Hello
I don’t know who to talk to but I feel like I’m falling apart. I despise my life, I know I should be grateful for everything I have etc but it just feels like this never ending cycle of upset and pain and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Ive been through and incredibly hard few years and am now in a situation where my 2 children live with me 100% of the time due to their dad being a safeguarding risk. I’m so angry at him for being so selfish and putting me in this position, I’m exhausted from working and doing absolutely everything else. My partner works away and I hate him for it as he gets a break from this. I have no family round me and my friend circle is small.
My son is 12 and is quite frankly selfish, he doesn’t think of anyone but himself, he blames me for everything that goes wrong, and is lazy, I know I need to put clear boundaries in place and stick to them etc but I’m exhausted, and when he argues etc I quite often back down as I don’t have the energy to contend with him. He thinks his dad is wonderful and whilst I know it absolutely isn’t my place to make him think any different, all I want to do is scream that the man is a turd, he puts drugs before his kids, never interested in parents evening, doctors, dentist, never takes them away, never sorts haircuts or anything at all, but because he takes him fishing once a week he’s great, and meanwhile the person that’s running around doing all of these things, along with keeping him safe and loved and clothed and fed etc, barely gets noticed. I didn’t sign up to this life, I had children with a man I loved and even when that deteriorated, I thought he would still be a good dad, not a complete liability.
the amount of times I’ve thought of just not doing it anymore, that there is an easy way to stop this pain is quite astounding. I’m not even scared for me, for me it would probably be the best thing, but not for my children, they need me here as they already have one parent who doesn’t put them first, so I’m trapped, living in a world I don’t want to live in!