Done all I can post suicidal feelings - just waiting now but have been doing lots of self analysis meantime. What do you make of this if you care to practise your armchair psychology on me?

[objectivity]

I have horrid horrid on off relationship with man X. Man X is at least 50 percent the cause of my current 'difficulties'.

I know there are feelings of rejection and abandonment at the root of my problems so I have been working on 'letting go' of this dreadful relationship which is now just him using me for sex,to be quite frank.

I realised yesterday that I actually feel horribly guilty about ending things more finally in my own mind, and actually sorry for him even though he is hurting me madly. Wtf is that all about?

I can draw a direct parallel with some early memories that I mentioned in a previous thread. Now this is weird so any mental health topic voyeurs will be at this but the empathetic ones among you might be able to shed some light..?

Me, as 6 year old goes to front door of family home to be let in by parents, no answer, so go to back door. Parents come to front door so I run back to front door and miss them. Cue me running to back door to be let in and inconsolable - desperately upset and feeling bad for 'missing' my parents letting me in. I cannot describe just how upset I used to get at this scenario.There is a similar one with my mum comign to collect me from school and me not seeing her car so walking on home only for her to tell me she was waiting at school for me.

I feel very vulnerable posting this so please be kind. Iam desperate for answers and am having major lightbulb moments right now. Ifeel it is important to explore them with friends as therapy could be some way off.

apologies for my serious offloading here

x

gosh,haven't read more replies but spotted a line about having upset me! NO! Nobody has. I'm okay - just hadto resettle boys in bed.

Will read now and reply...

out of curiosity
Is there any form of treatment for what seems to be in itself a huge problem for you, analysing!
Isn't this in itself like a disease (addiction)
I just wondered if once your question is answered will another replace it and so on.
I wonder too if you know more about the root of your feelings of guilt than you are exspressing?
I have driven my self mad and others by doing this....still do sometimes but a huge event sort of released me from it. Overnight my childhood was validated and I was given some credit by legal justice.

I think recognising where behaviour patterns come from is important, not a problem or an addiction, pellmell, but I agree that it is only part of the process of changing behaviour - what was it that helped you so much?

Silly me to think there may lie simple answers to these questions!

Pellmell, forgive me,but I'm not entirely sure of what you are saying. I don't think my over analysis is my issue - it is something I have shied away from in terms of getting stuff 'out there'. I hate talking about it all but I MUST do this now or I will give up on life. It really is my last chance,so I can't worry too much about what others think of my insane ponderings anymore. If all this makes me nuts,or I get a diagnosis that scares me,I'd rather that than the complete misery that is my self-destroying cycle of how I go about living life.

Itistrue that I have over analysed the present as procrastination in dealing with the real stuff from the past.

My parents and I have become very distant in the last few years. We have been surprisingly close until recently. The trigger for us now having no contact has been my realisation that they are quite toxic in terms of my sorting myself out. I have tried to talk over my feelings about the past with understanding and forgiveness but I have angered them and my mother has become very defensive and furthered the destruction of my self esteem by,essentially,saying that I am over sensitive and a bit 'funny' I really cannot listen to anymore crap about how it must be my fault for being sensitive.

My dad used a wooden stick to make me eat when I was less than 10 years old. He held it across the table from one end. I don't recall him hitting me with it. I was then criticised age about 15 for gaining a bit of weight and then again at 17 for being 'so anorexic,that's why you are constantly ill'.

I do remember instantly acting upon such criticism and either gaining or losing weight accordingly.

Holdon..DSawake...

Oh and I hate men who love me and adore me in a genuine way. It repulses me. My husband was like that.That's why we divorced. I am much 'happier' with bastardy types.

I don't know why I felt bad about my parents not being there for me. I mean,nobody really should have felt bad about not answering the sodding door. It was just one of those things.I think the prevailing thought at the time was 'you were there for me and I'd given up and gone [to the other door]I should have heldout and knopwn you wouldcome'

Aha!I doubted them.

I wonder if that doubt came from the very early being left thing and kinda grew.

Seems like the distance between you and your parents has been there for longer than a few years objectivity, you seem to have been the 'other' in your family for a very long time - forcing your 10 year old to eat by pointing a stick at them is more akin to dog training than childrearing isn't it, and it seems the hoop jumping didn't stop there. I'd expect that your mother gets defensive and your father hypercritical when you try and lay all that to rest because they prefer to believe their reality, not yours is the valid one. Do your parents have a particularly obsessive relationship with each other, so you feel like an interloper? it seems odd that they praise your sister for basically not making any demands on them, but make you feel so terribly inferior for trying your best to please them

I could justify my father's behaviour a million times whilst still seeing it in its' abusive reality. He loved me so he wanted me to eat. That's why he threatened me with a stick and called me names. Adult me says 'but hold on you threatened me with a frikkin stick you moron'.

They are never going to be sorry. Iread enough Susan Forward to not be bothered about that,but I do need to repair the damage both mum and dad did. Dad, aggressive and vitriolic. Mother passive and complicit.

one of those very damaging,heavily codependent sadomaschistic marriages then? Nice

I guess. But then,passive though she is, she dictates the whole set up. she doesn't even let him wee standing up fgs! Seriosuly! So she was just passive about him being a wanker to me and my sister.She's Mrs non-confrontation but passive aggressive galore with my dad.

Oh,I don't know. I don't get her at all.

It would have been when they were both there - weekends 'playing out' with friends. But it would have been my mum not answering in time that absolutely gutted me. I loved my mum so much it hurt when I was younger.

excuse me for saying this,but you seem to have done the classic 'looking for daddy' thing with mr X (don't know what your Ex-H was like) you seem to be very aware of it, but you haven't been able to shake off your mother's part in it all, and that is possibly the hardest thing, to separate your selfimage from your image of your mother
we all need our mums to love us and if they can't, then we'll move mountains to try and make it so, even when our logical brains tell us that it's not going to happen, they're just too far gone.

I'd also say that the true picture is that your Father is the masochistic one then, perhaps the abusive behavior was the way he tried to gain 'mummy's' approval - rather pathetic if you can stand outside and look in.

I don't remember her doing much at all to be honest. Here is a list of nearly everything I remember.

Her crying on her Birthday cos me and my sis were being shits so she threw the present we gave her in the bin.
Her cuddling us every day when we got in from school.
Her making birthday cake with tangerine sugar segmenty things on.
Her playing guitar very reluctantly and very occasionally though we LOVED it.
Her hitting me round the head so I fell off the sofa.
Her making roast dinner and not letting us help serve it out because she had the plates a certain way and then complaining that me/sis/dad never helped.
Her nagging my dad. But never, ever arguing.
Her putting me to shame and making me stand in the garden in my nightie for reading a 'teen' book to my sister who is 2 years younger. It had stuff about STDs in it and my mum listened up the chimney to me reading it out for at least half an hour before she ran in and busted me.
Her going to lots of trouble at Xmas and then compalinign about that too.

Hmmm...I see a picture forming.

That really is about it. I do not remember any significant nice things except the after school hugs and her being quite soft and cuddly and gentle.She was good with cut knees and never used anything except Dettol because it wouldn't sting. That was quite thoughtful of her.

Oh and dragging us round Bejam when she was frozen food rep. or something...

Latest/most recent partner could 'be' my Dad if I shut my eyes. Carbon copy.

crikey, she's a real soul sucker then - , randomly rejecting you, but keeping you coming back by doling out favours, i wonder very much if that is a symptom of her own upbringing, or if she is just one of those people who are so self obsessed they have to shape their entire world to prop up their ego.
Crying, then throwing your present in the bin = look what you've made me do, i'll make you sorry
The occasional guitar playing = I'll make you beg for my favours
the sunday dinner = you can't possibly do things as well as me, and i'll make you guilty for it
nagging, but not arguing = I'm not the nasty one, you are
The book incident = how dare you grow up, I'll make you feel like a naughty child
christmas = you're all so ungrateful,i work myself to the bone for you and you don't suck up to me nearly enough

such destruction, caused by one person who no doubt feels that she is terribly misunderstood and only wanted the best.

I'm sorry for you dittany. Post as much as you want to here about your stuff if it helps

Most recent partner has all these 'should' 'should not' ideas and is very staunch. He picks on his daughter (in a jokey fashion) about her weight. He is aggressive when it comes to things being as he thinks they ought to be.

He is less intelligent than me but more successful.

He shows his emotional fears through aggressive behaviours/being angry. So when on the rare occasion he is concerned about me, he'll be stern with me. My father was exactly like this.

in a completely unskilled armchair psychology sort of way - I wonder if you look for a relationship with someone similar to your dad as 1)it feels familiar and strangely reassuring 2)you feel like somehow you are pleasing your mum by doing this by choosing a similar man to her 3)that if you can come up to the standard of your current man, you can sort out the fact that you felt you didn't get the approval of your dad.

this may be completely unhelpful of me to suggest it. but best wishes with your recovery. anyway and with breaking free of an unhelpful relationship.