Feel myself dipping

[itsamazingimsane]

I’m not sure why I’m posting. Possibly self pity. Possibly seeking advice.

I’m so tired. And my usual strategies for keeping the dark at bay are too energy intensive right now.

I’m ruminating on things from my childhood. Nothing dreadful as far as I know, but a small part of me wonders if there’s something I’ve forgotten. What I know about is a self absorbed mother, a bullying brother, and a semi neglectful childhood that I think was probably typical of the 70s, but with a lot of criticism and a lack of love.

I feel like no one cares. I haven’t got anyone to tell. DH wouldn’t have a clue what to do. I don’t want to burden the adult kids.

I just want to go back to bed and never get up.
I won’t. I will go through the motions and at some point I won’t mind as much.

However. In the meantime I don’t know what to do. Go to GP and try medication? Get counselling/therapy to unpick past stuff?

I had very successful therapy in the past that helped me manage and gave me great strategies. But I have to stay on top of it all the time, and I can’t at the moment. I actually wish I had friends I could say things to, because I think I’d actually be able to work through it if I could stop swallowing it all.

Thank you for listening.

What about giving samaritans a call just so you can have a friendly chat and get it all out

Hey, sounds like some therapy would really help.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

a small part of me

That part is still trying to figure stuff out, not to hurt you but to make sense of why all that shit happened to you. There never will be a satisfactory answer and that part will stop once it knows that. There's lots of info on my AMA which might help you.

Thank you. I may try Samaritans one day for just that. I’d need to find somewhere private. DH works from home.

I’ll have a look, Eyes. I don’t think anything else actually happened. I know some things that did happen, and undermined my resilience. I know my mother wasn’t a loving nurturing kind of woman so I learned not to make a fuss. So emotionally neglected really.

I know why I was vulnerable to some things that did happen. I know I did my best in all the various situations.

I know it isn’t my fault that I’m struggling, and that I have worked damn hard at being ‘ok’.

I wonder if I’m ND. I’m supposed to be exceptionally intelligent (IQ150, for what that’s worth), and certainly haven’t lived up to that.

I’m just a bit confused and sad I guess. Thank you.

Trauma doesn't have to be the unspeakable, it's simply something that your mind couldn't make sense of at the time, and it's still struggling with it. As you say, you did your best and yet that still wasn't somehow good enough. It wasn't your fault.