Could I have done better?

[GrammaGalore]

I raised 5 children. The younger 2 both have been diagnoised with BPD, depression and social anxiety. One of them no longer talks to us. She mixes her meds with 'other' things, but she's functional. Problem is she's rewritten her family history - all of which has now painted us as absuive, or neglectful. The younger one can be stable if she stays on her meds. When she 'mixes' her meds or just decides to go off them, it can be a nightmare. When she is 'spiraling' she removes any access to her children for months at a time. Just wondering if and how others deal with this.

Our older three are each emotionally stable ..and we have a great relationship with them. But I find myself struggling with wanting ot focus on the two who have mental health issues. I wrestle with whether I was a good enough mom when they were younger. Did i miss something? Could I have gotten them help sooner? ( They are both adults now in the mid to late thirties.) ...

My oldest three talked with us after the latest mental health crisis in the younger two, and said they were tired of 'me' putting all my emotional energy into the younger two. I'm trying to find a balance - honor my older three, who will no longer have anything to do with the younger two. So my question is.. does anyone else deal with this? And how do you balance all this? I can't shut my heart off, but I do hear the cry in my older three's hearts...

Could you have done better? Yes, probably. Show me a parent who has managed to get everything right.

Did you do your best with the capacity and resources that you had at the time? Only you can answer that, but it's very likely that you did.

I only have one child, so can't really advise on how to balance the needs of your different children. Five is a lot to juggle and perhaps you need to do more to manage all of their expectations. I understand the older ones feeling aggrieved that the needier younger ones are demanding too much of your attention, and it's fair enough for them to feel that way. But equally, it might be fair enough for you to be focused on the needier two if that's what you need to do to keep them safe. Not sure how this works if one of them isn't talking to you though?

It's natural to second guess what part you may or may not have had in all of this, but ultimately, I'm not sure that it's very helpful. Listen to what your kids are telling you about the past, but make your own focus on managing relationships in the present. And try not to neglect the "healthy" ones... you are still their mum too.

I can only comment from a limited perspective but I would say not speaking negatively about any of your children to each other and finding a therapist for you.

First child - leave her be, door is always open, send cards at birthday or christmas, if she heals and comes back, don't hold it against her.

Second child - as long as they are safe, let it be.

Don't pick up as many balls for them but teach them to access support themselves - have a chat to Mind.

Agree with the first paragraph!

I have struggled with MH and my mum has shared what I have told her with my siblings which has made me annoyed / upset and I will not open up to her in the future .

I am one of 3 - all had same upbringing . Just I have issues .

Cut yourself some slack

Thanks for that encouragement. We did it wrong at first and dud share with the siblings some things but stopped - it has made it easier for the siblings to get together. At first we thought we were helping them understand their siblings but quickly realized we needed to be very selective of what we shared - if anything.