I am a 31f who just left my old life to try to challenge myself and just move on. I could really use some support and some advice from women older than me to tell me I didn’t just totally mess up everything because I am in a really bad place right now mentally and emotionally. I guess I’ve always based my self worth on my ability to care for a partner, I don’t know how to love for myself and feel okay.
The last 5 years of my life were just hell for me and something needed to change, so I moved to Stockholm, a childhood dream of mine, to do some soul searching. I always planned on going for a couple of years when I graduated high school but I started dating a guy at 17 who begged me to stay and told me he couldn’t be with me if I moved (I know, I know, I was 18). He basically always told me it was a stupid idea anyways. That relationship lasted 14 years and became incredibly controlling and abusive. I was miserable. When I was 27 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and during that time I realized I deeply regretted the decision I made to stay with a controlling partner instead of follow my dreams. After I went into remission my high school best friend died by suicide and shortly after I lost my 10 year job as a coffee shop manager and coffee roaster (my passion since I was a teenager) due to Covid taking out all of the local businesses in town. Feeling a new invigoration for wanting to be my own best friend and do what’s best for me I got the courage to leave my long relationship which was the best decision of my life but I found myself in a place without anything that I tied my identity to throughout the 20s. Throughout that whole time I tried to do college (without knowing what I wanted to do in life because I was stuck in this small Missouri town my ex refused to move out of against my constant communication that I was unhappy there and I always really felt motivated to do something cool in my life) but my mental health and self efficacy was so bad during these times that I barely made in through and only ended up receiving a General bachelors degree. Finally though, I started going to therapy and working on myself and decided I could finally take a couple of years to move to Sweden and I finally realized what I wanted to do as a career in life; be a therapist.
Sounds happy right? Well, I fell in love with a girl (we will call her Sara) in my friend group who just so happened to be moving into my house because honestly it was just a really good option for the both of us financially. I didn’t mean to fall in love with her, nor did she plan to fall in love with me, but it just kind of happened and to be honest the year of living with her was the best year of my life. It was the first time I had loved someone in that way and regardless of our past relationship trauma it was a fulfilling, communicative, and healing relationship because of how well we cared for each other, and how much we loved being around each other. At this point I had already been planning and communicating with her that I planned to move to Sweden, and she communicated that she planned to move somewhere far away for her masters and we both just wanted what was best for each other.
So, now I’m in Sweden and I was shocked to find out that it totally rocked my whole nervous system. Not only heartbroken and regretful of the decision to not stay behind a second time because of someone I was in love with, but utterly confused and shaken up that I made such a big move. I always lived in the same town, the same house, worked the same job I was passionate about and really good at, but where I am from you cant go anywhere in that job. I was stuck for a really long time just existing and not striving for better. I know there was nothing left for me in that town, and maybe it’s really just the heartbreak making me feel this way, but I can’t help but feeling I made a mistake. I have had a debilitating amount of anxiety and just overall feelings of despair. It’s only been 2 weeks, but I just feel so scared and so miserable and have found it difficult to adjust. I miss Sara and the happiness and safety that I found living with her. I’ve never experienced such joy in living with someone I’m in love with, and I left it because I knew I had to finally to something for myself. She keeps telling me I made the right decision and this is best for the both of us to grow as people and discover ourselves but I just find myself trapped in a loop of intense regret.
Besides this, my job is incredibly emotionally taxing here. I am working with my half sister, she is 9 years old and has a severe disability which causes her to have a feeding tube and seizures. I feel honored to get to care for her and be a part of her life in this way, but it is mentally and emotionally challenging in a way Ive never experienced. I’m excited to get to start school and start my new career, but the long road of 5 years to get there seems daunting, and I have a lot of going back and fixing past mistakes from my previous college history in order to make it happen. It makes me really angry with myself and sometimes I can’t help but to think “what’s the point in even trying”. Anyways…… just need some love and support because I am really struggling out here.