To accept I’m unlovable?

[SqB]

I’ve been through years of abuse. I broke free a few years ago, but despite intensive weekly therapy, I can’t imagine ever being able to start a new relationship. I feel completely unlovable still and just devastated at the thought of being alone, but the fear of more pain and rejection holds me back. I don’t know how to break free from this cycle.

By relationship, do you mean all relationships or just a sexual/partner one? I am getting on a bit and realise the latter won't happen, but friendships, colleague and neighbour interactions are still fruitful. And probably much less risky if you're suffering.

I'm sorry to hear this. I had quite a bad relationship some years ago and have been single a while. My advice is

1. lean into enjoying life as you are now - doing things you enjoy anyway (not waiting to have someone to do them with), treating yourself well etc. and

2. not thinking about starting a relationship, when the time is right think about it as starting a friendship with someone- aiming to be good platonic friends first for like a year and see if you get on before deciding to start a relationship with them. Go slow that's all but in the long term that doesn't matter.

OP the title and the body of this thread don’t match, and I think are a good indicator of where you need to focus. I don’t think ANYONE is ever unlovable! I think exploring that in therapy and focusing on yourself will make you feel better and more confident. Then. If someone does come along you’ll a) not accept poor treatment as readily and b) be the best version of yourself to be a partner.

I also think it’s worth remembering that not all romantic relationships are what they seem.

are you able to do some nice things for yourself?

Can you get any therapy? This all stems from childhood really, because when we’re children we assume everything is about us and we idolise our parents, because they’re literally like ‘gods’ to us - they provide all the means of our physical survival and safety.

The link to physical survival and safety means it becomes very scary to see parents for what they actually are - people who are flawed and unable to love us as we deserve. We idolise them and assume that all their flaws must actually be ours. And then we carry that pattern into adulthood and feel more drawn to very flawed people, because that’s what’s familiar to us.

It seems you might still have this worldview and might need some help shifting it and seeing your history more clearly. You’ll probably find you were surrounded by flawed people when you were little, and that actually there’s lots to love about yourself. It’s just a matter of finding sensible people (e.g. a therapist) who can help you see the situation more clearly, get in touch with your feelings and process them (e.g. get in touch with your anger about it, and direct it back where it belongs - not towards yourself) and begin to build a more accurate sense of yourself (e.g. a person who has some flaws, as we all do, but who is on the whole loveable and in some ways amazing).

I am in therapy but perhaps i need to think about refocusing what he and I talk about it.

I think I mean more romantic relationships, those are the ones I fear the most.

You are lovable and it is ok for you to be you, and to feel your feelings. Try not to push down how you feel, bring it all into the light. Then try and talk to yourself as you would do to a friend. You may feel a bit silly at first, but keep going. If you can access therapy that would be a good idea. Courage

Sorry I missed you were in therapy, yes definitely talk about those feelings of being worthless. It’s ok.

You don't ever have to have another romantic relationship, though. Those are not compulsory! The two options aren't 'alone' and 'in a romantic relationship', either -- you can surround yourself with good friends and other non-romantic relationships, so that you benefit from love and affection and respect. It doesn't sound as if you are in the right headspace to date, anyway, as you are still mid-recovery from abuse.

I wouldn’t even know how to be in a romantic relationship right now. I think the thought of never having that again makes me so sad, also resentful about the abuse I’ve endured.

I think I mean more romantic relationships, those are the ones I fear the most.

There will be deeper reasons that you got into unhelpful romantic relationships in the first place though. Then the unhelpful relationships have compounded your fears and now you fear more. Unless you get to the root causes it’s difficult to shift things.

I can’t find that reason though. How I’ve ended up repeating mistakes is still confusing for me. I’m feeling particularly sad today, so just going with that for now and not applying any pressure.

What kind of therapy are you having?

I just chat through things with him now, it is more maintenance to keep me sane and through the week.

It really sounds like a new, more focused therapy is needed, OP. Chatting through stuff can be a bit reassuring and keep you in the same place, but that's not enough, from your posts here.

I’m going to brave it this week and speak up about changing direction.

You may well need a new therapist and a new approach. The right therapist wouldn't let you tread water indefinitely, which is what this sounds like. What kind of therapy are you having?

I’m like you OP.

Out the other side of a long abusive relationship but find it impossible to even try new relationships even though I’m well aware of patterns, red flags etc.

I had the same therapist for many years but I was stuck in a rut towards the end and knew it was time to change, which is where I am now. The thought of building a new relationship with another therapist was too much, but I’m ready now. I need a fresh perspective.

Have you thought about switching?

It sounds like a total cliché, but learning to love yourself is the first step in overcoming this. It is actually hard to do. I remember when I started trying, I was given the task of saying 'I love you, Camino (Insert your own name here) ' three times before going to sleep and when waking up, either in my head or out loud. I found it so difficult it made me cry sometimes, because it felt so completely untrue. I was cringing with embarrassment, even though it was in my head! It felt so insincere and self-important and ridiculous. But I kept doing it. Then one day I suddenly realised that it was just quite a nice thing to hear. And after that it really sunk in. Now I can think it or say it and only feel affection. It really does change you. You can start to look after your health, your appearance, your diet, your finances. You can ring fence time for yourself and stand up politely for yourself so your needs are prioritised as much as anyone else's.

When we genuinely love ourselves - not in a narcissistic or selfish way, but in a caring and compassionate way, it shows and it is attractive to others. We become confident, happy, less needy. Our lives are more interesting because we allow ourselves to try new things, explore new places, make new friends, go on dates etc etc.

Have a go. There's lots of info online about how to develop self compassion, self-care and self love. But start with saying 'I love you SqB' three times morning and night. The harder you fnd it to do, the more you need to do it.