DD and anxiety - thinking of quitting uni. Help

[IHeartKingThistle]

She’s 18, first year. She’s had bouts of anxiety in the past but usually has great strategies. She’s naturally outgoing and sociable - the type to go up to new people and introduce herself no problem. But she’s found moving away quite overwhelming even though she really likes the uni and has made friends. She’s been unwell quite a bit and isn’t sleeping well, which has caused her to miss lectures, and now being behind is exacerbating the anxiety. She’s been home this week for reading week and she’s been up and down. She is panicking about going back tomorrow and is thinking of quitting, even though she likes living away and doesn’t want to move home. She got solid A Levels but has very little confidence academically and now says she should have done something else instead of uni. We’ve asked her to not make any big decisions till Christmas, which she agrees is a good plan and she wants to do that, but she’s still anxious and thinking she can’t do it. We’re going to pay for counselling via zoom starting asap.

I’m driving her back tomorrow. Right now we’ve had a chat and she’s feeling better about it than she was earlier. But what if she panics in the morning, or when I try and leave? She says it feels like when she had separation anxiety in primary school, but the strategies we had then don’t work now. I feel like if I force her to go tomorrow I’m damaging her, and if I keep her home I’m perpetuating her own worries that she can’t cope.

Please be gentle. This has been all I can think about for weeks, knowing she’s been unhappy. We’ve tried a lot of things already. This probably comes across like I’m a helicopter mother but I promise it’s not that - I have a very full on career myself and I have never tried to be in charge of her life. I’m blaming myself as it is but she’s never been pressured for grades or to follow a particular path - she mentioned doing a gap year last year but had no plan for what to do in that year and was excited to move away so that’s why she went this year. I’m not averse to her quitting - I just feel like it’s too soon for her to decide. But maybe that’s not up to me. It’s awful, that’s all.

Has anyone experienced anything similar and could give me some advice please?

Yes.

uni can put support in place. She needs to contact either her tutor or study support directly and tell them she’s been unwell and is now behind and can they help,

at Newcastle they have levels of study support and the centre talk you through what is appropriate. They really helped my DD (got Covid)

Get her to contact the uni wellbeing department. They can offer her lots of support.

Im sorry your daughter is going through this.

The uni will likely have some good counselling resources via pastoral or even the SU. Has she had a look at that?

Would it help her to have train tickets booked for a few weeks time - so she considers more manageable chunks til Xmas?

I wouldn’t be too worried about being ‘behind’ but she could as PP suggests ask for a plan if it’s been an extended period, or have a conversation with her lecturers around essential reading over Xmas break at her own pace. The start of uni term is lurgy central - maybe consider a wellness pack with vitamins etc, or consider the flu jab?

Yep. 46years ago. It was me.
I wasn't ready - I only really went to leave home.

I did a secretarial course, followed by a year abroad, brushing up my French and learning to cook. After that I got a job in a bank in the City, liked it and they moved me to the syndicate desk. I never looked back.

It was also me.

l was in London, and got a transfer to Manchester which was much nearer my home city, I never looked back.

Thank you so much, it’s so great to get some input.

Hi OP so sorry you've got this worry, the move to uni can be unsettling for all concerned for many reasons. You absolutely don't sound like a helicopter parent just a very good loving one!
From what you say it sounds like this is potentially course related and like other posters say accessing support on this from the uni would be a good thing. They can chat to her about whether she feels it is the right thing to do and how she is coping with the work and make some sense of the stress she is feeling on this.
I think uni is painted as something you just fall into and have a great life away from your parents but for a lot of people that's not the case it's a huge move. Good luck with it all and hope you get some ease to your worries on this.

Im a former uni lecturer and can confirm that the uni will have support systems for your daughter and she will not be the only one.

It is a huge move from home to a new academic life and she is still very young. That said, even older students studying MSc / MBa get the same worries and difficulties. After about 6 to 8 weeks starting term many experience homesickness / course selection problems etc. The excitement of the new experience and adrenaline dissipates. The workload and deadlines increase in number and pace. Exams may be looming etc. Lectures and self study can be very different ways of learning than at school. First year undergraduates are spoon fed a bit more but the change in teaching style can be a shock.

Students put huge expectations on themselves. The pass mark for modules is usually 40% and sometimes good enough is ok. Many uni weight degree classifications on the final years work.

You are wise to delay any decision until Xmas. Investigate other study choices and transfers. But even I had to plan a weeks holiday every semester = 12 weeks just to pace myself.

Good luck !

Thank you both so much for your very kind and very wise advice! I dropped her back today and she was definitely anxious but there were no major wobbles - she’s seen friends tonight. We had lots of positive talks but kept it quite breezy today. I guess we’ll see what happens. Thanks again.