Weird Drs. visit and ADHD form struggles

[Jugglingeverythingbutthekitchensink]

I'll try and get everything in, please be patient with me! I feel like everything is being thrown at me all at once.

DS22 had a friend who is identical to him, recently diagnosed Autism 1. They are supporting DS to start the assessment process.

DD17 has been recommended for an ADHD assessment by her college, they are collecting evidence and I have the forms to fill in. The problem is I can't even look at the form without massive panic and anxiety. I've put it off for far too long and now I'm worried she won't get seen before she's 18. I do have clinical depression (medicated) and the anxiety stems from being mistreated by Drs when I had PND. I've had therapy which has helped, but this form has pushed me over my limit. Any tips?

The other reason it was so stressful is that I had a face to face review with the Dr and she asked how my anxiety was, so I explained the situation. She was really empathetic, and said, 'how did you feel after your auADHD diagnosis?' I sort of paused and said I hadn't been diagnosed! She was hugely apologetic (she apologised again as I left and said she would understand if I wanted to raise a complaint). I said I didn't mind, but wondered why she thought that. She'd worked on MDT as an assessor and said she thought this would be something to look into.
I'm a bit blindsided by it all tbh, and feel incredibly overwhelmed. I can't even break it down into small chunks to conquer. The furthest I've got is prioritising DD, then helping DS, then myself. DH is amazing and is helping too, but my anxiety surrounding it all is making me hold him back from doing the forms.

Posting to add - I think I just need a step-by-step process to level my head.

@Jugglingeverythingbutthekitchensink ok, I've been there and am still there many times.

Steps:

DS22 - answer any questions he has about his childhood to support his assessment process.

DD17 - can you set aside 30 minutes to look at the forms without filling them in. Then 15 minutes just to fill in any of the demographic questions. Then sit with DD and go through the form together. The questions will suddenly click and you'll start to remember all sorts of sweet quirky things that you hadn't thought of.

You.... It's really common. DD2 was diagnosed with ASD 7 years ago. DD1 4 years ago, DD3 last year, and me 6 months ago.

Thank you @Lougle so much!

DD has just got back and mentioned something about the forms, so I hesitantly asked if we should look at them tomorrow. She was super bright and breezy about how interesting it'll be and she's twisted my arm to look at the first part now😅

Thank you for your insights. I've been chatting with DH, and completely opened up about the way I think and he was completely blown away. I can't quite get my head around the fact that not everyone thinks the same way I do!

If it helps, I sat on the forms for DD to have an ASD assessment for two months. I think it was shock. Whilst I'd seen traits, I'd dismissed them and it was a paediatrician talking with DD about something else who suggested an ASD assessment.

I also believe that I have adhd, as DS does, and freezing when I really need to crack-on with essential admin is a big problem for me. I really do KNOW I need to do the thing, it's causing issues not having done the thing...and yet I can't/won't/haven't done it. Breaking it up into pieces helps.

Thank you @PragmaticIsh it's reassuring to hear your experience too.

DS and I often 'translate' for each other if there's a misunderstanding at home, like over/underreactions. DH and DD are very similar and he was a 'challenging' and hyperactive child apparently!

I hear lots of people saying that they didn't see the all or some of the signs of their child's neurodiversity, as the child is just like them or their other parent. Then once the child has a diagnosis, and they read more about it all, they recognise it in themselves. Which can be quite shocking, as 'surely I'm not neurodiverse'?

I've always known that DS has adhd, it was clear from him being a toddler. Plus I was like him as a child, and I think I've always known about me but without a diagnosis.

In DD I just didn't see it, or the things I saw I dismissed as they were subtle. Until they weren't. Her diagnosis rocked me but DS's diagnosis was just obvious.

Don't beat yourself up about the forms, it sounds as though your DD is going to be an asset to you in getting them done. Your children aren't tiny so their voices should help.

Until ten or twelve years ago the diagnostic criteria very explicitly made an auADHD diagnosis impossible - being diagnosed with one absolutely ruled out the other being diagnosed.

It's a little odd that your doctor asked an adult old enough to have a 22 year old son how they felt after getting a diagnosis which wasn't possible until about ten years ago. I'd wonder what your doctor was playing at making that not well thought through comment tbh and not take the inherent implication that you should have this diagnosis as particularly well informed or thoughtful.

I see what you mean @MatildaClement I took it that she meant I'd been assessed recently, as in the last few years - which would tie in with my clinical depression diagnosis and treatment timeframe too which we were discussing at that appointment. It would tie in with the narrative of depression linked to masking behaviours or a genetic predisposition to depression alongside inherited ND traits.

Anyway, she was mortified and I could tell she regretted saying it immediately. She was really lovely and I would feel happy seeing her again.

Ah okay.

Obviously if you have children diagnosed or on the pathway it's fairly likely you have a similar neurological phenotype.

The doctor asking how you felt when receiving a diagnosis which isn't on your records and wasn't possible when you were a child or young adult felt off though.

You could only have been diagnosed as a mature adult and mother (which in reality would mean you would have had to do enough research to think of self referral, and therefore would almost certainly have noticed the traits in your then teen or tween children at the same time and surely begun the process for them then too...).

It feels like bait fishing somehow... I guess I'm just cynical!

I don't think she'd looked too far back in my records tbh 😅 I've been there a fair amount recently, so I think she just made an incorrect assumption considering I'd brought up DDs forms.

I don't know what bait fishing is, but feel that maybe its accusatory?

Thankfully others have been incredibly helpful and supportive, so I'll leave this thread now before it descends into the usual MN pile on. Such a shame, but thank you @Lougle and @PragmaticIsh - forms are started, which I couldn't have done without a push, and DD has emailed her tutor some extra questions. She's been amazing!