I feel completely trapped in hellish isolation. I can’t take it anymore and I really don’t want to carry on living. I’m not sure what I want from this post, maybe just to feel like someone is listening cos I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life. It’s been this way for 4 years now and no matter how hard I try nothing gets better. 4 years ago I was in an emotionally & physically abusive relationship. It was hell and I started drinking heavily to cope (I’d never had a problem with alcohol before). I had a one-year-old son at the time. Feel free to judge. I hate myself for becoming dependent on alcohol while I was caring for him. My husband told everyone we knew I was an alcoholic then left me for another woman. He also told everyone I was violent towards him when drunk (this is completely untrue- it was him who was violent). He got all the sympathy and all my friends abandoned me, my family weren’t very supportive either. No one knew about the abuse. I was ashamed I’d let it get that bad and stayed in the marriage. He also comes across as charming and no one would ever have believed he could have been the way he was when we were alone. When he left I went to an alcohol treatment facility and got sober. That was 4 years ago and I haven’t touched a drop since. I tried my best to rebuild my life and be the best mother I could be for my son after this. We got a nice flat with a garden and I worked hard to support him, ex and I shared 50:50 custody. I struggled with how lonely I was though. I had no friends left and my family didn’t seem to care. I know I shouldn’t deserve it but no one ever said well done for getting sober or asked how I was or really even mentioned it again. I was and am completely alone. Now exH is taking me to court for full custody of my son, using my history of alcohol abuse against me and saying I’m a danger to DS. His history is impeccable and I think he will win. I feel so low and so alone. I have no support. No friends anymore and my family just aren’t interested in hearing anything negative. I haven’t even told them he’s taking me to court. I haven’t really told anyone, mainly because I don’t have anyone to tell. It means I’m dealing with this crushing fear of losing him alone and it’s caused me to spiral into a deep depression. I was dating a great man recently for a few months. It took me a long time to open up about the court case & my past and when I did he ended things. Which has just reinforced my belief that I’m completely unlovable and will be alone forever. My son is the only thing that has kept me going these past 4 years, he’s my world. Now that I’m facing losing him, along with how abandoned I feel by absolutely everyone in my life, I really do not want to live anymore. There really is just nothing to live for and every day I wake up crying because it’s so emotionally painful to be awake. If it wasn’t for my son I feel certain I would take my own life but I just cannot do that to him. However, this makes me feel incredibly trapped and like I’m stuck in a cycle of immense pain that I can’t ever escape. At least with death there’s an escape, with this there is no escape and the future is so unbelievably bleak. I just don’t know what to do and am scared I may end up ending things anyway and ruining his life