Not coping and don't know what to do

[soeffingtired]

Title sums it up really.

Been living with severe anxiety and OCD for 6 years now.

Pandemic took everything to a whole new level and I've never recovered.

I've tried therapy, medication, etc

I'm a shit wife, a shit mum, shit friend (not that I have many left)

I don't want to be like this.

I'm exhausted.

I don't even know why I'm posting this.

It feels like no matter how hard I try, nothing gets better. Life is always so stressful. I feel like I've missed out on 6 years of my DD's life. She doesn't remember "me before".

I want my old life back.

I’m sorry you are struggling 😔 Did something happen 6 years ago to trigger this?

How old are you? Is this hormonal or situational?

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. It’s really hard when you’re in a place you don’t want to be in, and you feel like there’s no way out. There will be though, it could be that you haven’t tried the right meds or the right therapy. I know that access to mental health treatment is not great on the NHS. Are you able to advocate for yourself to push for help, or have someone able to do it for you?

How are you right now? Are you able to book in to see a GP for a routine appointment or are you in need of support a bit sooner?

ETA, I appreciate you might be so exhausted that trying to get more help seems like a huge task, but you deserve treatment and you deserve to have the support to feel better.

@Mayflower282 I've always had anxiety but developed postnatal OCD, which gradually worsened and then exploded during the pandemic. A few other triggers but probably quite specific and want to stay anonymous.

@LostittoBostik I'm 38. I wish I knew. I guess it started off as situational but over the years it's out of control and completely disproportionate. I'm scared of everything. It's pathetic. I've wondered about it being hormonal, perimenopause etc but every GP I've tried to bring it up with has dismissed me.

@FlyingUnicornWings thank you. I keep trying to tell myself it's temporary, not forever etc but I can't see a way out of it. I've missed what should have been some of the best years of my life. I've tried to get help so many times and GP now just tells me I will need to go private. We can't afford that as this has impacted my ability to work. I've taken DH with me to advocate for me but that didn't help. SSRIs didn't help and I had loads of awful side effects. Beta blockers help a bit with panic attacks but not day-to-day functioning. I agree with everything you've said I just don't know how to access any more support when GP says there isn't anything available. It's hard to keep going back when you're dismissed. I don't think I'm suicidal or anything like that, I don't want to be dead, I'm just desperate for some degree of normality so I can enjoy time with my DC again. I loved being a Mum so much. This all started because I was terrified of anything bad happening to DC and now I feel I am the one who is harming them by being like this and essentially giving them a shit childhood. I will never forgive myself for that.

Firstly, be kind to yourself. You have had a tough few years and life isn’t perfect. You are with your kids and you obviously love them so that’s enough. It sounds like you’re having a shit time and then feeling worse because you believe you should be different. Accept you are where you are FOR NOW but that things can, and do, change. Look for the positives, but bet there’s loads of good stuff you do with and for your family.

Good luck.

@soeffingtired i completely understand. The fact that this is impacting your ability to work suggests to me that your GP is a bit of a tool. Did they give justification for saying you’ll have to “go private?” There is often a void in the people who are too sick for talking therapies but not sick enough for the community mental health teams to take on. I don’t know what your local MH trust is like, but again if it’s impacting your ability to work I’d think that your GP should at least try getting you taken on by the community mental health team.

I’ve attached the Nice guidelines for both OCD and anxiety, it’ll give you an insight into how both conditions should be assessed and treated. Your GP should follow these guidelines.

Two phrases that might help your GP to sit up and listen.

“This is impacting my daily life and ability to function”

”I’d like it documented that I have asked for help and you have advised me to go private”

Also, charities like Mind do have independent mental health advocates who could help you gain access to the services you need.

I know this is all a lot for you right now, and you shouldn’t be having to fight to get the treatment you deserve. I’m sorry that you’ve lost years of your life to your illness, it’s not fair, but you’ve don’t nothing wrong and it’s not your fault. And you can get better.

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg31/chapter/Recommendations#principles-of-care-for-all-people-with-ocd-or-bdd-and-their-families-or-carers

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg113

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Aside from my DH, I feel like everyone in my life has given up on me and felt a bit stupid reaching out to strangers on here, so appreciate you taking the time to write this.

I'm familiar with the NICE guidelines and know a bit about the various treatments, and have had some success with trying ERP in a self-help capacity but always the same pattern. I do well for a bit and then it all implodes again and I'm back to square one.

I do think I fall into that void. IAPT has been awful for me, and I ended up much worse after trying their service. But I don't think I meet the criteria for a community mental health team either, the criteria for accessing them here seems to be if you're a risk to yourself or others around you, which I'm not.

What I need, and have asked for, is an experienced clinical psychologist. GPs response has always been that the waiting list for those services is so long that it's pointless putting me on the list, and they might decide I don't meet the criteria anyway because I keep "quitting" the talking therapies and it's a stepped model of care.

It's a good idea to try again though and ask it to be put in writing that my request has been declined. I recently got access to my medical records and was shocked how badly our previous conversations about this have been documented.

Sorry, I hope my reply wasn’t patronising as it sounds like you’re well versed in the services available to you etc.

IMO the stepped care model is ridiculous. You go to them with symptoms of a mental health illness and they tell you “but first you must try cbt!” when like you say, you need a clinical psychologist.

I’d ask your GP to at least try and refer you to the community team. They might say no, but at least you’ve tried, but I do agree that in most trusts the bar is very high to get accepted. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I really hope you get somewhere!

I didn't find it patronising at all ❤️

The first IAPT therapist I had couldn't get past telling me to go for a walk! At that point I'd been housebound for a few months and leaving the house felt insurmountable. And actually, looking back on that makes me realise I've come a long way on my own since then...

Hi OP
Really sorry to read you're struggling.
Depending on where you are, your local VCSE network might be a good source of support. Try contacting your local Creative Health practitioner who will be able to point youbin the direction of specialist groups for support and community.

Hope you don't mind, I'm going to turn all this on it's head for a minute. What if your reactions to everything are normal in view of the way the world is and in view of all that you are dealing with.

I know that can be argued either way, but if you were to consider that theory for a minute. Then for one thing, you don't 'need' a psychologist, but it would be really helpful to have one, but the problem is (not you) circumstances mean you can't see one.

If you look at other difficulties this way, what if the biggest problem is one of overload and therefore difficulty dealing with any one area effectively.

And then the problem being that you are judging yourself on top of it all.

If we go back to your concern about not having quality interactions with your child, what if you take that pressure off (because you cannot change the past and you cannot make everything perfect) and focus on creating one small moment of joy with them?

What if it's about trying for a lot less, but making each tiny thing something of quality for you all?

What if there's a lot wrong with the world atm and your best approach is to not add to it by judging yourself but by doing one small thing where you can for now?

None of this is intended to minimise what you've been describing, it's just meant to kindly say that I think you are enough, evolution brought you here (or whatever you believe) and we are not designed to be totally and perfectly adapted to everything.

I understand what you’re saying but I disagree.

I’m unwell and I do need help with that, in the same way people would expect help with a physical illness. I find the idea that mental illness is just a normal reaction to the state of the world to be stigmatising.

The way I feel, and my behaviour, isn’t normal. It impacts my DC in so many different ways. It’s not that we don’t have quality time, we do. But my anxiety affects her life and that’s not fair.

The thing with IAPT is they’re reading off a script most of the time, and their level of intervention it’s not helpful for an illness. It’s much the same as what the poster above (I’m sure with good intentions) has said and your rightful response. You have an illness, and you need treatment. You can’t think or walk or positive intention your way out of a physical illness and the fact that it’s expected you can for a psychological illness is quite frankly, insulting.

IAPT are fine for mild depression and anxiety etc, and do provide some helpful interventions (I know my local does emdr for straight forward ptsd), but on the whole it’s for mild, circumstantial complaints. Not the type of thing you are struggling with.

ETA - it’s great that you’ve come a long way on your own. (Even though you shouldn’t have to.) That tells me that you have the strength to get through this.

Hi OP,
Have you any low cost therapy near you?
The NHS have a very specific model of care which is very specific in it's targeting of patients. As you say, IAPT has become very functional - sleep, exercise, nutrition, depression sessions etc, CMHTs are often dealing with psychiatric diagnoses, the more functioning of whom will get to see the clinical psychologists.
Sometimes low cost therapy is good - offered by students who are very well supervised by more experienced therapists.

Hi Op, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.. how is it that's your mental health is affecting your DC do you think?

No we don’t have anything like that around here unfortunately

So many ways. It’s such a big feature in our lives because my anxiety and OCD is so debilitating. She will try to help me calm down if I’m having a panic attack, for example, which is something a child shouldn’t feel like they have to do. I’m worried about the long term affects of this

I'm sorry op, I know how heavy that must feel.. I know you said you've tried medication.. can I ask you what you've tried/ dosage?? X

How are you feeling op?

Have you tried Chlomipramine? It’s recommended for OCD when SSRi’s don’t work.

Theres none of the horrible anxiety start up effects.

Or Venlafaxine?

Sny chance you’re adhd? Dd had severe anxiety before it was recognised.

Ive heard ECT is very effective at treating ‘treatment resistant’ depression, but I’m not sure it’s suitable if your issue is anxiety. Just thought I’d mention it.