I think I'm bipolar

[Namechangedforprivacy1]

I've always suspected it but the last few years have been particularly bad and I've just lost an amazing man due to mania behaviour.

I have suffered depression since my teens (I'm now 40) and been on various medication over the years and have used alcohol as a crutch. The mania episodes started around 6 years ago but the last 3 have been worse, I shudder at the dangerous situations I've put myself in, I kind of want to confess them here as I've never told anyone before of what I've done.
My gp has referred me to a mental health specialist so hopefully I'll get some answers. My depressive periods get so low I can barely leave my bed.
Can anyone give me any insight or if I share my stories it might help me to let them out. Thank you

That’s good youre seeking help. It’s such an awful condition.

My ex was in a living hell, and made my life one too.

The good news is that he found the right prescription medication to help him - and continued to take it even when he thought he didnt need it - and changed completely. I hope you get what you need prescribed too and are happy.

Thank you

Is there anything you’re worried about or an experience you’d like to talk about?

@BuffetTheDietSlayersome of the things I've done in the last few years, sexual risks, scare me because when I've done this it's like I'm conscious and know what I'm doing but my brain thinks it's the most normal thing to do at the time. The man who broke up with me actually kept me quite stable but now he's gone I'm scared. I hope I get the right meds.

For example I drove out to a dogging spot 6 miles away and had sex with a stranger, I did that twice. That was 2 years and have no desire to do that again. Or I went to a naturist beach which was empty and got naked and went into the sea. I'm lucky I haven't been attacked! A couple of times I've gone to a nightclub on my own and danced until the early hours. Fucked up stuff!

You’d be hard pushed to find someone with bipolar that hasn’t done sexual stuff that’s out of character. Try not to feel bad, it’s very common and part of the illness.
Even if it’s not sexual stuff, most of us have displayed some pretty odd behaviours (When unwell I’m prone to laying on the ground outside in all weathers, in a sort of commune with nature)

Many of us don’t get diagnosed until we end up in hospital or arrested, so it’s good your GP is taking you seriously now, before things reach such a point.

@BuffetTheDietSlayerthank you. I've done that too, I've sat in the dark in my garden naked (no one could see me luckily) to be at one with nature.

Do you have bipolar? If so what was the process to get diagnosed once past the gp stage?

I also set up a pornhub account a few years again and posted pictures of myself without my face in. That's not me at all, when I'm in a relationship I'm not that crazy about sex and when single I don't seek it in my normal mind.

Well, at least you didn’t post face pics! If you do have bipolar disorder then medication can help you greatly. You’ll still get some ups and downs but it wont be as extreme if your medication is working.

Yes, I was diagnosed a few years ago.

The process after GP where I am involved a screening appointment with a mental health social worker and a couple of weeks later an assessment with a psychiatrist. Then a second psychiatrist appointment where I was told I have the condition and discussed medication to start. After medication was at the right dose I was then transferred back to GP. The process probably varies a bit by area though.

I don't know if you were on antidepressants for depression before OP but they can make bipolar disorder worse I think.

It's great that they're taking you seriously and the right meds will make a huge difference I'm sure. As pp mentioned it's really important to keep taking them even if you feel well. I don't think anyone would be shocked about you having bipolar disorder and doing the things you've done because it is extremely typical.

Hopefully telling your stories on here and not being judged will help you.

Thank you. I've never told a soul any of my mania stories, I'd be too ashamed. It's weird though because at the time it was so normal to me, like I'm not me but a very confident, fearless person. In "real life" I'm quiet, a bit shy and reserved.

I've done crazy stuff when manic so you aren't the only one op. A good psychiatrist, anti psychotic medication and mood stabilisers made a huge difference.

But is it in my head? I've always suspected it but not believed because I mask so well. But the situations I've got myself into are not normal and quite frankly dangerous. Then I go into an imaginational depression where I barely leave my bed.