Please help! My house is a disaster and cannot move a finger to clean or tidy up.

[alua2008]

Sorry for what appears to be a shallow cry. Let me explain myself.
I am 52 years old, mum of 3 boys of 14, 13 and 10, husband and dog.
Since I had my 3rd child from postnatal dep. it developed to PMDD. I´ve been on antidepressants for almost 10 years and while fighting the sickness my house has been always an embarrasment. The point where when we were locked down for Covid was when I felt more relaxed as I didnt dread the visit of anyone.
My children cannot bring anyone to stay as rooms are in state. And when we had family we clean the quickest and possible for the occasion.
The thing is that now children are a big older and it should be easy to keep a bit of order, but I am not bothered to move a finger. I cannot stand to clean anything. I have tried all, flylady, adhd planning, redecorating... I do not know what it is wrong with me. It is not that I lack energy, it is more in my brain. The only thing I want to do is knitting. I can spend days in my bed just knitting. I manage to be on top of clean clothes for the children and husband and shopping but my living room is always full of cloths drying or waiting to be folded and always something easy to cook for dinner. It got to the point that I stop looking after myself. I force myself to brushed my teeth and get dressed hiding in leggings and baggy cloths (of course i am overweight so not very proud of my body) to be able to drive my youngest to school. But I could neglect to wash my hair or even having a shower. Obviously this has affected my life, my social life barely exists and when I have a commitment to attend it is really an struggle. But I´ve been suffering this for sooo long that I have got used to. To the point that my life has become much more limited.
Recently I have heard of treatments of testosterone and I would like to know if someone that has suffered something similar and tried it can give some advice.
As per my GP, he just think I´ve got depression and I need antidep. I have try five types in all this time. Husband thinks we should have a different doc but I cannot get myself to reach for help or look for alternatives. Its like living in a constant lethargy.

Thanks for reading me.
Alua

Could you possibly try a more activating antidepressant. I am on Vortioxetine ( Brintellix). I find it motivates me more than say Lexapro which almost stopped me doing most anything. Just a thought for you my friend.
I truly understand about knitting because l spend a lot of time crocheting and l think that it is the rythym and hand/mind coordinating that really helps. Knitting is so good for you. Keep it up. Well done for knitting and me too with my crochet. 👍👍

Well I’d ask why your husband and kids can’t pitch in for starters.
Then maybe bribe yourself with knitting - eg fold and put away clothes = 45 minutes knitting
wash all dishes = 25 minutes knitting
shower and wash hair = 1 hour knitting

or something along those lines?

Maybe do an online consultation with your GP - easier than phoning for an appointment. Ask to discuss alternative medication, tests eg iron,thyroid, menopause?

Have you been assessed for ADHD? You mentioned ADHD in your post but then talked about testosterone treatments rather than ADHD medication.

The only thing that helped me (before ADHD medication) was Dana K white aka A Slob Comes Clean.

You've learnt that the sky isn't going to fall in if you do nothing so, in your own words, you've got used to it. Knitting brings you joy, cleaning and self care doesn't. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but until there's some real incentive to change why would you? You could try asking your husband to remove all your knitting equipment until you do X, Y, or Z but that's not fair on him (or you).

Could you get a cleaner in maybe twice a week for a couple of hours? You could ask your DH and DC to all pitch in with you for 2 hours on Sunday morning tidying so a cleaner can clean when they get there. You could reward yourself with new wool for knitting.

What ADs have you tried. PP mentioned vortioxetine. My psychiatrist said this one helps with focus and motivation. The other one that I find helps with focus and motivation is citalopram or escitalopram. Sertraline absolutely killed my focus and motivation.

Thank you all for your time and your messages. I know the answer is within me, and everything you suggest makes sense. I think (and its actually difficult to think clearly nowdays for me) that its not just one big factor, but many little ones at the same time. I appreciate that life for women mainly at this age, suffering from peri or menopause, with adolescent children or even much more complex family logistics, its not easy. I need to talk to my GP about changing my ADs but someone mentioned escitalopram and I have been on them for years before Citalopram, Sertraline and Fluoxetine. I started having them because I could be a demon at home and I didn't want to my children or husband to remember me that way. Defo they helped with the mood and anger but in return they affect my estamina (I used to wake up before 5am to go to the gym as always I loved strength training) going on holidays it seems I just want to be laying down sunbathing with a book but before I really cherished that time playing tennis, biking etc with my children. And lets not talk about sexual life. One of the reasons I changed between ADs was the impossibility to have an orgasm (sorry for TMI) which was a big impact in our relationship. I dont know but I feel, apart of the sluggishness about the house, ADs have been taking the life of me and that at my 50 I feel and want to do things as I am 70 and thats not right. I mentioned the testosterone treatment as it seems popular for what it migh be another fad or if someone has tried and it has help them. I believe if I can recover that oomph I can recover the control and follow your advice. I just need that. Thank you again for reading me. Just to be able to talk to people that understand makes a huge reflexion to me.

Random question op but do you snore? Wake up much in the night? I only ask cos you sound like me, and a diagnosis of sleep apnea has changed everything for me. It's small steps but the change was immediate once I started treatment

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I do agree with pp, it’s worth exploring other causes for this, such as sleep apnoea and ADHD. I used to be almost catatonic on my days off, too drained to move. Diagnosis of ADHD and meds has made me feel like a totally different woman.
Couple of books that may help- How to keep house while drowning and Dirty Laundry by Rich and Rox Pink. The latter is written by the couple who are content creators of ADHD_love. She has ADHD, he’s probably autistic. They talk about the struggles and shame around housework and organisation, but also provide advice on how to turn things around. ‘Body doubling’ is key. It’s the concept that many people find it easier to do tasks if someone else supports, even if that other person isn’t doing the same!
On the basis of that, they’ve built an app called ‘dubbii’. The app has guided videos on how to do tasks. You get virtual badges when you’ve done them. People using the app also asked for live sessions, now every 3 hours there is an hour live hosted session. Host talks, other participants are muted. I cannot recommend this highly enough. It’s a community of people who find tasks tough, joining in together. It’s a kind and caring space. You can download the app and use one video for free. The app is £5 a month or £30 for a year. I signed up for one month to see if I’d use it. Then I signed up for the year. I do lives on average twice a day, also use the videos. Please consider trying it. It’s been so awesome for me and many others.

This was me before ADHD treatment

Agree you need to request an assessment for ADHD if that looks likely. If it is ADHD then ADs wouldn’t be expected to be wholly effective. And are you on HRT?

You don’t mention what your DH does about all this? It sounds like the responsibility for all of this is down to you. If he is not struggling with similar issues then surely he can have some impact? Body doubling is often helpful with ADHD - you both work on laundry/cleaning at the same time, providing focus and motivation for you.

What was your treatment? Meds or therapy?

What's stopping your husband stepping up?

And your kids? Give them some black bags and tell them to go through their clothes and bag up the ones they don't use for whatever reason. Sometimes all it takes is to make a start.

Go on ADHDuk and navigate to the right to choose section. Under there you will see a complete range of providers that will do ADHD assessments - these are private clinics that have contracts with the nhs, read through and make sure to select one that says with medication even if your gp refuse shared care, they will continue to prescribe at the nhs cost. If you go through your local nhs service you will be put onto a waitlist of 7+ years. Right to choose will be significantly quicker. I was on the nhs local waitlist for 3 years before I went through right to choose end of Jan. By May I was diagnosed and by June I had medication and it has changed my life beyond anything I thought was possible. Also on the website under right to choose are templates of referrals you can forward to your gp, to ask for a RTC referral, really simple and your gp cannot refuse a RTC referral, so give them that with the provider you have chosen. Wait times will be abit higher now, but still mostly all under a year. If you need any support or advice please dm me and I’d be happy to give you more advice. What you are describing sounds like me last year, and the difference now is night and day. Also echo what another poster has said around the ADHD_love content creators, they are incredible and have provided me with so much advice and support.

The main thing that stood out to me as ADHD was the hyper focusing on knitting, if you were depressed, this isn’t something you would have interest in either, but the fact you do this and do it almost obsessively is very typical of ADHD. Please don’t try and use it as a reward as with ADHD this does not work, we don’t get the dopamine when we finally get to do something we want, we cannot reason with that and will think no I don’t want to wait I want to do the thing I like now, and will just do it. Similarly don’t remove it altogether, right now, the knitting is your safe space and your ability to self soothe and regulate your brain, you are in executive dysfunction when it comes to chores and household responsibilities, your brain isn’t producing dopamine so when you see the clothes or the mess it will not want to do anything about it as you won’t have the dopamine to push you through. Also, it’s been widely reported that menopause is a huge factor when it when it comes to women not yet diagnosed with ADHD and the hormone fluctuations can send ADHD symptoms and traits into overdrive so it’s probably gotten worse when your peri-menopause and menopause has hit.

it’s awful and feels like you are drowning but you aren’t alone at all, you can and should get some help and support and if it is ADHD and you go via RTC this time next year your life could look so much different.
Xx

Please listen to @lottiestars76 post, she is very wise and kind and absolutely right.

Meds. I also use life hacks etc but the meds are what allow me to make use of them