End of my tether - what else is there?

[SomewhereinWY]

My mental health has been really bad this year.

My mood is extremely low, and I am anxious, constantly on edge, and suicidal. I have had periods of feeling quite disassociated and feel disconnected from other people. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of life.

I have been back and forth to the GP, have been on several antidepressants and sleep aids. A couple of the SSRIs I tried have made me feel far more disassociated and out of control, and made my suicidal feelings worse to the point where earlier in the year I attempted suicide and ended up under the home treatment crisis team for a while, but despite saying I was not feeling any different, I was referred back to my GP soon after.

I have had talking therapy, I am on a wait list for EMDR for a previous traumatic event, I see my GP quite regularly, and have talked to the Samaritans a couple of times. When things have been feeling unbearable, I have phoned 111 option 2, been assessed by the crisis team but there isn't anything they have been able to do except suggest trying different medications.

I run and swim, and I keep in contact with friends and book things into the calendar so I have something in the future to live for (even if not to look forward to). I try breathing and mindfulness exercises, and journaling etc.,

At this point, I feel as though I have tried so much and nothing is making any difference. I am so miserable. My suicidal thoughts the past couple of days have been intensifying; I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what I'm expecting here.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. Do you know what's caused you to feel this way this year (how were you previously)? Was there a particular trigger?

Thank you for replying.

I have been trying to figure that out and can't identify a single trigger.
I feel quite burnt out balancing home and work and completing a professional qualification.

I had a gradual decline in my MH over the previous year (2024) after returning from maternity leave. I have always been anxious and have had some very low periods before but they improved with medication and talking therapy, and never lasted this long. My eldest child died eight years ago, which was traumatic and has impacted my MH, which is what the EMDR referral is for. But this feels different.

I am mid-thirties btw. I know periomenopause gets suggested but I don't think I'm in that stage yet.

Sometimes it is a cumulation of things, rather than a single trigger. You have competing responsibilities; work, qualifications, home (and children) and the sad death of your child. Do you have any indication of when the EMDR will begin? Have any other options been suggested?

Is there anyone who can help with the day to day load? Can you take time out from work? One last question – you say you've always been anxious; can you remember when this started or if you take after anyone in your family in this? (I know that sounds an odd question, but babies and toddlers generally aren't anxious, it's something that develops after that phase).

EMDR will very likely be early next year, about a year's wait list. Which is a better time than the last time I was referred (during the pandemic).

I cannot access any other therapy through the local MH service while I'm on the EMDR waitlist, but I have been having some talking therapy through work.

The only other option that has been recommended quite strongly by the crisis service is starting an SNRI. Given my recent reactions to SSRIs I've been scared about starting this.

Also exploring a neuro divergencey diagnosis, suggested by a counsellor and the crisis team.

Day-to-day my husband is doing almost everything. We don't have any other family nearby.

I have already had so much time off work this year I am reluctant to take any more off now. I also want to complete this qualification which will be one less thing hanging over me.

I have been anxious for as long as I can remember. I remember being primary aged and worrying my mum was going to die or leave me, if she ever went out I'd stay awake until she got home convinced something bad would happen if I fell asleep. This continued into my teens and beyond, if my mum was late to collect me I was convinced she'd been in a car crash and died. I think I only became less scared of her dying when my son died, and now my fear is transferred onto my living children. One example of many.

I also has some counselling when I was five or six because I was afraid of being trapped in a fire- this was after being in a vehicle fire though so perhaps more understandable. Incidentally I'm still super paranoid about the house burning down and have a fire escape ladder in the bedroom, often run through how I'd get the kids out if we were trapped upstairs. Just one example again, there are quite a few things like this.

And I was always afraid of getting told off or in trouble, so I was very quiet and well behaved to avoid it. The few times I did get told off, like once when I forgot my PE kit in the juniors, it felt like the world was ending.

So it has been for quite a long time, I'm not sure what I was like as a baby/toddler but my mum says I was always attached to her, didn't like going with other adults.

The only other option that has been recommended quite strongly by the crisis service is starting an SNRI. Given my recent reactions to SSRIs I've been scared about starting this.

Given what you've said about suicidal thoughts, surely it's worth a try?

Have you tried a flow headset? They are expensive so apologies if this is not something you can access but it might be a good option.

Yes it probably is.
What's held me back is then pushing me further into suicidality like SSRIs did, but I'm reaching that point again anyway.

I have heard of them.
I am considering getting one when we have a bit more spare cash (i.e. when we're no longer paying nursery fees!)