Advice - why do I react like this

[Earthgirl91]

Hello
My first time posting on here but I've had this feeling for a while and I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel so guilty and awful that I even feel like this. I love my eldest daughter, I am so proud of who she is and would do anything for her however when she wants comfort and cuddles for some reason I feel my body reeling from it. It wasn't like this at all when she was younger, I had a second daughter when my eldest was 5 and had awful mum guilt about it afterwards wondering what I had done but that did go. My eldest is now nearly 9 and has always suffered with night time anxiety but when I want to just comfort her and help her I just seem to instantly feel annoyed by it and want her to "snap out of it". She is very affectionate and loving and I just feel awful. I'm not like it with my youngest so I don't understand why this seems to be happening. I feel so so terrible as a mother so feel like I can't speak to those close to me about it. Has anyone else ever experienced this?? Just even her touching me just seems to make me so irritated and want to pull away it's awful, I feel so guilty but just can't seem to stop this feeling :(

What was your mum like?

Can you connect this to anything in your past? Your childhood? It sounds like it’s triggering you. You’re doing well to be aware of it and trying to understand it.

Response to eyesopenwideawake when looking back at my childhood my mum was very present, loving and brought all the magic to everything. Dad was strict, worked away a lot and I guess controlling. Should add to post my eldest has a different dad to my now husband and youngest daughter. My eldest daughters "dad" (he has not been in her life since she was 2) was mentally and physically abusive for years and my parents actually didn't speak to me for two years due to me being with him. I guess this could be some trauma but this situation hadn't been the case for at least the first 5 years old my daughters life. I feel absolutely awful about it, I'm hoping maybe even just getting it out there off my chest might help in some way!

I would start to build up some exposure with your DD. Time spent together - cuddling on sofa, putting temporary tattoos on each other, doing her hair really nicely - positive physical touch exposure and also emotional exposure. There Could be loads of reasons you feel the way you do but ultimately you want to change so start building in different behaviours consciously. If she has a different dad who isn’t about, and her siblings dad is part of a unit with you and other DC you don’t want her to feel separate. I’m sure you don’t intend that in any way but as someone who works with children from a mental health perspective I’m often humbled by how perceptive they are about family dynamics.

How does your eldest 'fit' with you, dh and youngest dd?
Is it a family of 3 +1? How long were you with dh before youngest came along? So eldest is 8, youngest 5 so she was 2 when you were pregnant?

Yes I think this is why I'm worried about it as I'm very conscious of how she may feel, I don't want it to be like this obviously so then I'm feeling even more guilty of doing damage. It is very much a family of 4, she sees my husband as her Dad, they are very close and her sister is her favourite person. So she's 8 almost 9 and her sister is 3. Obviously sister still needing a lot of attention and I am conscious of that. I did have a trip to theatre last week just myself and my eldest to have some 1:1 time with her which was nice. I think we both find it hard sometimes when it was just me and her for first 3 and half years of her life (met my husband when she was 3 and a half).
Just feeling awful about it and hoping it will change.