I'm going to say something on here because I can't say it in RL. Please don't mention therapy and meds, as I have both.
In Feb this year, I wasn't in a good place. I was suspended from work because my abusive ex made an allegation about me - entirely without foundation - that because of my profession, meant I had to be suspended, pending the outcome.
Still. I kept my head up - I have a roof over my head, can pay the bills and I'd applied for a mortgage and had a deposit. My kids were doing OK (I thought) and I'd applied for another job. I thought by September, I'll have a new job, a house and this will all be dealt with and carry on. I've had a lot of adverse circumstances in my life - abusive mum, kicked out at 15, I was a teenage mum who didn't bond and had severe PND, cancer, suicide of partner etc...
Then my son died 2 months later - took his own life, as his dad had. I had bought this house because I needed somewhere to live paid off by the time I retired and thought well, need something to leave to the kids after that. So practical reasons for the purchase.
Now in September, the house move still hasn't happened and I feel I'm being strung along by the vendors. I got the new job but have had to shell out a lot of money for the care of my dogs, so financially I'm no better off. I wanted to carry on with the purchase because I wanted something to leave my other kids, but it all seems a bit pointless...but I set up god knows how many different types of insurance, because I wanted to make sure they got something when I go.
As I'm no further along with the house, I'm really beginning to wonder what the point is. I've no garden for my elderly dog to wander around in (a reason for purchase, and she is now in palliative care). My son has gone, so even if I'd moved in, the girls get 'more' when the main reason I was buying it was to leave him the bulk, as he had nothing. The job is easy enough and suits me. The main reasons for going ahead with the purchase have/are disappearing. I just wanted to get it, move in, wait a few months and then frankly, take my own life. I'm tired and I've been through enough.
The reason for my TW is that I feel it is my 'right' to say I've had enough, I'm tired and I want to go, but obviously people feel horrified when I've alluded to this. To take one's own life just isn't the done thing, but I feel it's my right to choose when I go and how. I don't expect anyone to support me, obviously. I just want the right to choose when I go and given the house hasn't moved along, this is the only thing that has kept me tied to this world because I want to make sure that my other kids get something, but it's just not happening.
To the outside world, you'd not really know this is what I'm thinking. You wouldn't know that I want the damned house sorted so I can hang about for a bit and then go and let the insurances kick in. I'm not close to my girls particularly because I always struggled with being a mum (caught every single time on contraception - not their fault, but it means I didn't do well as a parent). I just needed to get off my chest that I'm ready, but I can't, because everything isn't 'sorted' yet, and I'm getting increasingly angry and upset about that.
Thanks for reading.