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Original poster

Mental health and palliative care

32 replies

whatohwhattodo · 06/10/2025 21:43

My sibling has bad mental health and has for years.

Long history of self harm and overdoses, relatively stable over last few years.

One parent is seriously ill and today we’re were told they are withdrawing care. Myself and other parent are in agreement with this.

Sibling is not and response to being told this news was to overdose at the hospital and then pass out next to parents bed. Leading to a pile on from nursing staff and poor parent having to be moved room while they deal with it..

Other parent was not at the hospital at this time. So I am there on my own processing my feelings about the news and then having to deal with sibling who was pretty much unconscious and rushed down to a&e.

i am a single parent of two teens, i need to support them through this and my remaining parent. I don’t have capacity to deal with this as well. I appreciate they cannot handle the news but it’s not unexpected.

does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with this scenario where you are juggling these two things.

OP posts:
Eatinghurts · 06/10/2025 22:57

This sounds so hard. Is a hospis or pallitive care nurses involved? How is your sibling what physical and mh support has been put in place?

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 06/10/2025 23:23

Palliative care team are involved - we had a chat but she complained she hadn’t had a chance to speak to them. that would be because the tablets were kicking in and she was very drowsy.

she is not currently under the mental health team - I am planning to speak to her gp tomorrow. Also the pharmacy who issue her medication.

OP posts:
Eatinghurts · 07/10/2025 00:09

What did A&e say?
I would hope they would have had a mh assessment. Nhs 111 and option 2 gets through to a crisis team.

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 04:57

they wanted to do MH assesment but She walked out once she had come round. (As she always used to do) they were not happy but they said she had capacity and the only way to stop it was get security involved which they felt would be counter productive.

OP posts:
Eatinghurts · 07/10/2025 09:08

So sorry you are experiencing this alongside what is happening with your parent. I would say.call 111 option 2. May be worth contacting your local hospis to see what support they can put in place for you all.

was your parent aware of what happened?

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 09:25

@Eatinghurtsi honestly don’t know. She cannot speak but it’s really unclear how much she can understand.

I have been to the chemists who dispense my sisters meds and said they need to limit how much they give her in a single go. I am off to her go as well to speak to them.

There will be no speaking to her - at the moment she is fixated on me and my dad having ‘won’ and so there is no reasoning or talking to her.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 07/10/2025 09:43

Tell her gp who can speak with the mh team, who prescribes her meds, I'd speak with the hospital and request sibling cannot visit, you'd parents last days are the priority imo. How is your dad coping, the overdose and walking out doesn't affect the decision, it's not worth arguing.

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 10:00

@MissMoneyFairyit seems to be coping ok. Out of the last 6 months she been in a hospital for 3 of them and a nursing home for about 3 weeks. She has been in decline for maybe 12 months. We are both realistic that this has been coming for a while.

Hence why we agree with decision - she wasn’t well before she went in. She then got sepsis, pneumonia and blood clots on both lungs - she is 81.

my sister was at their house last night and adamant is going home and doesn’t want to see my mum again. I know how she works and she is just blocking it out and pretending it’s not happening. But tbh I’m leaving her to it - my priority is my parents and children.

OP posts:
BeMintFatball · 07/10/2025 10:10

Having read the thread you have my utmost sympathy 💐 an immensely difficult situation.

You are doing the right thing, concentrate on your parents and teen children.

ProfoundlyPeculiarAndWeird · 07/10/2025 10:15

I am planning to speak to her gp tomorrow. Also the pharmacy who issue her medication.

Those both sound like good strategies, but for your own welfare and that of your parents, could the focus be squarely on dealing with her inappropriate short-term behaviour, rather than on shouldering responsibility for her longer-term needs?

Also, in case your sibling changes her mind about seeing the parent again, would there be opportunities to talk to your parent's care team about possibly limiting your sibling's access to the parent's bedside - or at least making it clear to your sibling that access has to be on the basis of sticking to appropriate behaviour.

The sibling's behaviour seems to demand that their own needs take priority over the needs of the dying parent. That is not acceptable, even for someone who is experiencing mental health problems, and it is legitimate to require certain boundaries to be respected.

In the short-term (and perhaps even in the longer-term) you don't have an unlimited responsibility to help your sibling deal with the mental health issues. It is ok to put rules in place to protect yourself.

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 13:38

@ProfoundlyPeculiarAndWeirdno agree - I have had 10-15 years of running around after her overdoses. The speaking to the chemist etc was me thinking about myself as I cannot really deal with a 2am call from the police wanting to be let into her flat as I am an emergency contact. I know she will shrug this off and pretend it never happened and it’s no big deal but I am not going to forget and tbh I am going to struggle to forgive her for it.

My mum is not at all responsive today and it makes me feel horrible that that’s the last thing she might remember.

i am waiting to speak to the Matron to see what they think is appropriate - my dad thinks it’s fair that we give her the chance to visit one more time but equally if they say no he won’t get upset over it as she has brought it on herself

OP posts:
Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 16:24

Well her GP has obviously contacted the mental health team at home as they have just contacted me.

I have given them the story and told them I feel she is at risk but my priority is my parents.

she is still angry and will be even worse when they get hold of her and she realises I have called people…..

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 07/10/2025 17:22

Sorry about your mum and hope she's comfortable. You don't need to be nok or first contact for your sister, she can have a keysafe linked to the emergency services or the mh team.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/10/2025 17:26

I'm surprised the gp and mh team called you, are you listed as her mh nearest relative, they are usually pretty careful not to discuss info without permission

BruFord · 07/10/2025 17:30

I agree that you need to prioritize your parents and your children. Wishing you all the best during this difficult time. 💐

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 17:38

MissMoneyFairy · 07/10/2025 17:26

I'm surprised the gp and mh team called you, are you listed as her mh nearest relative, they are usually pretty careful not to discuss info without permission

I had left a letter for the gp with my contact details on. Technically they didn’t give me any information. It was them calling me for more detail on what I had written in the letter.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/10/2025 17:50

@whatohwhattodo I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please look after yourself and prioritise your parent and your DCs.

@MissMoneyFairy what did you hope to achieve with your post? Are you suggesting OP is lying? At a time like what the OP is described, is that all you could come up with? No words of sympathy or support - just questioning about why OP was contacted. Really?

Gingercar · 07/10/2025 17:53

I’m so sorry that you have this to deal with on top of end of life care for your mum. I hope the gp etc will pick up the reins with your sister. You absolutely must concentrate on yourself and your children, and your dad. If your sister says she’s not going again, so be it. I’d speak to the matron and have them speak to your sister if she does turn up and tell her she absolutely must not cause drama in your mum’s room, she needs peace. I doubt your mum will remember. My dad didn’t remember much in his last week, he just slept a lot, and would wake up and go “oh hello, didn’t know you were here” when we’d been sat there talking to each other next to him for hours. Sending huge cyber hugs to you.x

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 17:59

Thanks @Gingercarshe has been and gone. I left when she was here - I came back briefly as I thought she had gone and she was just angry with me. I left again as I’m not dealing with it.

OP posts:
BruFord · 07/10/2025 18:29

@whatohwhattodo No, you can’t and shouldn’t deal with it. Your sister has to accept your Dad’s and the medical team’s decision regarding your Mum’s care.

Eatinghurts · 08/10/2025 13:16

Hope things are more settled today.

Original poster
whatohwhattodo · 08/10/2025 13:47

@EatinghurtsShe died this morning, my sister is refusing to talk to me or my dad.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 08/10/2025 13:53

whatohwhattodo · 08/10/2025 13:47

@EatinghurtsShe died this morning, my sister is refusing to talk to me or my dad.

@whatohwhattodo I am so very sorry for your loss.

💐

BeMintFatball · 08/10/2025 17:17

@whatohwhattodo so sorry for your loss Flowers

shellyleppard · 08/10/2025 17:20

@whatohwhattodo so sorry for your loss x