How to help someone

[Letmeloveyou]

So my DH has suffered with some MH issues for a while. On the surface you’d never know and certainly none of his friends/colleagues would know.
He is the perfect dad and husband and we feel so lucky to have him.
The problem is, he doesn’t know what he wants from life.. he doesn’t know what makes him happy and is always searching for it. He has a corporate job he is good at that pays well and he is well liked. He’s started a job on the side himself which takes up a lot of time which he thought might make him happy. He exercises regularly at the gym/boxing and eats well. He has good friends around him, spends time with myself and my son but he says he still doesn’t feel happy. He thinks it all lies in the fact he doesn’t like himself. He has always been insecure despite physically looking great and in shape he just doesn’t see what everyone else sees! He is loyal, caring, hard working and would help anyone but when he said last night he doesn’t like himself it made me really sad.

He has had therapy in the past and at the time thought it helped but now feels clearly it hasn’t. I asked if he was depressed and he said maybe but he’s definitely not the type to take medication for this.

I just wonder how I can support him as I feel worried about him but don’t want him to know this but I don’t know how to help him.

You hold him on a very very high pedestal

No one is “perfect”

and I’d hate to think anyone would think I was perfect. The pressure!

Ok no one is perfect.. everyone has their flaws but we see so many posts slating men but to me he’s great! Yes he snores, yes he is always late and he’s a day dreamer but what I’m trying to emphasise is that to me and most people he’s a great person!

Why don’t you explain what you mean then?! You think I’m putting him under pressure to be perfect?

Does he have private medical insurance OP? If so, or if you can afford it anyway, then an appointment with a private psychiatrist would be the best place to start. They can advice whether medication would be appropriate and/or refer onto properly qualified psychologist or therapist if necessary.

Thanks for your help! Your input has been really helpful!

He did use this to speak to someone before and I recommended it again and he said he knows they’ll say the same stuff and he needs to sort it out himself. Thing is I am not the most stable either and am on antidepressants and I find it hard to know how to support him. He said it’s all very deep and everything I suggested a he shrugs off. I want to help but feel helpless! He said he doesn’t tell me stuff as I get upset and worried but it’s hard not to!

Does he feel appreciated? I find that when i don't feel appreciated, I turn that inwards into myself and find myself telling myself I don't like myself, I'm worthless etc. It takes me a while to unravel that actually I'm not getting or hearing the positive feedback. Sometimes it'd because I'm coasting and not challenging myself, I'm actually bored. There may well also be some negative core beliefs going on that therapy cam help with.

You can't support him OP. He has to figure it out for himself.

Tbh if my husband told me he wasn't happy id tell him he's welcome to leave and build a new life for himself. All this navel gazing does, is make you self centered and you tend not to think of others feelings.

Tell him you're there if he needs you but you're not going to mention it any more.

Sounds like someone who’s got self esteem problems, most of which begin in childhood which is why they feel ‘ deep’ or unconnected with the adult. Have a look at my AMA and see if the info on there resonates.

I definitely make sure he feels appreciated. I thank him for the things he does for us and I also do a lot for him and our family. I do think it’s self esteem issues for sure.
I agree re the maybe not talking about it too much. I guess I worry he would do something stupid although promises he never would. The suggestions I made were batted away so quickly it made me feel stupid but then I felt bad for making it about me!

@Eyesopenwideawake what is AMA?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4559328-im-a-hypnotist-remedial-not-stage-ama?page=1

As I mentioned most problems with the way people regard themselves originate in the first 10 years of life, when we take on board everything without having the ability to judge for factual truth. That's why someone who could appear to have the perfect life on the surface can still be deeply unhappy. It IS possible to change these thoughts.