Feel like I've made a mistake

[AnonymousTipper87]

Hi

My baby is approaching 3 months old and I'm starting to feel like I have made the biggest, irreversible mistake of my life by having a baby. I feel so much love for my him but there are times, that are becoming more and more often, where I genuinely hate my life. I initially coped really well with post partum life and knew that everything I was feeling during those first few weeks was completely normal. I enjoyed motherhood, the wake ups to feed felt like a blessing and I really thought that this was what I was meant to do.
However over the past two weeks I've started to spiral. My baby is feeding every 2 hours and I'm EFB, he has suspected CMPA so sometimes it takes 20-30 minutes to settle and then I'm drifting off when he wakes up again. I'm having to give up all diary products which is upsetting me but I do not want to give formula of any kind. I am the first of my friends to have a baby and starting to feel very alone as the only people I know who've had kids are my parents and that was 30+ years ago. People want to visit all the time to see my son and we have at least two visitors a weekday minimum. I'm tired of small talk and of people wanting to hold my baby who has become extra fussy when he isn't with me. I've become obsessed with having my house spotless when people come to visit and spend any given moment when my baby does sleep trying to clean things that people won't even see.
I'm resenting my husband who is the most amazing man on earth to me, because he can leave the house and go to work.
I feel I'm losing all my freedom. I feel like my friendships have changed and I miss my friends who will never get what I mean until they have their own babies. I've joined a mum group which starts next month but Im scared to make friends. I'm wondering at this stage if I'm experiencing some sort of post partum depression but I'm afraid to admit how I feel to anyone other than my husband who has told me that a lot of what I feel is normal... But is it?
Sometimes I can't be bothered to even speak to my baby and then I feel guilty that I'm not an all singing all dancing mum. Sometimes I visualise myself running away and not coming back.

That could well be depression so I think you should speak to your midwife - you posting here says you are worried and I trust you

it can be very hard - I have a distinct memory of singing in a sweet sing song voice words like “ will you just go to sleep you horrid horrible nasty thing”

and friends - yes it can be so lonely too

it does get better - my child wasn’t scarred because they recognise the tone not the words thankfully - this period is so short and lasts a lifetime

seek help and hugs

It will get better. The fact you feel you needed to post means you care and love your baby. Tell the visitors not to come. Relax at home for a while, hang out with your baby in comfy clothes and don't tidy all the time. You have been through a lot! Ask your husband for help. Eat some comforting food. You got this! However, I mean this for your own sanity, try goat milk formula, I didn't have enough breast milk so used that. Its very good. Get it in supermarkets.

Honestly i felt the same after having my son. It does get better when they start sleeping more, anti depressants helped A LOT, and switching to formular saved my sanity. You don't have to accept guests all the time, you have to learn to say no. It will get easier though, hang in there.

I would stop breastfeeding. Formula isn’t bad. If it helps get your mental health on track then it’s the right thing to do. I BF all four of my children but the youngest two were formula fed from quite early on for various reasons.

I can’t offer any insight on post natal depression, though I would say follow your instincts there and reach out to your midwife.

What I will say is that these early months are so difficult, it was just me and DC for my maternity leave and I couldn’t do anything, opposite to your situation my house standards went down as I couldn’t get to everything. I hated it, I also really struggled to recover physically and felt that regret on and off a lot for the first year. I promise you it will get better! Your baby will start giving more back to you, they will start hitting milestones and bit by bit it gets easier. I’m three years down the road and my DC is my world. And I’m not a typically “mummy” type, always terrified of kids before having my own etc… life has changed beyond recognition but I have reconciled that now and I do now occasionally get to go out and do the things I love.

You will get there ❤️

I found giving up breastfeeding and moving to just formula made the world of difference. I felt like I got a bit part of my day/life back
it took a lot of the pressure off and I could enjoy things rather than feeling like it consumed my whole day

my mental state after improved massively
felt guilty to begin with
But felt so much better after

It may just be sleep deprivation and also lack of alone time!

It definitely gets better, motherhood, particularly in the early stages (0-1) can be the most stressful time of your life. I always remember those times as feeling like a zombie, surviving on 2 hours sleep a night. So much so that I developed brain zaps due to decreasing MH/anxiety etc caused by sleep deprivation and stress.
If you don't feel like this is just a whim (I wasn't depressed or anything and didn't feel it) then I would definitely speak to your health visitor about it as they have some great services they can refer you on to. I EBF as-well and you just feel like a milk machine constantly, it's very difficult.
You are doing the right thing by reaching out on here, as often it's not addressing the issue that causes you to decline and spiral.
Groups may help, as you will feel less isolated. Once they become a little more independent it gets easier. Newborn stages for me were the most difficult.

I felt exactly the same as you describe when dd was a baby, including wanting to run away. I was diagnosed with pnd but also with an underactive thyroid which is common after pregnancy and can also cause low mood. So meds and some counselling they sent me for did help. I continued to ebf.

So I strongly suggest you go to your GP and they should test for iron deficiency too. But generally things do get much easier over time.

I felt like I’d completely lost myself and my identity but over time you forge a new identity which includes being a mother and you become comfortable with that. It’s such a seismic change. Now of course I have the best dd in the world and can’t imagine life without her. Give yourself a break also, allow yourself to know you are doing fine at this parenthood thing. There is a lot of pressure and it’s easy to think you are not doing it right but you will do it your own way. You will be ok but it sounds like you need a bit more support.

Don't be a martyr about breastfeeding over your mental health Baby will benefit from what you've done so far.

I do agree with this. I’m not saying do or don’t but do what is right for you. Mum’s wellbeing is obviously very important for baby.

Hi OP,

I can hear what a tough time you are having at the moment, so many challenges on your plate.

I'm a therapist who works with new mums and what you have shared is very common. It's just often not spoken about as people are often worried about how others will see them. Having mixed feelings about being a mum is normal. Even though you have that love for your baby, you have also lost so much of what you used to love (even if only temporarily). Postpartum can be a huge adjustment period and there can be a real grief for what has changed. Also, we often arn't able to access the same coping mechanisms which helped us pre-baby. There can be such mixed and strong emotions that come up to make sense of, it's really not an easy adjusment. And to add on top of that a lack of sleep....which just plays havok with our mood and resilience making everything even more challenging.

I talk alot about the value of self-compassion for new mums, which is learning to relate to yourself with the same understanding and care that you often would a friend. This can be really valuable in supporting yourself through the challenges that come up postpartum. For example, with the guilt you are feeling about not being an all singing all dancing mum all the time, developing self-compassion could help you to recognise how hard you are trying and how well you are doing in such a demanding time. Motherhood is so tiring and we are all human and have natural limitations.

I post on IG about alot of this stuff and also have some blogs that might be valuable to you. My handle is mother.nurture.therapy. I hope it can be of some value and I wish you all the best as you navigate these really demanding times, Megan.

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to pop back here and say thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. I have read through these posts a few times and they've really helped me. Its been a tough few weeks but I feel I'm starting to get better.

In regards to breastfeeding, my mum said the same and I did get some formula, however my son hasn't taken well to this as he has a suspected cows milk protein allergy and has not liked the specialist formula prescribed. I have a few more weeks of being dairy free and then I can try normal formula to see how he reacts. Maybe I will combi feed.

It pains me to read my OP. I spoke to my GP who was supportive and suggested anti depressants however I have not taken them yet. My days seem to be getting better. My son is so much happier now and although not sleeping amazing I do feel more rested. I've been taking walks in the days where it's not raining and have booked onto some mum and baby groups which I feel is a great step. I've made a list of little things that make me feel like me and I do one thing a day for myself.

Thank you again for your kindness. I didn't want you to think I've ignored you all. Your words helped me. Thanks mums 🩵