Hi op, I’ve only just seen your latest post. Thanks, you are very welcome, but I think my reply is a bit inadequate really! I wish I could do more to help.
A few things occurred to me while reading your update.
First, I am so happy that you are going to find someone to help you. I realise that it’s not your dc’s preference, but I think you need to frame it in your mind that you are ultimately doing this for them (even if they object) because you need support too. You are not superhuman. And no one can give their best to others if they neglect themselves. Also, you deserve a weekly break, at the very least, especially if this is likely to be a long term situation.
Your child is oblivious to your needs because they are young, their brain isn’t fully developed yet, and adolescence is hard enough, even without SEN. They need to focus on themselves just to survive the struggle. It’s a bit like a baby taking everything from you in the womb in order that they survive. So you need to advocate for yourself and “feed” yourself well. Emotionally as well as physically. You need a bit of head space.
Second, your dc is thirteen. If I may say so, that’s a peak PDA age even in dc who don’t have PDA. 😄 In other words, it may not always be this intense. Their frontal cortex hasn’t hasn’t joined up with their limbic system yet - that happens around the age of 25 - and so for the moment they are extra impulsive, defensive, disregulated etc, but the adolescent period will pass.
Don’t get me wrong, I know PDA brings with it a whole load of extra pressures and can be impossible to handle and is absolutely no joke. But it also pays to remember that your child is also going a very demanding phase of development when their brain plasticity is equivalent to that of a toddler’s, and that won’t always be the case.
Some people will disagree with this but in my personal situation, my dc definitely benefited from a few years out, mainly living in their bedroom. It was like their cocoon in which they were pupating. It provided them with a safe space without pressure or stress, in a very stressful world. But they did eventually emerge stronger and more mature. Their SEN meant that they were behind their peers developmentally and emotionally, and a couple of years allowed them to catch up a little.
Remember that many teenagers, with SEN or not, do retreat to their bedrooms. It’s a normal developmental phase. Your child perhaps needs it even more? Given that a teen has to put a boundary between you and them in order to develop as an individual, their bedroom provides a physical barrier and a degree of independence they need; at a time when they are not mature enough to earn or fend for themselves. It’s the perfect in-between space!
Obviously, they will eventually need to learn to come to terms with some challenges, But for now, maybe this is what they need? But your situation may look radically different in five years time?
Third, I definitely went down the rabbit hole at one point so can totally identify with that. I worried so much about our child, and their future. and was brought so low by our situation, that I got in to a very miserable state that I am only just emerging from now. And you know what? It didn’t help my child at all that I got depressed. It made the situation even worse. They needed me to be stronger. In retrospect, I wish I had been a bit more selfish and stepped back a bit and not followed them down the rabbit hole quite so closely. As it only made them feel more anxious when I was low and anxious. If I had to go through that period again, I would have kept up with my friendships and creative interests.
Btw, my dc was very reluctant to go to counselling and take ADs (they were older than your dc at the time) and I was very sceptical about the latter, and was really worried about side effects etc but they did go on them eventually and the ADs did work and boosted their mood considerably. I have to admit I was incredibly surprised by this! They are coming off them now gradually, but it helped them survive this very challenging time in their life. I survived without them as my low mood lifted as our situation improved but honestly, in retrospect I could have done with taking them too.
My honest advice would be not to overthink this. If you think they might help, try them for a few months, you can always change your mind. They might give you a much needed boost.
Thanks for your best wishes for my dc. They are in a much better place now, despite the fact that I didn’t handle our situation well. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? 🙈
I know it’s frustrating, but please don’t fall in to the trap of thinking you are doing nothing, You are helping your dc just by being there. And by loving them. But please take care of yourself and try and protect yourself too as this is a marathon, not a sprint. I know you would give the same advice to a friend in the same situation; and yet sometimes looking after our own interests can be the hardest thing of all. 💐