Sadness about future loneliness draining me

[Strawberriesandpears]

I am at a loss as to what to do with myself. I am suffering from depression and I think it is all linked to my fear of future loneliness. I am an only child. I have no children or extended family. I am constantly worried that one day I will be all alone in the world.

It's draining me. Draining any colour from my life. Even when I am doing nice things, it's like a constant cloud over me blocking any sunshine. One day that cloud will probably burst and I will be soaked in freezing cold rain. There is no support network. I have no umbrella to help keep me dry. Instead that icy cold rain will hammer down hard on me.

I don't know what I am looking for really. These are my life circumstances. I can't change them. I just wish I could, and that I could enjoy some warm sunshine again.

I get it OP. I’ve been single most of my life and I’m mid 50s now. I haven’t been in a relationship in over a decade and the few I had have only been a few years long.

I find that even when I’m laughing, and having “fun” with friends or my DD there’s still this pit of sadness and loneliness within me. It overshadows any kind of joy or happiness that I experience.

I know that I will never be in another relationship, I’m no longer semi attractive, plus I never tend to meet anyone that is mutually attracted to me. So I know that the rest of my days will be alone, and no matter how hard or much that I laugh I will always be sad & lonely deep down.

Also single, no kids and very small family. Sending huge hugs to you both. And strongly recommending two books - The Untethered Soul and Radical Acceptance

Im sorry you are dealing with this @Strawberriesandpears . Would you consider speaking to your doctor about how you feel? It won't solve everything but may be a good first step. Also you said you can't change your life circumstances, is there anything at all you can change? I believe that just because any of us is lonely now, the future isn't set in stone. I'm someone who tends to think very far ahead also but save had to take things one day at a time as that's all any of us have. Hope you have been kind to yourself today

It’s the depression talking. I think I’ve read one of your previous posts too. Please seek help, speak to your doctor. I too am an only child, have limited extended family and an elderly mother, I understand how you feel. There are more of us around than you think. I’m here, should you ever wish to chat, just take one day at a time.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I am sorry it has taken a while to come back - I have been really struggling these last couple of days.

@DirtyBird Thank you. I hope you find happiness. I am sure you are at least semi attractive! However even if you do feel very self conscious in that area, sometimes people are attracted by personality rather than looks?

@TibetanTea Thank you. I am sorry you are experiencing this too. I will check out those books, thank you. Wishing you all the best.

@luckynumber111 Thank you for your kind message. I did speak to a doctor a couple of years ago. I felt like I was wasting her time though (not that she made me feel like that - it was just my own feeling). I was prescribed medication which I took for a while, but it didn't help. I'm not really sure what I can change about my life. I am trying to make more friends, but it is hard. There are only a limited number of people i this situation. Most have family which they prioritise.

@PinkBouquet Thank you for your kind message too. I am sorry you are in this situation too. You are right, whilst it is relatively uncommon, there are actually a good few of us about. Thank you for the offer of a chat. I may take you up on that.

Depression does make it hard to see any happiness in the future and it does this for every sufferer regardless of their home circumstances. They could have a wide circle of friends and lots of family around and still the future would look bleak to them - it is the depression talking. Would it be possible to speak to your GP about this?

My OH died 5 years ago and I have had to adapt to living on my own. Whilst it has not been easy I have found a way forward. But it needs determination - and that is hard to find when you are depressed, which is why you need help.

ah man i feel you. I'm similar, i live alone, an only child with no kids, i have a partner who is older and my parents, that's it, pretty much. I had this sudden realisation about 10 years ago that my future looked pretty bleak and it was extremely scary and upsetting. The only person i can talk to about this is my partner and no matter what he says it doesn't solve the issue i have of my potentially bleak future.

However, that hasn't happened yet and i am now holding on to the things that are positive and good in my life as much as i can. I will never have a big family ( or any family in fact) but i'm going to live this life the best i can and see where the hell it takes me. The main thing to know is you are absolutely not alone in feeling like this, there are thousands of us out there who feel the same, we just never get talked about or represented anywhere.

I am sorry you are in the same position. I know what you mean about it suddenly hitting you. The same happened to me. It was few years ago, I suddenly had this vision of myself as an elderly person with no family and it has literally haunted every second of every day since. It's broken me down to the point of severe depression. There are physical symptoms now too. I have developed digestive issues from the constant anxiety.

In theory, I am still possibly young enough to have a child, but I don't want to bring another soul into the world to suffer this lonely fate.

I often sit and ponder what life has been all about. I was a good child and young adult. I did what I thought was 'right' but I didn't see this coming, and for that I feel a fool.

Your positive attitude to things is what I should try to adopt. But as you say, it's so hard to take the fear and upset away.

Wishing you all the best. Neither of us deserve to be in this position.

The same reason I didn't have kids really, couldn't bare the thought of passing on my family history of depression and no family to some poor soul. I truly believe you can find happiness and love and fulfilment in your life it just might not come in the same form as what society tells us ( all the blooming time).

OP - what is your life like day to day? Do you work?

I do. I have an office job. It's not a big office. I have a couple of friends I have made there. Some days can be a bit lonely though. My mind often wanders whilst I am working, but I generally make a good job of what I do, I think.

Thank you. I really hope so. Sometimes I do have a glimmer of hope! It is really hard though living in a world where most people have children, siblings or both. And extended family too.

I wonder if you’d get some satisfaction out of work training/upskilling, an evening course or similar? Some people like to have a purpose or a feeling of working towards something, and something to do with your role might suit you? Apologies if that is off the mark.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I am too. I’m single and have no children and struggle a lot with my mental health and feelings of loneliness. I do have some family but I’m not at all close to them either emotionally or geographically. I do have some close friends but understandably they’re busy with their own families and partners. I also have visions of myself being old and alone and I do worry I could easily die and not be found for days, only my workplace would realise and I’m a teacher so I do worry in school holidays or anything happens to me.

That's a good suggestion thank you. I don't think I would want to do anything work related, but maybe hobby related.

I am sorry you are in this position too. I'd like to increase the number of friends I have, and it would be especially good to find people in a similar situation l, but it is hard.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Depression and anxiety are awful.

I have noticed though you have posted about this on numerous occasions. I'm not downplaying your feelings but you're stuck in this constant loop of wanting reassurance, then getting reassurance however all this does is strengthen your anxiety and then you're back looking for reassurance. If you google OCD reassurance loop it can explain more but I think until you get some proper professional input into breaking this thought cycle, things aren't going to improve for you as it'll just be people will offer you advice and you'll be back in a few months needing advice again.

A lot of your posts are contradictory. You go on about being completely alone but then you say you have a partner. You say you have no extended family but then speak about aunties, uncles and cousins. You say you have no support network but then say you have close friends. I've worked with countless older adults who have children, grandchildren and extended family and they still suffer from loneliness and days without speaking to anyone.

Honestly the problem isn't your lack of family but your mindset which is stuck in this reassurance loop and has been for years and is preventing you from actually making positive changes because you have this self limiting belief that only siblings and children can save you from a life of loneliness.

The only person who have the power to change all this is you and I sincerely hope you do.

And again on self limiting beliefs. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having children and people who don't have children live happy, full and rich lives your only reason for not having children is they will lead a lonely life.

I think you need to challenge this belief. How many adults do you know that honestly have close relationships with their cousins. I know barely any. I also know plenty people who aren't close to their siblings. You need to look at what evidence that your child will be lonely. You say a lot of loneliness is down to the fact your parents were insular and didn't have family friends but this could be different for you. Your sibling will have school and nursery friends, friends from hobbies, university friends, work colleagues. They could meet someone and have in-laws, have children of their own and then form friendships with parents of children.

You're projecting your own unhappiness onto that of a child. As I said not having a child is absolutely fine but from what you say, you need to challenge your own beliefs on this

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this op. When you mentioned your world was grey it made me think of depression. I know you mentioned seeing a doctor in the past, but maybe you could try to see a new one. You don't deserve to feel like this and it may make a difference to just sit down and hash it all out with someone. I tend to catastrophise about the future too, but have lost so many people many who didn't even make it to 50, that it made me realise the now is all we have any control over. Take care of yourself