How do you know what type of therapist you need?

[MoneyWhatMoney]

I know it’s going to be hard to get an answer but DH and I have agreed to spend the money on some form of therapy for me and I’ve started looking but the options are overwhelming.

I’m anxious, overwhelmed, low self esteem (that battles with another side of me that gets annoyed if people think I can’t do things).
I have a dysfunctional but loving family and a lot of my upbringing is bothering me now I have a DS.

My head feels full a lot of the time and suddenly trying to find some help is another task on my never-ending list.

Any help would be appreciated - thank you.

I think it depends a lot on what sort of person you are.

Personally, as someone who suffered depression for decades, and had very low esteem, and a problematic upbringing, the only therapy I ever found remotely useful is CBT and DBT. I am a massive fan of them for two reasons: they're quick and solution-based. IMO, you can know in depth about why you feel the way you do, after delving into the past but you still feel the way you do!

CBT doesn't dwell on the past, it focuses on the immediate present: how do you feel or reatc in a given moment, and how could you feel or react better. It trains you to be self-compassionate, self-caring, self-loving. It also trains you to view others with a much less me-me-me-centred lens. E.g. If someone you know cuts you dead, instead of thinking: 'they hate me, what is wrong with me, how have I offended them?' or 'what a stuck-up bitch, I won't bother with her again,' you learn to think: she was probably miles away thinking of something else, or maybe she didn't have her contact lenses in, or maybe she is feeling low today and can't face chatting, or in a hurry and nervous of getting caught up.
CBT teaches you to spot different types of distorted thinking and readjust them.

DBT is similar and helps you overcome anxiety. Anxiety was never my problem but DS2 suffered from it and he said it really helped him with practical ways to calm himself down, and then to ask himself: What would I do if I didn't feel anxious? And then do that anyway, despite the anxiety, so you can feel it but don't let it stop you.

Have you explored what the NHS can offer, and maybe try and get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist? There is CBT, trauma therapy, and others offered by the NHS locally to me.

I’m not a therapist but I’ve had therapy. Psychodynamic or talk therapies explore your childhood and link to why you behave as you do now. They are usually longer term but they help you work out who you are and what you want, increasing self compassion and self esteem. They are based on the relationship you have with your therapist and can be deep, psychologically. CBT based therapies are usually short term and more interested in what’s happening for you now and how to change your behaviour despite your circumstances. In both cases your relationship with your therapist is key. A lot of therapists offer a free 20 minute phone call to discuss why you are asking for help and how they work. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You can find therapists online like counselling directory or BACP.

When I went looking for therapy I talked to people who’d had it, and googled a fair bit. I put together a wish list in the end:

• female (I was having dysfunctional crushes on men at the time, didn’t need that to happen in therapy)
• part of a group practice so there might be more choice
• would tackle the past and go a bit deeper
• experienced in handling bereavement
• probably an integrative therapist - which I felt was someone who would use a range of approaches, and was therefore likely to be more experienced.

Tbh I think a lot of it is luck - it’s ok to try more than one therapist. For what you’re describing, I agree that CBT could be really helpful.

I’m just ahead of you in the process! @Kattley has outlined my understanding of different approaches. I have decided to try talking therapy as I have a lot of “stuff” I haven’t dealt with and could use someone external and experienced to help me process it. My GP sent me various links to services locally but I got really overwhelmed and asked Chat GPT to help (sorry environment). The first person I contacted didn’t have availability - this sounds silly but I hadn’t anticipated that possibility and it almost put me off completely! I found someone else on the BACP website and had a short call to explain how it works before booking an initial consultation. It’s pretty daunting, but feels like the right step for me.

I am 6 years in psychoanalysis and it has transformed my life. Training institute offer low fee so have a look

I've decided to try a clinical Psychologist who has 25 years experience in complex trauma.

My friend is seeing a counseller/life coach.

It's really individual, think about what you need 🙂