I feel so low and alone. I keep trying my best to do the right thing and it always turns out to be a bad idea , the wrong idea …just everything I do is wrong .
I just wish I could be by myself, I honestly find myself thinking if everyone died I’ll be finally able to breathe and be myself . Because no matter how hard I try it’s never good enough . There is always someone better than me out there .
I am a nurse ..that was a mistake. Work is an absolute toxic environment. I didn’t want to get a band 6 but I felt pressurised by my partner because it would have been more money and because I was doing the job anyway ..didn’t get it , because clearly I’m not good enough .
My partner is doing very well at work , my work friend are all getting a band 6. I’m staying behind . I’m not a bad nurse , im very good clinically but that is totally irrelevant going up , as it’s all about managing people and I don’t know ..just nhs paperwork crap ..got to be more confident than competent tbh ..
my partner wants another child , I don’t because I’m selfish and I don’t want to wreck my body , i don’t want another 9 months of throwing up , I dint want to get diabetes again , I don’t want to risk going throw another child death because we have already been through that with our first . But anyway ..I’m failing at that and
my daughter won’t have a sibling so I’m bad mother . I left my country years ago to come here so by all mean I’m a bad daughter too ..don’t get home often enough .
i am good at drawing but I haven’t made anything of it so that’s a failure too , waste opportunity .
i started getting piano lesson as I was going out of my mind at work at one point and decided I needed 1 nice thing in my life ..but that’s expensive so , again , my partner throws comments here and there that I’m paying a lot of money for nothing as I’m not that good with that either and it’s not like I’m gonna make a job out of it ..so what’s the point . it takes many years to become good and I should have started young ..guess that’s another mistake . If I book shifts to get extra money than I work too much and it impacts on the family…because of my crappy jobs , which I’m not good enough to get a band 6 , he has to adapt around my shifts .
jjst everything is wrong , feel like they will all be so much better off without me as I’m just a cause of problems . Also my “friend” that got to job instead of me , she has no children so obviously can focus oh the career and be successful …travels a lot ..I, instead , chose to have kids , 1 died so obviously we only have one ..because nobody counts our first anymore . Another wrong choice . Why is everything I do so wrong . Feel totally stuck as whatever my next step is going to be I can guarantee it’ll be the wrong one .