Feeling so much all at once. Ashamed, angry, trapped, guilty, desperate, confused, impotent. Venting here to get it out.
Previous, lengthy post about sister.
Mum had a fall the day after and is in hospital. Now having to have contact to organise care. I just can't escape her. I hadn't got to the end of thinking things through before I'm back having to deal with her again. She's all smiles, no mention of the outburst, certainly no apology, all chummy chummy and I immediately find myself trying to do loads for mum and dad to fend off future screams about what I've not done or done wrong. Then I realise this is pointless, as she'll scream at me about something no matter what I do or don't do.
Hospital visits are bringing a lot up. Feel really angry at my parents, not totally sure why at first. They've been ignoring their care needs so think it could be that, but don't think that's uncommon amongst elderly people, and can understand it. So what is it?
I was hospitalised last year with what turned out to be sepsis. My husband was appalling. Wouldn't take me to hospital when I was very obviously very ill. Was shouting and angry at me. Awful experience. Ended up in hospital next day, kidneys failed, Dr's calling it gastroenteritis. Poor NHS care, awful experience with husband. Use MN to vent. Responses are that husband is abusive. I'm spiralling mentally with this as the sepsis hasn't been diagnosed so not treated. I'm very ill, I know it, but care is uncaring, husband continues to ignore how wrong he got it and seems angry at me for even being in hospital. 2 year old confused, which makes me so distraught.
Only in hindsight, as focus mainly on feeling so awful and how awful husband was, parents didn't contact me all the way through week long hospital stay. Same parents who are now expecting me to be at their beck and call, being rude into the bargain, and pay lip service to the fact I have a preschooler to look after, but still want me to go over and sort stuff which is 2 hour round trip (along with siblings to be fair). I called my mum towards the end of my hospital stay as fears and upset at husband and state of vulnerability we're really impacting me. She was sympathetic on that call. Next day on discharge I get a call from her telling me father says just go home to husband. I felt so alone in the world, I can't even begin to describe the feeling. Sepsis still not diagnosed at this point, so not treated. I've since tried to rationalise that as still being very physically unwell and therefore unable to cope as normal mentally.
After a day at home, blood culture comes back and hospital call me back. The 24 hours with husband had been awful, I try to address his behaviour, calmly. He won't and any attempt to ask why that happened angers him. I'm so weak still, legs buckling under me, MH wavering, and no resolution. I start to spiral, badly. He's abusive, MN says so, has everything in our life together been a lie? Whole world is shifting beneath my feet. I call my sister who comes to hospital with me. I tell her all about husband, I show her MN posts, I'm struggling to understand anything and want help. She seems great, advocates for me at the hospital and leaves me there for the start of the treatment for sepsis. Turns out she notes down my username, goes home trawls through my posts and finds one where I'm asking advice about a previous situation involving her. She sends a message telling me what an awful person I am for doing this to her (keeps repeating 'on a public forum'. She only knows it's her because she took my details) and refuses to help, go back to your husband.
Which I do, because I'm still so ill and have a 2 year old and nowhere else to go. To be fair she was still around in the coming days, insisted on taking my son overnight one night as I got terrible insomnia and had a brief period of what I'd now describe as psychosis, convinced he was going to try and kill me, in league with our GP. This is nothing I've ever experienced before and is absolutely terrifying. Parents know nothing of it, sister does. Throws it back at me is the outburst last week as an add on to the issue she decided to bring up on our night out.
So, with all the above swirling, I end up shouting at husband today. Something trivial, but his tone is the same not accepting he's got something wrong, doubling down on it. It makes me angry, either I ignore and let him get away with it over and over again, or i point it out. As I did, calmly. But he won't have it, not a nice tone. I snap and bringing up everything about last year. Awful row, I'm awful, say terrible things, even lash out at him, which is unforgivable. I know it's so wrong. But he is blaming me, again, for everything I bring up. He will never accept he acted badly last year. I can't have any trust in him because of that. So here I am, a week after my sister screams at me, screaming at him. I hate this, I hate I can't have conversations with people in my life that achieve resolutions. It's either brush things under the carpet or rage. It's incredibly unhealthy and I'm doing it too, I'm the problem as much as anyone.
Either I do something positive and proactive to change things or I apologise, to him, tacitly to sister by not pulling her up (which wouldn't result in any kind of resolution) and my life will carry on like this, forever. And that will impact my child's life. I don't know where to start, just that I need to.