Constant anxiety of dying and leaving my children behind

[Imuptoolate]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in parenting or mental health, just wondering if anyone has similar experience or advice…

I have two sons, age 4 and 1. I have always been extremely anxious about losing them and this manifests in different ways. When they were babies I was obsessive about doing everything I could to try and prevent SIDS. Now they’re mobile its obsession about keeping them safe near the road/water/stairs etc and I also worry about accidents every time we get in the car. With my 1 year old I worry about choking and still cut his food up tiny (he’s almost 2 so past the point it’s recommended to with some foods).

Recently my eldest son is going through a clingy stage and is crying and distraught whenever I leave him, whether it’s at nursery or just for a couple of hours to see a friend. If he knows I’m going out somewhere he dreads it for days beforehand and asks me constantly for details about what time I will be home, how long he will see me for befofe I go out etc. He says he wants mummy all the time and he cries even just talking about me leaving sometimes. He has always been very affectionate and loving and following me around everywhere type child, but at the moment more than usual. So now my anxiety is through the roof thinking what if I died and he was left without me.

The thought of it breaks my heart and every time I have to leave him I worry about something happening to me which stops me from returning to him. I am on edge every time I drive from his nursery to my work scared about having an accident that kills me. I worry about getting an illness that makes me die young. I even worry about an intruder coming to my work (I’m a teacher) and shooting me whilst he’s at nursery, which when typing it I know sounds ridiculous. I’m meant to be meeting a friend this weekend and it’s a two hour drive, it’s making me really anxious as he won’t be coming with me and what if I die on the motorway. Every night at the moment I’m going to bed full of anxiety and I can physically feel all of the nerves building up in my chest. I just don’t know what to do, I enjoy every moment I have with my boys and just never want us to be without each other.

I don’t really know what I want from this post, but thank you to anyone who has read this far.

You need to seek professional help and support. This will make you ill eventually and your child is likely being affected by this.

When and why did this anxiety begin? Was your mother the same? Echoing PP, you need help with this before you affect the children.

Kindly op, your children will be affected by this. They look to you as a role model of security and safety and learn from you how to be resilient (or not). Have you experienced trauma? Life comes with risk of course and that is heightened with the responsibility of motherhood, but your anxiety seems extreme. Cbt could help? If you feel it's more deep seated you might benefit from other forms of counselling or psychotherapy. Please try and curb this before you pass it onto your kids.

I thought you were going to say they had special needs and that’s a real worry as they get older as you wonder how your DC will cope and who will help them as adults. That is completely understandable.

Your situation isn’t that though and your reaction isn’t healthy or normal so best to seek some help as it could damage them and you.

I really relate to this OP and had / have some of the same fears. For me it has lessened considerably as DC have got older. Also keeping doing things helped as the more I stayed in the more anxious I got about going out. The separation anxiety does lessen. That said I think you should get some support as you do sound extremely anxious.

Thank you for your kind replies, I know it’s unhealthy but I guess I needed a bit of an outside perspective to really see it. I don’t let my anxiety stop me from taking the children out, I just internally get really worried. My eldest has always been clingy and my youngest isn’t bothered at all about me leaving so I don’t think my anxiety has rubbed off on them in that way. If anything it has made my eldest more safety aware which I don’t think is a bad thing.

To answer some of your questions, my mum was never an overly anxious person but my dad was and still is, especially concerning safety of himself and others. I’ve always been an anxious person and dreaded disaster from a young age. My mother would be the person I would go to for reassurance and to an extent she could help but I would always still have niggling worries or ‘what ifs’ in my mind. She passed away when I was in my early 20s, and my youngest sibling was still a child, so I do wonder if her loss has impacted me in that I know how it feels to have lost a parent relatively young (and seen it’s impact on my younger sibling) and don’t want my children to have to experience that.

my dad was and still is, especially concerning safety of himself and others

That, combined with losing your mum at a young age – which would have reinforced the beliefs instilled by your father – is most probably the root of your fears.

I’ve always been an anxious person and dreaded disaster from a young age.

We're only born with two inherent fears; loud noises and being dropped, so dreading disaster is something you learned, along with the anxiety (the debate about anxiety being inherited or learned rumbles on!).

The good news is that our feelings, our beliefs and our attitudes are not predetermined or set in stone; they can be changed.

Your children are already showing signs of anxiety, and that is likely from you. That needs to be your reason to seek help. Speak to your GP, they can refer you to various services. You deserve to not feel this way x