Too anxious to invite other mums round

[Tiredofbeinganxious]

I am a SAHM to my DD who is almost 2. I take DD to lots of toddler groups and am friendly with a handful of mums but I get so anxious about inviting them round to my house, and I feel so guilty if I am invited to their house and don't reciprocate.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent which meant I never invited friends round to my house, and I just can't shake this awful dread and shame I feel at inviting someone in to my space. I'm not sure why I still feel so much shame around this, because I know rationally that my house is fine and I don't have anything to hide. I have an autoimmune disease which presents primarily as fatigue for me which means sometimes I struggle with housework but my house is definitely passable, and even on my bad days when I think the house is awful I know that in reality it's not as bad as that.

I just wish I wasn't like this. I feel like I build this invisible barrier between myself and everyone else in order to keep me safe, but I'm so lonely. I just wish I could be normal and not panic at the prospect of someone coming round.

One of my mum friends messaged earlier about arranging a playdate on Thursday and a little part of me felt like I should reply and invite them here but I instantly felt my panic rising and I just don't know how to reply. I really want to get over this but I'm so afraid and I feel like I'm not going to be able to do all the cleaning/tidying I'd need to do to feel happy to invite them round before Thursday.

I just wish I could feel like I'm good enough.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is worth trying to work through though so your child can have friends over to play and you can build relationships too.
Would it help to have one room as the room you focus on for playdates? Plus the toilet? Get those as tidy as you feel is helpful and not worry about the rest. If they want tea you can go and get it from the kitchen while the other mum watches the kids.

I think because you are asking the question and have a good understanding of why you have in the past been like this, that you are now ready to try it, send out that invite, nobody is expecting a tidy pristine house, just a presentable normal ‘ lived in’ house. Give it a quick tidy, not go on instagram etc and get influenced by people engineering their lives to fit an ideal. We all know it’s all a persona.

enjoy your first hosting , just relax have a chat, maybe a cup of tea and a biscuit and let the little ones play x

I think you’re going to have to work on this as it’s expected that it’s reciprocal.

Could you arrange it for a time at the weekend when your husband is there? It might calm you down.

Oh OP. Hugs.

Couple of potential options:

1. Playdate in park/similar. Neutral ground, can leave when you want to.
2. Playdate at home, but, oh dear, you've got swimming at 4, but I'll walk part way to the leisure centre with you.

I loathe and detest people outstaying their welcome.

I just wish I could feel like I'm good enough

Oh lovie, you are and you can.

Start here;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

and here;

https://positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/

Find a good therapist. This is the sort of thing that could be helped hugely by some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or other types of talking therapy or hypotherapy. Save up and treat yourself to a block of six sessions. It will probably change your life.

You are only living half a life, existing in this constant state of fear and anxiety and worry about being judged, all completely unnecessarily. What a waste and a shame. Make this thread your catalyst for change. I wish you loads of luck.

You're not alone @Tiredofbeinganxious

I hate the expectation that just because you've been invited to someone's house that you feel you have to invite them to yours.

I understand the advice given above - it's all very good - but you know what, if now isn't the right time to reciprocate, try not to waste your energy worrying about it. Focus on what you and your little one need now. The right mum friend or your child's friend will come along at some point and you will feel a bit more prepared to try it. There are plenty of places to meet outside your home, and maybe one day when you are feeling more ready you will be able to explain that you feel anxious about inviting people round and suggest meeting at the park or soft play instead. None of us need to place more expectation or pressure on ourselves.

Hi OP,

I hear what a difficult situation this is for you. That feeling of shame can be so debilitating and just causes us to want to shut down mentally and physically and hide away.

I'm a therapist who has a particular interest in working with shame and the power of self-compassion as an antidote to shame, self-criticism and guilt. My IG handle is mother.nurture.therapy where I post about this topic regularly. You can also find the links for my blogs and videos from there too.

I wish you all the best as you tackle this, Megan.

Thanks so much for all the replies, I really appreciate all of them. I've been brave and replied to my friend inviting her and her little girl here tomorrow afternoon. I'm anxious but trying to tell myself it will be okay. Have done some light tidying and cleaning today and my husband and I are going to tackle a few more things together this evening.

It's been a tough day I'm not going to lie. Have had some very anxious moments and cried a lot but still managed to batch cook a massive bolognese, take my little girl to the library and go to the shop to stock up on some fruit, biscuits and flowers to make things feel nice for tomorrow.

I really wish I didn't find such basic things so challenging. It's so hard not to spiral into a really negative headspace when I'm having hard days. I find as soon as I don't do something in a way which I deem ideal, I start having the most awful inner monologue and it just knocks me off kilter and I find I struggle so badly to get out of feeling like I'm just a rubbish excuse of a mum.

Trying to be kind to myself but it feels horrible because I feel like I don't deserve kindness of compassion when I'm doing such a bad job of everything. Hoping I can shower tonight and wash my hair which might make me feel a bit better.

Good for you, hope you are able to enjoy it to some extent. If you feel self-conscious you can just say you got out of the habit of having people round, it happens to so many people especially after kids

Had a bad night's sleep last night (just felt so anxious and couldn't get back to sleep after waking at 1am). Spoke with DH at around 3am as I was really struggling and he helped to calm me down enough to fall back to sleep for a bit.

I've had a good morning so far, have done some hoovering and tidying and I'll dust once DD is down for her nap. Friend isn't coming round til 3:30pm so I have lots of time. Luckily it's a beautiful day here so the sunshine coming in is helping me feel a bit calmer. Depending on how the rest of my tidying/cleaning goes and when DD naps I might take her out for a walk early this afternoon to get some sunlight on my face and fresh air in my lungs.

Have struggled to eat as I've been feeling so tense but just shared a banana with DD which has helped a little. Still feel nervous about how I'll be when my friend is here. I know I'm good at putting a face on and pretending to be breezy but I'm scared that my facade might slip and I might get upset. It's all so silly and I really wish I didn't feel like this. I feel like everyone else in the world just gets on with things and I'm stuck here overthinking every tiny detail and telling myself I'm useless if I do the slightest thing 'wrong'.

Loads of people have their own things going on just like you, they just hide it and pretend to be breezy as you do. For a toddler parent, keeping the toddler occupied is a win, I bet that's all your friend is thinking about and from that point of view it is bound to be a success as other people's toys are always interesting for a nearly two year old.

How did it go?

As someone who also cannot face having other people in my home, I can say you aren’t alone!

I’d advise being honest about it, at least to a degree. Just say that you can’t have people round, so if they still want to invite you round on that basis then you can bring the snacks/lunch. I’ve only had one person get arsey about that, and it was an indication that they weren’t a kind person anyway.

I get by on honesty, and on offering cake/biscuits/to bring the fish fingers and chips for lunch, or craft activities and supplies. As long as you are offering some form of reciprocity then it’s still fair.

@APatternGrammar Sorry for not updating last night, I was so tired after getting DD down to sleep that I was asleep on the sofa by 8pm!

It actually was really good - the girls played so nicely together and I had a lovely chat with my friend. DD refused to nap yesterday so I was a little worried how she'd be faring by 3:30pm but she did well and only got a bit restless as my friend and her little girl were heading home for their tea.

I'm going to really try and push past my fear of letting my guard down and be more open to having other mums round. I had another bad night last night (awake for hours feeling anxious for no particular reason - not sure if maybe it's a side effect of my medication or if I'm just going a bit doolally) so feeling tired today. DD has also refused to nap again so going to just take it easy this afternoon.

Thanks so much for your support on this thread; I was having a few very wobbly days and the kindness you all showed me really helped me through. ❤️