Done all I can post suicidal feelings - just waiting now but have been doing lots of self analysis meantime. What do you make of this if you care to practise your armchair psychology on me?

[objectivity]

I have horrid horrid on off relationship with man X. Man X is at least 50 percent the cause of my current 'difficulties'.

I know there are feelings of rejection and abandonment at the root of my problems so I have been working on 'letting go' of this dreadful relationship which is now just him using me for sex,to be quite frank.

I realised yesterday that I actually feel horribly guilty about ending things more finally in my own mind, and actually sorry for him even though he is hurting me madly. Wtf is that all about?

I can draw a direct parallel with some early memories that I mentioned in a previous thread. Now this is weird so any mental health topic voyeurs will be at this but the empathetic ones among you might be able to shed some light..?

Me, as 6 year old goes to front door of family home to be let in by parents, no answer, so go to back door. Parents come to front door so I run back to front door and miss them. Cue me running to back door to be let in and inconsolable - desperately upset and feeling bad for 'missing' my parents letting me in. I cannot describe just how upset I used to get at this scenario.There is a similar one with my mum comign to collect me from school and me not seeing her car so walking on home only for her to tell me she was waiting at school for me.

I feel very vulnerable posting this so please be kind. Iam desperate for answers and am having major lightbulb moments right now. Ifeel it is important to explore them with friends as therapy could be some way off.

apologies for my serious offloading here

i think what is more importnat is what you make of these specific memories.

more about your fear of bieng left/ abandoned and letting others down

why were you inconsolable when you missed your parents at the door? because you had done the wrong thing? or becasue you though they'd close the door for ever?

The scenario you describe is about your loved ones not being there for you when you need them. They are there for you but at the wrong time, not when you need them - and this makes you feel upset that they are not there for you and guilty because the timing is wrong. You are taking on guilt that does not rest with you in this scenario. When your loved ones do not give you what you need you feel guilty. But you are not guilty.

Also, the fact that your parents were not there at the right time did not mean that they didn't care as they did want to let you in but just that their timing was wrong.

oooh, you are good, darthvader!

it speaks volumes to me, objectivity, that you know your relationship with this man is bad, that it is unhealthy and he is using you.. yet you cannot bring yourself to end it, and you feel bad about it

you must really be down on yourself

Your current bloke is not there for you when you need him. But this is not like your relationship with your parents. He does not value you and it is not simply a timing issue.

He is not giving you what you need and never will, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. You should distance yourself from him because he is an unhelpful, unhealthy influence in your life. It is not the case that he loves you and has just got the timing wrong.

He does not value you. And if you spend time with folk who do not value you it will make it hard for you to value yourself and this is a major major problem.

I am going to spend all night considering your question lulumama. DarthVader, that fits both the now and the past as an explanation of my thinking. I definitely feel that exdp was not there for me when I was for him, and now guilt in removing myself from this no-win situation where the timing is always wrong.

I quite buy into transactional analysis theory and repeating patterns of behaviour in relationships so it stands to reason that if that was the dynamic when I was a child, I'd want to recreate that (however subconsciously) now.

Thank you so much.

i think that theory makes sense. you have to unlearn the repsonses and get new ones. move out of the comfort zone , of always acting this way.. even when it has awful consequneces, but you know where you are with that pattern.

question is, what will help break it and make new responses.

good luck on your journey

Ahh, okay so not timing. Timing is an excuse,or a way of him (and me) worming out of the reality that he does not love or respect me? Ok.

I've lost count of the number of times I've blamed 'bad timing' as the reason things haven't worked with partners.

Could being left age 2 (very early memory)have been the trigger for this total overreaction to the knocking on doors scenario do you think?

God knows why it made me so upset. It's not a big deal.Mostpeople would shrug it off.

Idon't think my parents actually liked me. Ever. They loved me,sure.But not liked.

lulumama is asking v good questions - what will help you to break the pattern?

Recognising where the pattern comes from is very important and it seems that you have pretty much done this on your own. So this is the first step.

When you feel guilty, pinch yourself and step back, ask yourself if this is an appropriate reaction. And when you feel bad, pay attention to what made you feel bad. Look for things and people who make you feel good and valued. Maybe write a daily diary for a bit to focus on this - write down each day what made you feel good and what made you feel bad.

You deserve to feel good and to be valued. You are poisoning your life by clinging to stuff that makes you feel bad and your guilt is not appropriate guilt now anymore that it was when you were 6.

I just read the last post. Yes, certainly the feeling of being left at 2 could be v important to how you feel about people leaving you now. And if you feel that you parents loved you but did not like you, this fits with assuming that if your partner treats you without respect or affection, he still loves you.

You need to be liked and respected in a relationship, it is fundamental. Even if your partner loves you (and I very much doubt that he does, he is not your parents after all) but if he doesn't respect or like you, that is definite reason to end the relationship.

are your parents aroudn for you to talk to?

what happened aged 2?

i think the vast majority of children would be a bit upset over soem confusion about being let in the house, but obviously it means a lot more to you if years later this event is something that is coming back to haunt you

so, you don;t feel yor parents liked you, they loved you though.. so you pick men who treat you like they don;t like you either! >

If you want to end the relationship it is OK to feel sorry for Man X.

But it is not good for you to be with him. Equally it is not good for him. It is very bad for him to be in a relationship where he shows little respect for his partner.

Concentrate on the kids for a bit, you & your kids can show each other love, understanding and respect, and value each other, the love between you will be real honest love.

Dr Freud has made an excellent point - your version of love as modelled on your formative relationship with your parents goes hand in hand with not actually being liked.

So have you been going out looking for men who don't like you and assuming that if they don't like you they at least love you? Because there is a big flaw in the logic on that one.

yep...beacsue being loved is the be all and end all.. and excuses all the bieng treated like shit, doesn't it?

Come back objectivity as I am worried in case I have upset you, I am armchair psychologisting here, only my thoughts here, they may be barking up the wrong tree

i was just going to say, objectivity, what do you think so far? load of crap or soemwhere near the mark

analysis is painful and can make you look some horrible stuff in the eye, which is hard but ultimately really worthwhile in the long run

when i was going through a messy divorce i seemed to attract all the wrong types,mybe I even married one

It is very hard to know why you get treated badly
hard to step back and see things as others see the situation

hope you are ok

Am tempted to ask you both to sort me out but I don't have the mental or emotional strength for it today

we all have our issues, don;t we? always easier to sort out other peoples though, isn't it?

in black and white, it all seems easier

in the colour of reality things are so different

I am no good at advising, but I hope objectivity is alright

please come back objectivity, just say shut up if we got stuff wrong

am off to bed in a bit, so i hope you are ok, and sleep well, objectivity

sweet dreams all

and to you , darth x