to see my doctor who organised councelling. I wish I had done it months before, the loss of ones self can have such a huge effect on your ability to cope day to day.