To ask about your critical inner voice

[LibbyOTV]

I'm starting to realise how critical my inner voice is. Im generally a happy person and do yoga, meditation and therapy (though less regularly now) but have struggled a bit lately and suddenly realised this week that the critical inner voice in my head telling me I'm unlikeable, less fun, weird, annoying, should be like someone else etc, is almost constant at the moment (and perhaps has even my whole life). I see it in people, in their eyes, I tell it to myself.

Youd probably not know this to look at me or interact with me.

So my question is, what about your inner critic? How often are you thinking and talking negatively about yourself when you are interacting with people or looking in the mirror?

TBH never. I'm really not that interested in my inner world and don't have any questions about my purpose in life or who I am as a person - I think I look outwards all the time - life, people, relationships, etc are all far more interesting than whatever I might think about me and my mythical inner world. I definitely don't go in for any negative self talk - why do you think you are like this? What is it that you are worried about? You list:

unlikeable - is it that you think you don't have the close or meaningful friendships that you think other people have of that you would like? I enjoy conversations and time with other people but I'm very happy when I'm on my own - I definitely don't need other people - I don't depend on anyone for anything practical or emotional - I quite regularly go away for 5-7 days on my own (campervan) and I'm content if I don't see or speak to anyone although that rarely happens as I'm very happy to start up conversations with complete strangers. I suppose one of my fundamental ideas is that I'm more interested in adding to other peoples lives than subtracting - I'm not the sort that's inclined to dump any of my personal baggage on someone else's doorstep - I sort out my own problems in life.

less fun - than who? I have a couple of slightly zany, demonstrative, loud, confident friends who go round a room full of people like a honey bee pollinating flowers and... so what - we're all different. Do you mean less fun that the picture you have in your own mind about who you think you are or would like to be?

weird - well - tbh I tend to think the people I see using that word are teenagers - the over emotional, immature, rather self obsessed type - I find it a bit of a cliche. It's such an abstract term isn't it - it doesn't have a well defined meaning does it? Break it down into something more concrete - what do you actually mean?

annoying - give some examples. Maybe you are at times... but maybe you're not and it's all down to you thinking about yourself too much.

... I tell it to myself - this sounds like something to put your mind on - so why are you seemingly (imho) so self critical, self conscious and lacking in confidence?

I remember reading the first few pages of Charlotte Joko Becks - Everyday Zen - where she talks about her dog - who never worries about how he is perceived or whether he is achieving his full potential or making the most of life... or even if or when he will next get fed - he just enjoys life and play and people... she reflects that a lot of our problems - the human condition - are problems created in our own mind... and that - we could all learn a lot from how a dog experiences life.

I'd suggest you be open to talking things through with someone - and to think only in concrete terms - break down vague metaphors when you talk about things like being at the end of your tether, or in a dark place, or feeling depressed or anxious, or about bad mental health or whatever - break it down into what your real concerns are in simple, concrete, understandable terms - these might be the first steps to understanding and unlocking you from this (seemingly) negative self view imho.

I did 5 years of meditation classes and one of the things I got out of it was to realise that life is short - really, really short - (this was the so called "meditation on death") and that you can waste too much time thinking about yourself... I also remember some parable about a monk that was shot with an arrow - and they were asking "Who did this?" and "Why?" and the point (no pun intended) was that it was better to focus on getting the arrow out... and moving forward in life, not looking back or for explanations.

I find it helpful to give that voice a name and form. I call it the Poisonous Parrot, because it is repetitive and it perches on my shoulder, just where I can hear it but can’t see it. Sometimes I take that parrot off my shoulder, tell it “I’m not listening to you right now,” put it down somewhere, and walk away.

I know that the Poisonous Parrot has nothing good or helpful to say to me. Sometimes it comes from a place of anger, me angry at myself. Sometimes it thinks it’s supporting me, it thinks I need to know where I’m wrong so that I can improve. But it’s going about this the wrong way. Sometimes, often, it is depression, anxiety or exhaustion speaking. But it never has anything good or helpful to say. So I put it aside. Not angrily, just calmly and firmly. “Not now, Parrot.”

Depersonalising my unhelpful thoughts helps me to step away from them, especially when I’m in a state that makes me vulnerable to them.

Sometimes the Poisonous Parrot pops up with an intrusive, self-doubt comment, when I’m well and things are going well. Then I might challenge it, “What do you want, Parrot?” Which often shuts it up.

Maybe this sounds bonkers, but I find it helps.

In psychology I think they call these negative core beliefs. They can form in childhood or from negative experiences.

Having compassion for yourself and thinking of reparenting - what would a firm but loving parent say.
Or gently challenge - what evidence do you actually have for these voices being true (and not true).

Sometimes.

when I was going through peri and was very anxious it was almost always.

much less now.

This voice is often internalised in childhood from parents/wider environment and is a kind of survival mechanism. Sort of like 'if I criticise myself first, then I'll behave how I'm supposed to and no one else will judge or criticise or punish me'. I think it helps to view it this way - there is a developmental reason why we attack ourselves. Then you can remind yourself that now, in adulthood, this (hopefully) is no longer necessary or helpful. You are an adult and can navigate your relationships without that inner censor.

That's a brilliant explanation. Just to expand on it, sometimes your internal voice is working on the basis that that is the correct way to talk to you, because it's mimicking the way you were spoken to in childhood.

Another possibility – one I see in about 40% of people I work with – is that there's a part of your subconscious deliberately sabotaging your happiness. This is (almost) invariably because it absorbed the self hate from some event or belief in your past and is still berating you for it.

All of my work is directly with the inner voices – the subconscious mind. As per PP acknowledge what's being said but employ your logical mind to assess it for truth and relevance. And always treat yourself with kindness and compassion. If you beat yourself up, you just end up beaten.

I do have a critical inner voice, almost certainly installed by a critical mother and I am working on not allowing it to dominate. So when I find myself saying "Oh FGS Reacher, you stupid woman, how did you let that happen?" I try to correct it and say "no, you're not stupid, you made a mistake because you're human and these things happen." I'm trying to be kinder to myself and exercise more self compassion and this is part of that but it's a work in progress. Good explanation from @FigAboutTheRules and @Eyesopenwideawake

Hi OP,

I'm a therapist and working with the inner critical voice in one of my areas of interest. I have found it very common for people to have a negative inner relationship with themselves. I work with mums and guilt and self-criticism is really common for mums especially.

This negative inner voice also tends to put us in a very anxious state as well as knocking down our self confidence and holding us back in life. I practice a type of therapy called compassion focused therapy. I write alot about self-compassion on my blog and IG so you may find some of my content valuable (it’s mother.nurture.therapy) The general concept is that we can build a different way of relating to ourselves which has more understanding and care than the critical voice. By proactively building this voice up, over time it comes to outweigh the critical voice.

Wishing you all the best with tackling this. It is absolutely possible to relate to yourself in a different way and make your inner dialogue more supportive and enjoyable.

All the best,
Megan.

Hi everyone - thank you so much for taking the time to get back to me!

I really appreciate it and it's really interesting to hear your perspectives. I feel quite heard and also reflective of everything you've said. I'm hoping to actually sit down and have a think about all the questions you've asked.

Your critical inner voice is probably the best way to discover what your core beliefs are and to heal

If you suffer trauma through neglect/abuse as a baby/child you believe that you are going to die.
The anger/rage that you should direct at your parents/abuser, you internalise because you can't attack the only people who can keep you alive, ie your parents, so instead you direct it at yourself.

The trauma causes your brain/mind/psyche to split with one part being the self critical part and the other part being the normal part.
The critical part is trying to protect you by keeping you down/hidden/invisible as that strategy kept you safe from your abuser as a child.
Obviously this is counter productive as an adult but unwiring your brain is difficult and can only be achieved by understanding how/why it was wired that way in the first place.
It's better to think of the critical part as a protective construct rather than an enemy.
Obviously working through this with a psychotherapist is easier than doing it on your own.

This website helps to explain it
https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/