I’m just really bloody struggling with life atm

[CheekyMonkey1989]

I’m a mum to an 8 year old DD and a 8 month old DD. My partner was made redundant back in May is still out of work and I’m on mat leave. We have no income and are just living off our savings account.

On top of that my 8 year old seems to be 8 going on 13 and making me feel like the most hated mum in the world. She is constantly lashing out on me about such trivial things like what I’ve put in her lunchbox that day or nagging her to get ready for school, do homework, go to bed …. I could go on.

I had a really difficult pregnancy and birth that was mentally draining and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from that. Also, during the end of my pregnancy my partner went off work with depression.

I go to bed most nights crying my eyes out feeling like the most useless mum, partner and human being in the world.

Anyone else struggling like me atm and how do you cope?

I don't think it's a coincidence that your eight year old is struggling and you have a new baby. She's also going to be very aware about the stresses in the household regarding work and finances. There's going to be Xmas positions available - can your partner get something temporary at least? They need to share the load.

Sorry to hear are struggling. I am too for different reasons.

I would hazard a guess that the baby has toppled your older daughter off her perch. It’s a real thing in psychological terms. Might be worth researching how to deal with it but I would hazard a guess she needs some one to one time.

What work does your DH do? Can he pick up temp work? Royal Mail are recruiting Christmas temps around here. Having the routine of working will help his mental health more than being at home with you I would think.

Sounds like you have a partner problem. I appreciate he is struggling with his mental health but what does he thinking leaving everything to you will do to yours? There’s plenty of Christmas jobs available from now until the new year. He needs to get one of them.

And if your partners not working - why is he not doing more of the childcare in regards to your older child as I imagine you do most of the caring for your baby. Your 8 year old should be going to him about lunchboxes and homework.

Oh just had a thought- is the 8 year old his or your child from another relationship? Either way he needs to step up more.

Has your partner always been like this or was
he hiding things until he got you hooked with a baby basically? I suspect if he was single he wouldn’t have given up his job since he didn’t have the luxury of relying on another adult. Now he’s became super dependent just when you’re quite vulnerable in some ways and already stretched.

ETA: I see he was made redundant so he didn’t give the job but overall point still stands in the sense that if he was single he would probably have made more an effort to find a job by now even if it’s a part-time casual position.

Is he claiming contribution based JSA? Why aren't you claiming UC?

My eldest is struggling with her baby sister. I’m constantly trying to make time with her whenever I can and I’m lawyer telling her how much I love her, but it’s never enough. She just says you love my sister more than me.

Sorry to hear this. I know it doesn't feel like it: but you won't always feel like this.

You've got a young baby. That alone wreaks havoc with hormones, I'd bet you're not getting enough sleep either, which will magnify any issues you're having.

It sounds as though it's been a really stressful year or so with your partner's depression, a new baby , financial worries and some problems with your 8yr old.

I know this sounds cheesy but I'm a firm believer of "fake it till you make it" with the 8yr old (it'll pay off) don't get into horn locking, it's a vicious cycle. I honestly do believe when they try this kind of behaviour it is them trying to say "mum I need some attention from you". So even if you want to say "oh for goodness sake" or feel annoyed , splash on your fake smile and say "should we go to co op later and you can pick a yoghurt you like for lunch" of even use humour, give her a tickle and say something cheesy "oh lilly! Turn that frown upside down! You don't like that sandwich? Perhaps it doesn't like you 🤭!" I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but it's amazing what a different tact can do. I've done it with my own daughter's attempts at rubbing me up the wrong way and she rarely tries it now. In fact she's a delight. Might need some perseverance. But they can get in a "any attention is good attention " mind frame. So them getting spicy and you reacting is still attention. (I hope you're not patronised, and it bloody hard to start being "funny/fun mum" when you're stressed to the eyeballs but it might just ease one of your problems.

Try also to tackle one thing to worry about at a time. It's so easy to catastrophise and start adding to all the problems you have and pile them up into one big insurmountable impossibility (I know because I do it myself ) but it then makes you feel like you're wading through quicksand and makes you feel like giving up.

I'm shit at practical advice but I'm sure others will have specific advice about your financial situation.

Prioritise your rest. Sleep is so important to wellbeing.

Some days I can feel like I’m absolutely smashing being a mum and a supportive partner, then other days I can feel like this black hole is swallowing me and I can’t get out.

Your 8yo is old enough to talk about her feelings. Can you take her out for a short while, maybe a walk together, and ask her what you are doing to make her think you don't love her?

Its easy to think it's because you have to give the baby immediate attention but kids can be odd, perhaps it's because you haven't made her fave meal in a while or forgot her art project or no longer say 'good morning sunshine'. Find out what she believes demonstrates love and try to prioritise it.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's a lot. Small steps. Wishing you strength.

Hand baby to dad more often, it'll do them both good, and take your daughter out for a walk.